Rave-Down.

[Timmycom]

I thought of the idea of this whilst on the 7 mile walk home from a Rave... A come-down can be humbling.

I have been having trouble with this for a while, I think I have just about cracked it, but I donno. I feel it needs review. Thanks =]

Tc.

Rave-down.

So, I love you.
Or at least, I think I do
until that frightful morning comes,
and I realise I'd rather fracture my thumb
than talk to this stranger for another
knuckle dragging moment;

For their ain't no hope of consolatory
atonement when you find one’s self
blaming time it's self for existing:
prolonging it's self
so that it drags out your suffering.
all this for the sake of the universe's health!

Errgh God Damn,
am I really that selfish that
I would ask a crack in dimensional
space-time fabric like some crazy soddin’ manic
Rose or Einstein figurin’ out a better way to loop back
to their own bed earlier just so they can
lie down, go to sleep and recover?

Fuck it.
‘course I would!
‘Coz can’t you see I'm frightfully starting falter?
‘n’ how my consciousness is about to slip,
with every foot-step, my eyes are forced into slits
feeling it drawing me ever closer like the break of day into
dawn

and just like the sun, my heart’s rising,
pounding, nothing but the onomatopoeia keeping me awake
with the 7 mile promise of home
keeping me staked, gripped into place
amongst the rippling blanket of space-time,
oh whose waves are collapsing in on me,

Oh behold the end of my escapism, watch it fold in upon me!
engulfing me again into this, my endless
rat race, this tail gating consumerism
that defines my need to be ‘endlessly’ happy...

(A constant personal pressure, of mine)

02:58
11/07/12
TDJ Tovey

[Philatone]

hey timmy

I would check to be sure all those "selves" are 1) needed and 2) correct (spelling, usage--on one or two occasions, a you become a "one's self")

asking and answering your own questions can be a difficult strategy to pull off. I would get a greater sense of strength in the piece if the speaker admitted his selfishness much sooner, rather than witnessing his debate, which takes up some valuable space in the poem.

I like the attention to sound and rhythm you present, it gives the piece a needed sense of cohesion for me

[billy]

I thought of the idea of this whilst on the 7 mile walk home from a Rave... A come-down can be humbling.

I have been having trouble with this for a while, I think I have just about cracked it, but I donno. I feel it needs review. Thanks =]

Tc.

Rave-down.

So, I love you.
Or at least, I think I do
until that frightful morning comes,
and I realise I'd rather fracture my thumb
than talk to this stranger for another
knuckle dragging moment; i like this line and it feels like a solid enough opening stanza.

For their ain't no hope of consolatory for doesn't work for me
atonement when you find one’s self
blaming time it's self for existing:
prolonging it's self
so that it drags out your suffering.
all this for the sake of the universe's health!

Errgh God Damn,
am I really that selfish that
I would ask a crack in dimensional
space-time fabric like some crazy soddin’ manic
Rose or Einstein figurin’ out a better way to loop back
to their own bed earlier just so they can
lie down, go to sleep and recover?

Fuck it.
‘course I would!
‘Coz can’t you see I'm frightfully starting falter? a confusing line
‘n’ how my consciousness is about to slip,
with every foot-step, my eyes are forced into slits
feeling it drawing me ever closer like the break of day into
dawn

and just like the sun, my heart’s rising,
pounding, nothing but the onomatopoeia keeping me awake
with the 7 mile promise of home
keeping me staked, gripped into place
amongst the rippling blanket of space-time,
oh whose waves are collapsing in on me,

Oh behold the end of my escapism, watch it fold in upon me!
engulfing me again into this, my endless
rat race, this tail gating consumerism
that defines my need to be ‘endlessly’ happy...

(A constant personal pressure, of mine)

02:58
11/07/12
TDJ Tovey

look out for it's and its make sure you use the right one. make sure the word usage is right (oneself) unless if one's self is what you intended then it's good to go. a ! would work better than Errgh, Errgh reads like someone taking a dump


i think this is an excellent poem. i think some of the syntax isn't. in places it very hard to see what's being said.

oh whose waves are collapsing in on me, it doesn't need oh

remove any word that isn't absolutely needed. there are more. i like the feel of the poem. the cruelty of it. it does feel honest. i'd have liked to have seen the come down intro worked into the poem as opposed to be an intro..

I thought of this whilst on the 7 mile walk
home from a Rave... A come-down can be humbling.

would have been a good opener .

doesn't need much but it does need some work doing in order to make it shine

thanks for the read.

[Timmycom]

I thought of the idea of this whilst on the 7 mile walk home from a Rave... A come-down can be humbling.

