An orchid

[Johann]

An orchid

Immersed in the quietness of the night,
I behold an orchid afar.
her unutterable beauty is revealed in the moonlight,
and blessed by Venus---the evening star.
In the murmurs of the gentle breeze,
my shadowy door is ajar.

I linger in the courtyard till midnight,
and glimpse her graceful silhouette with delight,
The fragrance of her petals is widely spread.
And I hear the melodious tunes of nightingales
on the branches ahead.

Weather changes before the dawn goddess comes.
Showers have extinguished life’s flames.
Dying crickets are awakened from their dreams.
They won’t see the sun in the morning
and its golden beams.

I see the leaves falling desperately,
in the chilly autumn wind.
Raindrops dripping from the sky in melancholy,
left their happiness and hope behind.
Will the life of the orchid last long,
when the mist makes Venus blind?

The wind might destroy the orchid ruthlessly
in the next day.
Her petals might fall from her entirely,
and the colour might fade away.

But her roots beneath the ground
won’t have time for lamentation,
since they are accumulating strength
for resurrection!



this is my first English poem...I wrote it last year...

[billy]

your english is very good.

and your dissertation on the orchid is also good.
I think if you could spend a little time giving it a consistent rhyme scheme it would add a lot to the poem, at present it varies throughout the poem ababca seems to work well in the 1st stanza so that's one possibility you have. (it would mean breaking the poem up into 6 line verse.

apart from that i'd look at how wordy it is and where you could trim it down taking out anything that doesn't really add to the piece. i think you've written a better poem than many people who have english as their first language.

thanks for the read.

[Johann]

Thank you very much! Your advice is really helpful

your english is very good.

and your dissertation on the orchid is also good.
I think if you could spend a little time giving it a consistent rhyme scheme it would add a lot to the poem, at present it varies throughout the poem ababca seems to work well in the 1st stanza so that's one possibility you have. (it would mean breaking the poem up into 6 line verse.

apart from that i'd look at how wordy it is and where you could trim it down taking out anything that doesn't really add to the piece. i think you've written a better poem than many people who have english as their first language.

thanks for the read.

[billy]

and thank you for replying to someone elses poem. it';s appreciated.

[addy]

Wow, there is a lot to like here. You've got some of the classic romantic imagery down pat. I really love the lines like "... my shadowy door is ajar" (my favorite); it adds a lot subtle dimension.

I agree with the point about the enjambment, and some of the wordiness. Take this section:
I linger in the courtyard till midnight,
and glimpse her graceful silhouette with delight,
The fragrance of her petals is widely spread.

Right now "with delight" is used to rhyme with "midnight", but the rhyme seems kind of forced in. Whereas "silhouette" and "spread" subtly rhyme in sound and would work nicely together: "... glimpse her graceful silhouette // ... fragrance of her petals widely spread". That's just one suggestion

Thanks very much for the lovely read.

[Johann]

Thank you for your advice

Wow, there is a lot to like here. You've got some of the classic romantic imagery down pat. I really love the lines like "... my shadowy door is ajar" (my favorite); it adds a lot subtle dimension.

I agree with the point about the enjambment, and some of the wordiness. Take this section:
I linger in the courtyard till midnight,
and glimpse her graceful silhouette with delight,
The fragrance of her petals is widely spread.

Right now "with delight" is used to rhyme with "midnight", but the rhyme seems kind of forced in. Whereas "silhouette" and "spread" subtly rhyme in sound and would work nicely together: "... glimpse her graceful silhouette // ... fragrance of her petals widely spread". That's just one suggestion

Thanks very much for the lovely read.