Mate

[Philatone]

Your pawn
has blossomed
into a queen,

bald dome crowned,
frail trunk broadened
as the cross

of a widowed king
caught stepping right
into her missing arms.

[billy]

check

[penguin]

Hello Geoff. I'm curious about this, what it's about. An explanation or even a hint would be good. The penultimate line I find makes the least sense - that "stepping right into". And I wondered whether "is promoted" would make a better 2nd line.

[addy]

Haha, nice. I love those ending lines. Stepping right into her missing arms works so well. In fact a lot of this works so well.

[Leanne]

Geoff, great opening lines and the double metaphor of tree/chess extends well... but I wonder at the "was" in the last stanza, which for me would only work if there was no comma at the end of the first stanza... unless you mean that the cross was doing the stepping and I confess, that would leave me completely lost!

[Philatone]

billy
-thanks!

ray
-i guess i could change the title to "checkmate" or something like that. i'll need some time to think of a way to make it clearer and drop more hints. to give the least away, it was supposed to capture a very specific moment in chess and the kinds of feelings involved. debated "promoted", but it felt more direct than I would like. will consider what you have said, thanks for the time and read

addy
-thanks for the read and kind words!

leanne
-good eye, my mistake. will delete the "was"; gramatically, still works fine. would a comma after "king" also help?
thanks for the time and read

[Leanne]

No, I think I'm ok without a comma after "king" -- it's incredible the difference one little word can make! The personification is good -- I wouldn't suggest changing the title, that would be a bit too tell-y and close off any other readings but the chess game itself.

[Philatone]

thanks; i like the effect of it as well.
appreciate the return to this

[arbil_poieo]

Honestly, when I first read it I didn't have any idea of what this piece meant. Through reading your comments on this I understand now and it works. I like how you opened, almost like you took the opening from the middle of another poem. Who knew chess could be so poetic.

[Paddygirl]

Checkmate as a title would definitely have given it away - leaving the reader to think on it with word usage works well, loved widowed king and missing arms, actually that whole stanza is a fantastic finish.

[Philatone]

paddy, arbil

thanks for the time and reads! appreciate your words