I have been having trouble with this for a while, I think I have just about cracked it, but I donno. I feel it needs review. Thanks =]

Tc.

Rave-down.

So, I love you.
Or at least, I think I do
until that frightful morning comes,
and I realise I'd rather fracture my thumb
than talk to this stranger for another
knuckle dragging moment; i like this line and it feels like a solid enough opening stanza.

For their ain't no hope of consolatory for doesn't work for me
atonement when you find one’s self
blaming time it's self for existing:
prolonging it's self
so that it drags out your suffering.
all this for the sake of the universe's health!

Ah! God Damn,
am I really that selfish that
I would ask a crack in dimensional
space-time fabric like some crazy soddin’ manic
Rose or Einstein figurin’ out a better way to loop back
to their own bed earlier just so they can
lie down, go to sleep and recover?

Fuck it.
‘course I would!
‘Coz can’t you see I'm frightfully starting falter? a confusing line
‘n’ how my consciousness is about to slip,
with every foot-step, my eyes are forced into slits
feeling it drawing me ever closer like the break of day into
dawn

and just like the sun, my heart’s rising,
pounding, nothing but the onomatopoeia keeping me awake
with the 7 mile promise of home
keeping me staked, gripped into place
amongst the rippling blanket of space-time,
oh whose waves are collapsing in on me,

Oh behold the end of my escapism, watch it fold in upon me!
engulfing me again into this, my endless
rat race, this tail gating consumerism
that defines my need to be ‘endlessly’ happy...

(A constant personal pressure, of mine)

02:58
11/07/12
TDJ Tovey

look out for it's and its make sure you use the right one. make sure the word usage is right (oneself) unless if one's self is what you intended then it's good to go. a ! would work better than Errgh, Errgh reads like someone taking a dump


i think this is an excellent poem. i think some of the syntax isn't. in places it very hard to see what's being said.

oh whose waves are collapsing in on me, it doesn't need oh

remove any word that isn't absolutely needed. there are more. i like the feel of the poem. the cruelty of it. it does feel honest. i'd have liked to have seen the come down intro worked into the poem as opposed to be an intro..

I thought of this whilst on the 7 mile walk
home from a Rave... A come-down can be humbling.

would have been a good opener .

doesn't need much but it does need some work doing in order to make it shine

thanks for the read.

Wow! Very pleased with this! ... Yeah. So. I think I need to do some English lessons >_< I think I am getting tired of this basic shit that's messing me around.

Thanks, once again for reading Billy! I need to make a point to read some of yours, man.

[billy]

read leannes or jacks or todds, or anyone but mine, mine ain't that good

[braggman]

I thought of the idea of this whilst on the 7 mile walk home from a Rave... A come-down can be humbling.

I have been having trouble with this for a while, I think I have just about cracked it, but I donno. I feel it needs review. Thanks =]

Tc.

Rave-down.

So, I love you.
Or at least, I think I do
until that frightful morning comes, frightful is a rather drastic word
and I realise I'd rather fracture my thumb
than talk to this stranger for another
knuckle dragging moment;

For their ain't no hope of consolatory colloquial tone sudden and forced
atonement when you find one’s self
blaming time it's self for existing: like the concept, not the colon
prolonging it's self
so that it drags out your suffering.
all this for the sake of the universe's health!

Errgh God Damn, Always fun to add some Yiddish
am I really that selfish that
I would ask a crack/in dimensional line breaks suggested in red
space-time fabric /like some crazy soddin’ manic
Rose or Einstein figurin’ out a better way to loop back
to their own bed earlier just so they can
lie down, go to sleep and recover?

Fuck it.
‘course I would! Maybe stick all with either questions or answers
‘Coz can’t you see I'm frightfully starting falter?
‘n’ how my consciousness is about to slip,
with every foot-step, my eyes are forced into slits
feeling it drawing me ever closer like the break of day into
dawn

and just like the sun, my heart’s rising, starting to feel the flow better here
pounding, nothing but the onomatopoeia keeping me awake
with the 7 mile promise of home
keeping me staked, gripped into place
amongst the rippling blanket of space-time,
oh whose waves are collapsing in on me,

Oh behold the end of my escapism, watch it fold in upon me! suddenly archaic styling now
engulfing me again into this, my endless
rat race, this tail gating consumerism
that defines my need to be ‘endlessly’ happy...

(A constant personal pressure, of mine)

02:58
11/07/12
TDJ Tovey


It's a bit of a mix. Natural style, colloquial, then natural, then a bit archaic. Also a mix of questions and answers. I know that is what you do, having walked 5 miles from a bar once, but perhaps not in the poetic summation of such a trek.