Blue.

[Timmycom]

How blues makes me feel...

Blue

You Twing, 'n' you Twang,
the end result being
the sweetness of your colour,
Siphoning the Mississippi blues from
Your heart and into my soul

as if it's your suffering that
transcends to make me whole;
as if it was you who stole those
pieces of me that I'm missing!

'Coz ya brake me down
Like an old Sheffield chimney stack,
You Chisel at me until I fall,
Flatt (!) like the resonance of
your bearded voice that,

Takes it toll on those
hammered bones of
this, my blues bludgeoned face
that generously always gives me back,
all those little pieces of me
That I've always seemed…
to be missing ...

TDJ Tovey
2011

*Note: in reference to the Sheffield chimney stack bit, you need a quick history lesson. Sheffield, south Yorkshire England (home of AC/DC & Def Leppard) was a booming steel town, and during the 80's in thatcher's rain all the mills got closed down, and from this during my childhood in the 90's there where all these huge chimney stacks from the mills that where constently being ripped down, they made spectacles of it, you could go watch. They crumble like I crumble every time I listen to blues.

[tectak]

How blues makes me feel...
Hi timmy, I, too , am a lifelong blues fan, diverting in the sixties to the more cheery Rand B, but returning home once seniority began to weigh on me. The blues form is simplistic and full of resonant repeated riffs. Twing and Twang may be how my father heard it, but not me.....yet. Anyway, here goes.

Blue

You Twing, 'n' you Twang,Leave it alone, tec, he may be someone's father. Just not bluesy enough for me, but what the hell. Ears in ears.
the end result being
the sweetness of your colour,I like this. It implies some kind of phasia where sounds have taste.
Siphoning the Mississippi blues from
Your heart and into my soulglancing cliche but you are talking about the blues......more cliches than the Gideon's bible. Why capitalise "your". There really is no need. It causes a breath intake where none is needed

as if it's your suffering that and why this line break. We are no where near twelve-bar.
transcends to make me whole;
as if it was you who stole those
pieces of me that I'm missing! I can feel the concept but the rhythm is faulty here. I don't think you see this as a problem....in fact, I don't think you see it at all. So it must be me. More significantly this is a burst-verse stanza. It does not deserve its place as it is saying nothing that the last stanza will not say. The thought came and conquered you. Resistance is never futile

'Coz ya brake me downA lurching into vernacular is OK provided that it is not done gratuitously and leaves spelling intact. break. We are trying to get Blues and we are getting stars and stripes. What language is this anyway? The Blues is everyone's language, and so you may as well use your own. Doesn't sit easy with me.
Like an old Sheffield chimney stack,
You Chisel at me until I fall,Good stuff but the chisel is sharp enough with capitalising
Flatt (!) like the resonance of Flat.
your bearded voice that, This line NEEDS a capital letter and it does not need to be pulled away from its base. The following lines do not justify this stanza split.

Takes it toll on those
hammered bones of
this, my blues bludgeoned face
that generously always gives me back, "that" is a filler word. Reconstruction needed here.
all those little pieces of me
That I've always seemed… Why the capital again?
to be missing ... Good ending. Still think it needs a riff, though, especially as it is a repeated line. Dahdle-a-dahdle-a-dahdley-doo.

TDJ Tovey
2011
I know Sheffield well. I am a Yorkshire man. Good analogy. Nice work. Just pull the strings int tune and this will work. Best,
tectak
*Note: in reference to the Sheffield chimney stack bit, you need a quick history lesson. Sheffield, south Yorkshire England (home of AC/DC & Def Leppard) was a booming steel town, and during the 80's in thatcher's rain all the mills got closed down, and from this during my childhood in the 90's there where all these huge chimney stacks from the mills that where constently being ripped down, they made spectacles of it, you could go watch. They crumble like I crumble every time I listen to blues.

[Philatone]

hey timmy.


i feel as though a number of parts of this could be trimmed to really bring out the core of the piece (oh, and check grammar, punctuation, and such). i'm leaving a number of suggestions, but understand if not one of them meets your goals. i atleast hope they give you something to think about

How blues makes me feel...

