Silent Night

[Universalchild]

v.3

I did a quick little edit, changed nitrites to poppers to try and soften it.

Here is it with grammar & punctuation -

Restless under his gaze,
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation.

Eyes half closed,
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
and dark indigo silk,
a soft sitar smothers my sighs,
a pillow pressed against my lips,
mocking asphyxiation,
suffocating highs.

Heavy incense cloys the senses,
with sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin.
Hedonistic pleasures;
inhaling poppers
intensifies,
crystals form neat lines
then twist inside my head.

Shyly bleating beneath him,
almost resisting,
as passion blends our colours,
woven together
until morning sun refracts
upon fragments of reality,
leaving only bruises
on flesh,
and bloodstains
on sheets.

Blah I've never really written a sex-related poem (I dunno what counts as erotica and what doesn't) and I found it difficult.

-----

v.2

restless under his gaze
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation

eyes half closed
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
and dark indigo silk
soft sitar smothers sighs
pillow pressed against lips
mocking asphyxiation
suffocating highs

heavy incense cloys the senses
sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin
hedonistic pleasures
inhaling poppers
intensifies
crystals form neat lines
and twist inside my head

shyly bleating beneath him
almost resisting
passion blends our colours
woven together
until morning sun
refracts upon
fragments of reality
leaving only bruises
on flesh
and bloodstains
on sheets


-------------

v.1

aftermath of seduction
drawn out curiosity
release of tension
restless under his gaze
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation

eyes half closed
peer at delicate charms
and dark indigo silk
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
soft sitar smothers sighs
pillow pressed against lips
mocking asphyxiation
suffocating highs

heavy incense cloys the senses
sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin
hedonistic pleasures
pure filth
inhaling nitrites
intensifies desire
crystals form neat lines
and twist inside my head

shyly bleating beneath him
almost resisting
yet passion
melts us together
entwined until the light
of the rising sun
reflects upon
fragments of reality
leaving only bruises
on flesh
and bloodstains
on sheets

[billy]

there one of the hardest to write about 'cos the sex poem, like the love poem has been writ a gazillion times before. this means it has to be done in an original voice. it's always best to leave these sorts of headers out as well. my first sex poem would have sufficed. in this form most things will be given thought as the norm The length of a poem doesn't really matter if it's well written.

-----

aftermath of seduction
drawn out curiosity
release of tension i don't think the 1st three lines do anything
restless under his gaze i think this is where the poem starts.
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation

eyes half closed
peer at delicate charms not sure of the relevance of this line
and dark indigo silk
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
soft sitar smothers sighs
pillow pressed against lips
mocking asphyxiation
suffocating highs

heavy incense cloys the senses
sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin
hedonistic pleasures
pure filth feels out of character with the poem
inhaling nitrites
intensifies desire
crystals form neat lines
and twist inside my head


shyly bleating beneath him
almost resisting
yet passion
melts us together cliche
entwined until the light entwined is cliche
of the rising sun
reflects upon
fragments of reality
leaving only bruises
on flesh
and bloodstains
on sheets

this for me is the best stanza so far with some good images but some of it feels unnecessary. i italicised where i think it's weak.

has some really good parts in it but i'm not getting a great feel of erotic. sometimes blatant is what's called for though not cliche blatant like throbbing and lusting which you didn't use. i think it halfway there which is pretty good. you just need to go through it and think...."is this line erotic or sexy or sexless" if it's the latter, remove it

thanks for the read.

[Universalchild]

It's also difficult to express certain feelings, I think, when it comes to love and sex, as well as having to dodge cliches. This poem is only half finished, I think.

Anyway, I agree with you on the on the first three lines... But is restless under his gaze a good start? Or am I worrying too much?

I was trying to pack in some imagery to describe the actual bedroom, but maybe I added too much. I could probably cut that line.

The italics line was meant to be like... Kind of the moral voice in the back of your head that has a go at you for being bad.

Melts us together isn't meant to be like the cliche, it's meant to be expressive of the effect of the substance use, which makes skin feel like it has melded with the other person so you feel like one being, which sounds very romantic and feels so at the time, though is chemical induced rather then passion, really. I was just trying to be flowery. Would "merge" or "melded" or maybe even "blend" be less cliche or is it the concept itself?

Entwined is a hard one because there aren't too many synonyms that accurately describe the same thing. Would "coiled" be better? Or "weaved" - "entangled"?

Done a wee edit.

[billy]

this is the best intros i've seen for a long long time, it smacks of honesty
this is the sort of intro that needs to be noticed in any workshop.

Blah I've never really written a sex-related poem (I dunno what counts as erotica and what doesn't) and I found it difficult.

