while we mind the hours

[Tracey]

under-scene fish sync
fours, fives, pi.
water-shawled depth-speak
unseen mind.

land-side offerings
palm-sized, scaled.
bracted potential
flight, wisp-air.

is-ness unfurling
clocks unheard
silent exchanges
oyster, pearl.

symmetry, motion,
mystery.
herring, cousin of
evergreen.

---

I wrote this recently to accompany a friend's photo, which we have submitted for consideration at an exhibit. Before I post it with the photo, I'd like to see how the poem holds up on its own. Fire away!

---

I wrote this recently to accompany a friend's photo, which we have submitted for consideration at an exhibit. Before I post it with the photo, I'd like to see how the poem holds up on its own. Fire away!

[billy]

i get a feeling of time but it's a vague feeling at best.
it's written a little too tightly for my eyes to penetrate the meaning behind it.
i see the water related things which i assume are metaphor but i'm afraid i can't decipher there meaning.

thanks for the read.

[Leanne]

I really like that title, Tracey

The picture I get is looking up from the bottom of the ocean/lake, through the quiet but intense activity of the underwater world, to a clocktower on the shore -- or possibly to the sun as it passes across the sky. Something circular, at least, otherwise there'd be little point to pi. The other possibility that comes to mind is of those huge discs of coral, which is backed up by the "bracted potential" line.

I think the contrasts are good. Normally we associate activity with noise, but underwater that sound element is taken away so the movement itself becomes the focus, without any other sensual distraction. Maybe a few too many hyphens but otherwise the imagery is, if not entirely clear, definitely rich.

[addy]

There are swift glimpses of meaning here that overall remain elusive (which i suppose is intentional). All my interpretations are mere guesses. There seems to be talk of an underwater school of fish that are moving in an organized fashion. They take an interest in something---there are hints that it's a pinecone or some similar object (bracted, terrestrial, palmsized, potential, evergreen) . The third stanza I confess, is a bit of a mystery to me . The overall vibe seems to be about structure as observed in nature.

I'm sure the picture will be quite interesting, and will round off the gaps in the poem nicely. In terms of word-choice as well as sonically the piece is pleasing, but again the full significance of the scene is a tad elusive without the picture. But it was a very nice read

[penguin]

Hello Tracey. I like this, especially 1st and 3rd verse. The 2nd verse is weak, to my mind. You've nice off rhymes throughout - pi/mind, unheard/pearl, mystery/evergreen. In the 2nd verse you've scaled/wisp-air!
This would fix it

land-side offerings
scaled, palm-size.
bracted potential
wisp-air, flight.

[Todd]

Hi Tracey,

I like this (mostly your setup in S1). A couple comments:

under-scene fish sync--Love under-scene I see it a a cross between undersea and something that is out of our site "under what's really going on" (at least from our limited perspective)
fours, fives, pi.--I think of this as moving schools of fish fisrt in small clusters and then uncountable
water-shawled depth-speak
unseen mind.--This last three phrases are gorgeous

land-side offerings
palm-sized, scaled.
bracted potential
flight, wisp-air.--I like this last line for it's sense of movement. I'm not as high on the others as their just less evocative to what you've touched on so far

is-ness unfurling--Makes me think of both the octupi spreading it's tentacles, or a jellyfish. It also keeps making me shift from one thing to the mass of life
clocks unheard--Like the tie in back to the title. While we make our arbitrary distinctions above the surface all of this is happening
silent exchanges
oyster, pearl.

symmetry, motion,
mystery.--these two lines strike me as a little telling I'd rather see it in the type of motion you've already touched on
herring, cousin of
evergreen.--The ending is interesting. I'm not sure of the connection when I think herring I think of red herring which is an argument to distract us from the point (probably not the point here but you take your connections where you can find them).

---

I wrote this recently to accompany a friend's photo, which we have submitted for consideration at an exhibit. Before I post it with the photo, I'd like to see how the poem holds up on its own. Fire away!

---

I wrote this recently to accompany a friend's photo, which we have submitted for consideration at an exhibit. Before I post it with the photo, I'd like to see how the poem holds up on its own. Fire away!

Nice read.

Best,

Todd