Blue

You Twing, 'n' you Twang,
the end result being...how about dropping this line and comma from the one above: You Twing, 'n' you twang/ the sweetness of your color
the sweetness of your colour,
Siphoning the Mississippi blues from..would drop the "from" to the line below to emphasize the parallel structure (FROM your heart INTO my soul--don't need the "and")
Your heart and into my soul

as if it's your suffering that
transcends to make me whole;...need the "transcends"?
as if it was you who stole those
pieces of me that I'm missing! ...or "missing pieces of me"

'Coz ya brake me down
Like an old Sheffield chimney stack,
You Chisel at me until I fall,...need the comma?
Flatt (!) like the resonance of...need the (!)?
your bearded voice that,

Takes it toll on those...lower-case T. "takes it(s) toll" is not a very innovative phrase
hammered bones of
this, my blues bludgeoned face...the "this" makes the line a bit too heavy for me
that generously always gives me back,
all those little pieces of me
That I've always seemed…
to be missing ......again, the suggestion I gave for the other instance carries over to this
TDJ Tovey
2011

*Note: in reference to the Sheffield chimney stack bit, you need a quick history lesson. Sheffield, south Yorkshire England (home of AC/DC & Def Leppard) was a booming steel town, and during the 80's in thatcher's rain all the mills got closed down, and from this during my childhood in the 90's there where all these huge chimney stacks from the mills that where constently being ripped down, they made spectacles of it, you could go watch. They crumble like I crumble every time I listen to blues.

i like the energy and idea, but it's time to polish

[billy]

How blues makes me feel...

Blue

You Twing, 'n' you Twang, feels like country
the end result being feels like padding and unnecessary.
the sweetness of your colour, great line, great synaesthesia.
Siphoning the Mississippi blues from another great line apart from the last word and the next line which are unnecessary and a little cliche, (into me would work just as well or better)
Your heart and into my soul

as if it's your suffering that as if is excess
transcends to make me whole;
as if it was you who stole those as if is excess
pieces of me that I'm missing! strong line, giving a sense of being lost in the music

'Coz ya brake me down the line works well but the language feels out of character with the rest of the poem and a bit cheesy
Like an old Sheffield chimney stack,
You Chisel at me until I fall,nice image and simile, why the cap
Flatt (!) like the resonance of not sure why (!)
your bearded voice that, while some of the stanza ends seem jazzy or bluesy (which is what i think you're aiming for) they leave the reader a bit too off key

Takes it toll on those
hammered bones of
this, my blues bludgeoned face [b]this isn't needed[/b]
that generously always gives me back,
all those little pieces of me all is redundant
That I've always seemed…
to be missing ...

TDJ Tovey
2011

*Note: in reference to the Sheffield chimney stack bit, you need a quick history lesson. Sheffield, south Yorkshire England (home of AC/DC & Def Leppard) was a booming steel town, and during the 80's in thatcher's rain all the mills got closed down, and from this during my childhood in the 90's there where all these huge chimney stacks from the mills that where constently being ripped down, they made spectacles of it, you could go watch. They crumble like I crumble every time I listen to blues.

no history lesson needed here, (from Manchester) the snake pass and the Pennines were places i often visited.

mostly nits that i pointed out on what has the ability to be a really good poem. you have some great lines in there, mainly it just seems like some of the padding has to removed and some of the grammar needs working on

thanks for the read.

[Timmycom]

Great comments guys!! I think this poem is perfected now

here's V2:

You Twing, 'n' you Twang,
the sweetness of your colour,
Siphoning the Mississippi blues
From Your heart into my soul

Like your suffering transcends
to make me whole;
as if it was you who stole those
pieces of me that I'm missin’!

'Coz ya brake me down
Like an old Sheffield chimney stack,
chiseling at me until I fall,
Flat! Like the resonance of
your bearded voice that,

Takes its toll on those
hammered bones:
the blues bludgeoned face
that generously always gives me back,
all those little pieces of me
That I seem
to be missing ...