-----

v.2

restless under his gaze
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation brave of you to lose half the 1st stanza, it really does work. could it be better, everything can be better. this is a great start.

eyes half closed
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence i think (and it's only a thought, that this line doesn't add to a sexual exploit, does one think of decadence or would one think of sexuality, his or your sexuality.
dark indigo silk and at the beginning of the sentence would would give a smoother transition
soft sitar smothers sighs this line needs fixing to something, it's the reason we need grammar, if you don't want to use grammar make the syntax work (a soft sitar smothers my or sighs) good use of S's
pillow pressed against lips again without grammar the transition to this line doesn't work well. (lips pressed against pillow)
mocking asphyxiation
suffocating highs

heavy incense cloys the senses Cloys doesn't feel sexy or erotic
sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin
hedonistic pleasures
inhaling nitrites while it's part of your tale, it's too mechanical to be erotic
intensifies desire desire feels unnecessary
crystals form neat lines
and twist inside my head are they neat lines or do the twist? and twists could go

shyly bleating beneath him i love this line, it's what i want my woman to do after she's ripped the back off me
almost resisting
chemical passion chemical passion is fake passion, why can't passion blends our colours?
blends our colours
woven together
until morning sun
refracts upon
fragments of reality
leaving only bruises
on flesh
and bloodstains
on sheets

i only made my suggestions because this is a bloody good edit compared to what you started with.

i'm not sure the drug component is adding anything the way it's written.
i seriously think this is one of those poems that needs grammar. all in all, a great 1st edit and a brave one

thanks for the edit.

[Universalchild]

Thanks again Billy, you've been super helpful with this one. I really appreciate it.

Hmm, well, when I think of decadence, I think of excessive levels of self-indulgence and immorality, and it normally makes me think of the classic sex, drugs n rock n roll type thing. That could just be my perspective though, I know decadence covers a wide range of things.

You are right on and, I'll add that in.

Do you think grammar would really improve it? I'm willing to try it out. The only reason I avoided grammar was because, I guess, this poem is meant to be raw and emotional, and I always feel like raw emotion wouldn't confine to traditional rules of language... But I don't want to confuse people either! I write poetry for myself, but I want people to enjoy it too. I might toy with it and see how I feel. Otherwise your suggestions are good, although the reason it is "pillow pressed" and not "lips pressed" is because the pillow is being pushed against the face rather then the other way round, but maybe that doesn't work well.

I was anxious about cloys because I've never used that word before, but it does suit the "decadence" and "hedonistic" - do you have any suggestions? I've looked through the thesaurus but I can only find words like "sate" and "glut" and "gorge" and they sound even worse! Gorging oneself upon incense... Mmhm.

I think shyly bleating is probably one of my favourite lines : P

I guess even though this is an erotic poem, I kind of didn't want it to be. I'm more attracted to the darkness and depravity of it then I am the sensuality. I'm also a bit emotionally retarded when it comes to sex, which doesn't help.

Thankyou for the help <3

Oh I don't really like the title. Meeh.

I did a quick little edit, changed nitrites to poppers to try and soften it.

Here is it with grammar & punctuation -

Restless under his gaze,
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation.

Eyes half closed,
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
and dark indigo silk,
a soft sitar smothers my sighs,
a pillow pressed against my lips,
mocking asphyxiation,
suffocating highs.

Heavy incense cloys the senses,
with sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin.
Hedonistic pleasures;
inhaling poppers
intensifies,
crystals form neat lines
then twist inside my head.

Shyly bleating beneath him,
almost resisting,
as passion blends our colours,
woven together
until morning sun
refracts upon
fragments of reality,
leaving only bruises
on flesh,
and bloodstains
on sheets.

[billy]

if you want it to be warm erotic, popers take something away, drugs and sex and rock and roll are some heavy shit and if you mix sex with drugs then you need to up the tempo of the poem the easiest way is to make it about losing the cherry to "da master." at least that's what i get from this poem. the grammar works better than when it had none though i suspect someone else could help you better than i with that aspect of the poem. the new changes in some of the syntax work really well

v.3

I did a quick little edit, changed nitrites to poppers to try and soften it.

Here is it with grammar & punctuation -

Restless under his gaze,
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation.

Eyes half closed,
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
and dark indigo silk,
a soft sitar smothers my sighs,
a pillow pressed against my lips,
mocking asphyxiation,
suffocating highs.

Heavy incense cloys the senses,
with sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin.
Hedonistic pleasures;
inhaling poppers
intensifies,
crystals form neat lines
then twist inside my head.

Shyly bleating beneath him,
almost resisting,
as passion blends our colours,
woven together
until morning sun
refracts upon
fragments of reality,
leaving only bruises
on flesh,
and bloodstains
on sheets.

Blah I've never really written a sex-related poem (I dunno what counts as erotica and what doesn't) and I found it difficult.

