A Death in rural China…..Population 1,349,048,905
#1
Edit 2.All points noted. Thanks each

At dawn the light is stretched to ground, below the still and perfumed haze;
the aspic air aglow and held by pointed props of bamboo staves.
The dogs, asleep behind hemp walls or prowling empty alleyways,
growl at the hidden heron’s stab, its cover lost to circling waves.

As gold escapes the lidded eye that opens east on terraced slopes
the light-slit orbs of restless men, dog-barked in to the brightening day,
glint with the tear of parting dreams, of bellies full and fulfilled hopes;
just touched by death in restless nights, re-birth induced by warming rays.

Some few remain, in void of sleep, cold to the touch, as feigning death;
then rise in drowsy, languid time, with gnawing thoughts of breaking fast,
and with somnambulistic gait, and effort steaming in their breath,
they light stick fires to heat green tea and bubble rice; their sole repast.

But one lies late, and does not move; though dogs bark loud to end their rest.
Pale faced, upon his coarse reed mat, he lies inert in tightened skin.
The opium Peace has left her flower, one poppy placed on naked breast,
by one who knows that welcome death, will come to those who let her in.

Tom Kirby
2012-07-11
Reply
#2
Capitalize rural maybe?

I'm in a rush, will say something more helpful later, but just wanted to say I found this more moving this read round then I did before, I really love this piece.
Reply
#3
It's pretty good, I like the 1st and 3rd verses very much. The 2nd verse is weakest, I think
.dog-barked in to the brightening day - doesn't sound right somehow.
Not keen on full and fulfilled. Why do you capitalise Glint?
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.
Reply
#4
(07-24-2012, 01:05 AM)Universalchild Wrote:  Capitalize rural maybe?

I'm in a rush, will say something more helpful later, but just wanted to say I found this more moving this read round then I did before, I really love this piece.
Thanks for the glance, univ,
Look forward to your input.. I hope this is ready for bed, but time will tell.No to Rural, though!
Best,
tectak

(07-24-2012, 03:27 AM)penguin Wrote:  It's pretty good, I like the 1st and 3rd verses very much. The 2nd verse is weakest, I think
.dog-barked in to the brightening day - doesn't sound right somehow.
Not keen on full and fulfilled. Why do you capitalise Glint?
He penguin,
I guess I was a bit too clever (or not clever enough!) with the play on full and fulfilled. Glint corrected immediately. Got under the radar.
Best,
tectak
Reply




Users browsing this thread:
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!