Fragment out of letters to the kingdom of iron rules.

[Mattias Tahri J H]

Longing for your soft skin
That I feel hiding below my blue quilt
A scene not to forget
Unable to see as unreal
Your hair draped like silk curtains
Behind where I seek to hide
Only to blind my sight
On this picture of clear sadness
Still your voice sings angelically
About songs of silence
About melodies
But for my loneliness
Hopeless to hear
And as time struggles by
In the unknown hours
The clock can't be turned back
I have to go out
To see you smiling
Inspired by a brightening sun
But although and again
All that I desire
Is to hide with you
Below that same blue quilt.

[billy]

Longing for your soft skin
That I feel hiding below my blue quilt not sure if that is needed. and i'd suggest a semi colon or colon after quilt: and maybe a line space to heighten any tension you're trying to set up.
A scene not to forget unforgettable hair
Unable to see as unreal this line isn't doing anything, i don't think it's necessary.
Your hair draped like silk curtains, the word curtains sort of crucifies the moment, silk works well enough on it's own if you can't think of a better word than curtains.
Behind where I seek to hide
Only to blind my sight
On this picture of clear sadness clear isn't needed
Still your voice sings angelically
About songs of silence
About melodies
But for my loneliness
Hopeless to hear
And as time struggles by
In the unknown hours
The clock can't be turned back
I have to go out
To see you smiling
Inspired by a brightening sun
But although and again
All that I desire
Is to hide with you
Below that same blue quilt.

the last part becomes too wordy matt, lines 6 and 7 don't seem to convey what you wish as well as they could.
the lack of grammar doesn't work well and some commas periods etc could be used to ease the flow, the iron rules in the title mean something a country maybe? first off it feels like a happy love poem then it feels that someone left you. at the end you're leaving someone else. it could do with a bit of continuity.

i think it needs a strong edit to bring out the real intent of the poem in a way the reader can relate to.

thanks for the read

[Mattias Tahri J H]

Longing for your soft skin
That I feel hiding below my blue quilt not sure if that is needed. and i'd suggest a semi colon or colon after quilt: and maybe a line space to heighten any tension you're trying to set up.
A scene not to forget unforgettable hair
Unable to see as unreal this line isn't doing anything, i don't think it's necessary.
Your hair draped like silk curtains, the word curtains sort of crucifies the moment, silk works well enough on it's own if you can't think of a better word than curtains.
Behind where I seek to hide
Only to blind my sight
On this picture of clear sadness clear isn't needed
Still your voice sings angelically
About songs of silence
About melodies
But for my loneliness
Hopeless to hear
And as time struggles by
In the unknown hours
The clock can't be turned back
I have to go out
To see you smiling
Inspired by a brightening sun
But although and again
All that I desire
Is to hide with you
Below that same blue quilt.

the last part becomes too wordy matt, lines 6 and 7 don't seem to convey what you wish as well as they could.
the lack of grammar doesn't work well and some commas periods etc could be used to ease the flow, the iron rules in the title mean something a country maybe? first off it feels like a happy love poem then it feels that someone left you. at the end you're leaving someone else. it could do with a bit of continuity.

i think it needs a strong edit to bring out the real intent of the poem in a way the reader can relate to.

thanks for the read

Hey Billy, thanks for the read and comments.

This is the kingdom of iron rules:

And where do you live now? There where dread reigns. You are the queen of the kingdom, loving the king of iron rules. There where sorrow has been repressed. And when judgement day will come; oh you mighty queen, the love for your kingdom will be undressed.

I have a lot of letters to this kingdom but before sharing them and commentating on other poëms, I'll try to get better in the English language and the technical side of poëtry, by reading a lot and by grasping the experienced comments on fora like these.

Many thanks, greetz