-----

v.2

restless under his gaze
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation

eyes half closed
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
and dark indigo silk
soft sitar smothers sighs
pillow pressed against lips
mocking asphyxiation
suffocating highs

heavy incense cloys the senses
sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin
hedonistic pleasures
inhaling poppers
intensifies
crystals form neat lines
and twist inside my head

shyly bleating beneath him
almost resisting
passion blends our colours
woven together
until morning sun
refracts upon
fragments of reality
leaving only bruises
on flesh
and bloodstains
on sheets


-------------

v.1

aftermath of seduction
drawn out curiosity
release of tension
restless under his gaze
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation

eyes half closed
peer at delicate charms
and dark indigo silk
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
soft sitar smothers sighs
pillow pressed against lips
mocking asphyxiation
suffocating highs

heavy incense cloys the senses
sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin
hedonistic pleasures
pure filth
inhaling nitrites
intensifies desire
crystals form neat lines
and twist inside my head

shyly bleating beneath him
almost resisting
yet passion
melts us together
entwined until the light
of the rising sun
reflects upon
fragments of reality
leaving only bruises
on flesh
and bloodstains
on sheets

[Universalchild]

Haha you made me giggle then, well it's definitely a tangled subject, and please do excuse me for giving tmi, because it is a passionate night of sex, but it's also really filthy and hedonistic with drugs and kinky play, and the "bleating" is meant to give myself a lamb-like image (innocence/submission) but I didn't really touch upon him very much... Partly because I'm shy about it, and also partly cause I don't know what to say. Lost for words, as it were.

[billy]

it doesn't really sound filthy if that's what you were aiming for, just think wildly, and unpoetically

I'd never seen a twelve inch cock
it made me wet and tightly taught.
The thought of dancing on his pole,
to have him swivel me around
and lodge upon his sweaty sack;.......

okay it doesn't cut the mustard i know but imagination can bring out any emotion or experience we want to share. mingled with fact it can really be a cure for kindness.

[addy]

I'm not sure if you really want to go for raw on this one... if, as you confessed, you feel shy about it then it's gonna come off that way in your writing. You can't fake it if you feel too uncomfortable writing it down. Right now it read very languid and indulgent, more like a lovely massage . It lacks a little urgency

v.3

Restless under his gaze,
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation.

Eyes half closed, Don't think this line adds much
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
and dark indigo silk,
a soft sitar smothers my sighs,
a pillow pressed "presses"? To make the tenses consistent against my lips,
mocking asphyxiation,
suffocating highs.

Heavy incense cloys the senses,
with sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin.
Hedonistic pleasures;
inhaling poppers
intensifies,
crystals form neat lines
then twist inside my head.

Shyly bleating beneath him, I'm not personally fond of "bleating" (the association with sheep is quite distracting), but it's your choice to keep it . Maybe you should take out "shyly" though
almost resisting,
as passion blends our colours,
woven together
until morning sun
refracts upon Not enough going on in this line, imo. It doesn't act as a standalone
fragments of reality,
leaving only bruises
on flesh,
and bloodstains
on sheets. The lovemaking didn't strike me as violent at all, so this ending is a bit surprising for me

[Universalchild]

@billy

Okay well that isn't what I'm going for =p I mean erotic filthiness not dirty porn.

@addy

I like it being languid and indulgent (that was actually what I was going for) - I'm not sure urgency really comes into this kind of sex. I could try and up the tempo though.

Mm, on pressed vs presses, I think pressed works better because somebody is doing the pressing. Or I might be wrong with that. If somebody presses something against you, do you say it's pressing or it is being pressed? : s

The idea is for "bleating" to make one think of lambs and innocence and vulnerability and etc. etc. so I'll leave it in. I like shyly as well but I'll play around with it and see if it is better without.

I'll break that line up and put it into others, good suggestion.

I thought the whole smothering thing would give a hint to the darkness of the sex, but maybe I should include more. I was just struggling to find ways of describing bondange and biting and the like without feeling funny about it. I'll spend some time, maybe make another stanza.

[addy]

If languid is your intention, then that's good. Sex for pleasure is a very indulgent act after all . I only expressed concern that you may be forcing yourself to write something you're uncomfortable with as a subject, then that kind of thing tends to give you writer's block. But if you have no qualms about it, then I certainly can't tell you otherwise ... write on!

All creative decisions are yours at the end of the day, if my suggestions work or don't work for what you're trying to do the its perfectly fine

[Universalchild]

Haha I'm just shy around the subject, but that gives it extra challenge and it is good to challenge oneself : D

Thanks for the suggestions, I do appreciate them!

[penguin]

I'd get rid of the bleating, shyly or otherwise. Lambs and innocence are not what it will evoke in most minds.
Why bring in damnation? And decadence for that matter?

[Universalchild]

Decadence is excessive indulgence, which is what is happening. At least, from the perspective of those involved. By damnation I am trying to make it obvious that this is something which is condemned - it is the nature of what it is. By typical morality, that is.