death on hold

[mongodeath]

Death does not wait for me
it has a come knocking
knocking at my door
its ran me a sunder
pushed me to the floor
taken my innocence
and came back for more
pushed me off of my cliff
seen me fly without wings
crashing to the earth
it seams
that death has moved in
taken up residences
inside me
darkened my perspective
blacken my nights
moved in for the kill
only to be stalked and stricken
itself by my will to survive
will I die yes we all do
but death can keep calling
and I will say ado
death may have my name
but I have his tail
and if I say jump that
bitch surely will

[addy]

Hi mongo, welcome the the pen

I like your idea for this piece... I like where it went and how it wrapped up. I think there are a few cliches here that you can do away with or rewrite into stronger images. For this particular piece, the punchier the better. Show more teeth.

Death does not wait for me
it has a come knocking
knocking at my door
its ran "it has run", or "it ran" me a sunder
pushed me to the floor
taken my innocence
and came back for more "come back"... personally though I think this is a weak line that didn't add much
pushed me off of my cliff
seen maybe "watched" would be more active than "seen"... the sense I get is death should really be taunting you me fly without wings
crashing to the earth
it seams is this "seems"? If so, a weak line and not really necessary
that death has moved in
taken up residences no "s"
inside me
darkened my perspective
blacken my nights
moved in for the kill
only to be stalked and stricken
itself by my will to survive
will I die yes we all do
but death can keep calling
and I will say ado "adieu"? the line seems a tad forced
death may have my name
but I have his tail Really like these two lines
and if I say jump that
bitch surely will

[Word Weaver]

Hi Mongo,
I like the sentiments your poem holds- inspiring -struggling with life’s numerous”deaths”- pitfalls and obstacles seeming inevitable, that comes our way, part of life itself, and yet, initially realizing, at the end, that we have a say, a sense of power to control our own destiny!
A few revisions with specially chosen words would offer a definite punch giving this poem a difference. I would like to see the chosen subject, Death , an entity of omnipotent fear, when used in a poem, to depict dread, terror, fearful visions of words for the reader’s imagination.

death on hold
Death does not wait for me- I would omit “for me”
it has a come knocking- “it comes a knocking “
knocking at my door- a knocking at my door
its ran me a sunder – it ran me asunder
pushed me to the floor- how about “cleaved”, “pressed” or something else instead of pushed
taken my innocence – I would suggest words such as “ravishing” or “raping” instead of “taken”
and came back for more – add “kept” and see how that works
pushed me off of my cliff – try taking out “me” and “of” for “ pushed off my cliff”
seen me fly without wings- and see if you omit “seen me” how “flying without wings” work
crashing to the earth
it seams- “seems”
that death has moved in – try taking out “that”
taken up residences- use“taking” instead
inside me –how about “within” ?
darkened my perspective- find words such as “provoke”, “havoc” debase” “chaos” or “turmoil” and such
blacken my nights - try “lurid” “ illusive” and such words connoting nightmarish, here
moved in for the kill- try the active word “moving” to depict death in action
only to be stalked and stricken
itself by my will to survive
will I die yes we all do
but death can keep calling
and I will say ado – “ado” may mean ruckus, argument or protest or do you mean “adieu” as in goodbye?
death may have my name
but I have his tail
and if I say jump that
bitch surely will – I enjoyed this ending.

I hope you find this helpful. Thank you for the share.

[tectak]

Hello and welcome. A leap into the deep end methinks. Perhaps you can swim, perhaps you need a life-belt....but well done for this.

Death does not wait for meBy accident you have personified death. The capital letter begins the sentence but adds to the possibilty. You then use indefinite "it", and "it" jars. "He" would be a better bet but then you would need to punctuate to avoid the same problem.....but you do not intend to punctuate. Oh dear.
it has a come knockingWell, serious crit means just that...so here goes. First of all, IT is not connected, IT never is. IT must be defined or confined. IT may be confined by grammar or by intent, but left alone IT is a dead thing....avoid IT at all costs. You can see where IT leads if you just read your own work. "ITS ran me asunder" is quite appalling use of language. I apologise if English is not your first language but would then ask you once again to READ what you have written out loud. You will then cringe. If you do not cringe then the rest of what you have written will seem fine to you and there will be little anyone can do to help.
knocking at my door
its ran me a sunder asunder is one word. Check your own work before posting on trivial things like spelling
pushed me to the floorpushed once
taken my innocence cliche
and came back for morecliche
pushed me off of my cliff pushed twice. You need to THINK harder about what you are going to say then say it in a NEW way.
seen me fly without wingsbig cliche but hidden like a tree in a forest
crashing to the earth cliche
it seamsSEEMS. Check your own spelling
that death has moved in ...back to the personification of Death. No longer an IT but a real living tenant!
taken up residencesYe gads...it is worse than I thought....there are multiple occurrences of IT. ResidenceS?
inside me
darkened my perspective
blacken my nightsa change of tense and intent. Without ANY punctuation you are now in danger of writing nonsense. Past tense "He has darkened.. " then the present imperative " blacken my nights" CANNOT link without some imparting of extra information in order to make the shift work. By abandoning punctuation you enjoy a freedom of expression which leads to loose thinking. Tighten up (imperative)
moved in for the killFrom here to the end is twaddle and is a sure sign that you have completely given up on yourself. This is a great pity because only now are you beginning to get to the point of all that has gone on before....whatever it was. The whole thing now spirals down into a kind of drunken spewing up of what may be right thinking whilst the gin to blood ratio is ten to one, but will inevitably be read as embarrassing verbage once you are sober. I find it hard to comprehend how you could post this without expecting to get a pounding. Are the last lines from the same piece or did you pick up the wrong bit of scribbled upon paper from the floor beside your recovery bed? Could I suggest, again apologising if you are not used to the language, that you carefully go over the whole thing and try to clarify the structure and intent. Punctuation would most certainly help and would be a good starting exercise. Once the thing is under control with YOU as the master then you can begin to make it do YOUR bidding. I can detect that your thoughts are writhing about in a very small container (sorry, that was not meant to sound as it did) looking for an exit. At the moment, there is a log-jam in the doorway. Unblock the route and get order back. Pick the most important pieces and define their places in the poem. Start at the beginning and know where you want to end up. I confess that this is a mighty task BUT IT IS WORTH IT! Any piece posted on this site deserves a hearing and though everyone who writes (mostly me) makes the same mistakes that you do, at one time or another, the trick is to AVOID the repeat errors. Love me or hate me, this is how I read your piece. Good luck and good learning....IT works for me (not).
Best,
tectak
only to be stalked and stricken
itself by my will to survive
will I die yes we all do
but death can keep calling
and I will say ado
death may have my name
but I have his tail
and if I say jump that
bitch surely will