About a Girl (repost v.2)

[Universalchild]

I want deeper crit so I can shape this poem up into something good.

Still not sure if I like the title.

-------

remember her
sad jaded guise
faded laughter
fragile child tears
a shade of someone
she could be
anyone

forever
shrouded by smoke
she haunted empty spaces
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass

nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whispered
being alone cuts deeper

tried to hide from herself
and to everyone else
invisible

she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite

underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate

isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits

she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed

they found her
huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered
she finally found company
in little black flies
who swarm lovingly
around her swollen smile
hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen

[penguin]

Hello Phaedra. I suppose the trouble with the title is that one thinks automatically of About A Boy- and there the comparisons end.
I still think you should cut "anyone"
haunting empty spaces - avoids repetition of she.
"solitude cuts deeper"?
I think this bit is laying it on rather too thickly

marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite

Do you really need to add that the pills were prescribed ?

Maybe "her final company little black flies"

[Universalchild]

Yeah, I wanted a literal title but I think mayhaps it doesn't work.

I'll think about cutting "anyone" but I quite like it.

I'll do the she cut though, that works.

I did think of using solitude actually, but it doesn't work because she would never have used that word. Even though she isn't literally speaking in this bit, I feel like it should reflect her language. Also, although they are used interchangably, solitude and loneliness have different connotations. A solitary person brings to mind one who actively chooses to be by themselves. Solitude has positive connotations which loneliness does not. Someone can be solitary/seek solitude but you don't really hear people seeking loneliness, because loneliness is a state where regardless for who is actually around you, you aren't making connections. Lonely people want company but aren't achieving it. Sorry for the massive response over something so small I just felt like justifying my choice of simple words!

I might cut out that bit you noted, I do agree with you, it's heavy. Mind you, it does fit the actual situation. But I do need to make it shorter and that bit is not so relevant as others.

The line about the doctors is there for a few reasons. The first is to make it clear that these drugs that she overdosed on were entirely legal and meant for her. The second is to inform that people were away of her situation and yet they did not prevent her from dying. That line is condemnation. I may have not made that strong enough, I did give some implication with "which/witch doctor" but I don't know if that really is effective. It's not an outright blame to the doctor, but anyone could see she was a time bomb and nobody moved fast enough to save her. She wasn't even 18, she was still a child. Someone should have been watching out for her.

I'll think about the end edit, though I don't think it has the same effect.

Sorry for the ramblings and ravings, it's an emotional subject and I tangent.

[billy]

hi Phaedra, i'm sure i replied to the original but i can't find it if i double up or miss anything forgive me.

I want deeper crit so I can shape this poem up into something good.

Still not sure if I like the title.

-------

remember her
sad jaded guise
faded laughter
fragile child tears
a shade of someone
she could be
anyone much better without dulled vis...

forever
shrouded by smoke
she haunted empty spaces
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass

nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whispered
being alone cuts deeper

tried to hide from herself better stanza making the last line better understood.
and to everyone else
invisible

she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die feels a little weak but the italics do add something.
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite

underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate

isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits i think this and the last stanza are pretty much saying the same thing. could one be incorporated into the other with any redundancies removed?

she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed

they found her
huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered
she finally found company
in little black flies
who swarm lovingly
around her swollen smile
hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen the end is better.

on the whole a good edit. i still think there's more you could do but a step at a time is always the best way

without doing any rewrite (just suggesting)

she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed

could be tightened up to get your point across without too much verbiage.

she had prescribed sleeping
pills and opiates

still some areas that are skirting cliche but a big improvement. good edit.

[Philatone]

hey phaedra
some quick thoughts
(most of my comments from the original still hold I feel)

remember her
sad jaded guise
faded laughter
fragile child tears ...not sure how this will strike you, but I would either modify every noun with 2 adjectives (e.g., add an adjective after "faded" in the line above) or use 1 adjective (drop either "sad" or "jaded"; "fragile" or "child"). I like the immediacy and strength of the latter
a shade of someone
she could be
anyone

forever
shrouded by smoke ...need "smoke"?
she haunted empty spaces
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass

nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whispered
being alone cuts deeper

tried to hide from herself
and to everyone else
invisible ...in some ways, this stanza does not bring a whole lot of new description to the character. I already get this with lines like "nobody knew her" and "shrouded by smoke"

she asked questions like ...need "like"?
wouldn't it be easier to die
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite

underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate

isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits

she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed

they found her
huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered
she finally found company
in little black flies
who swarm lovingly
around her swollen smile
hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen

the last verse feels a bit more formal than what preceded it for me. it introduces a "they" that really isn't mentioned previously. did you feel compelled to close the piece?

[Universalchild]

@billy

You did do the original, it's on mild. I upgraded to serious hah.

I'll think about your suggestion for the next edit. Thankyou for the feedback! Really appreciated.

@Philatone

I see what you mean about making them match adjective-wise. I'll consider that for the next edit.

I think I do need "like" because it is the suggestion she asked more then one, and that they were all similar, and that the following is an example... Unless something else would work better.

I don't understand what you mean by did I feel compelled to close the piece... Do you mean describe her death? Completely. What is the point in describing what happened if you don't conclude it? You're giving me the impression you think this is a fictional story, but this is a real event, a real girl. I've dressed it up because some details are just too much but it is still the truth and I can't change the story itself. Leaving out her actual death wouldn't cut it for me. The formality of the last verse reflects the situation - the police, the ambulance, the air of horror and secrecy passed through the services involved with her as if they didn't expect it.