To the Departed

[Philatone]

V. 2

To the Departed

Letters written
one day too late
find no place
on mail planes,
bound to the states
a map can place.

Words, unopened,
keep regrets chained,
stamped and placed
in paper crates
with canceled trains
of thought—misplaced,

lost, and found again
on our lips, in our pockets.







V. 1


A letter written
one day too late
finds no place
on mail planes,
bound to the states
a map can place.

Its words, unopened,
keep regrets chained,
stamped and placed
in ivory crates
with canceled trains
of thought—misplaced,

lost, and found again
on our lips, in our pockets.

[billy]

A letter written
one day too late
finds no place
on mail planes,
bound to the states
a map can place. this line feels excess, 2nd place

Its words, unopened, unopened works on it it's own, it's words is redundant
keep regrets chained, keep is excess
stamped and placed 3rd place/ed
in ivory crates does ivory have a relevance?
with canceled trains
of thought—misplaced, i like the wordplay

lost, and found again
on our lips, in our pockets.

tight but i think it could be a tad tighter.
thanks for the read as always geoff.

[addy]

I'm not quite sure how to critique this one... I hold the opposite view of billy's: I think the piece is a little too tight, to the point where at times it reads as too matter-of-fact, emotionally generic, and bereft of nuance. Aside from the wordplay, which is well done, I felt like this needs a bit of growing room still, like it hasn't yet been able to tap into its core. I think its well written but at the moment it shies, sticking to the surface. Not sure if my blathering about my impressions is in any way helpful, but i really did enjoy the piece.