The Party Boys

[Timmycom]

Yeah... Alot work has gone into this one.
It's about me and my two oldest freinds of all time. Known once since I was 1 year old, and other since I was about 3... I'm 21 now
(British, so I've been drinking a while longer than you USA-ers. In case you where wondering.)

V2
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The Party Boys.

So, I used to go to all the parties,
Oh - ever since the beginnings of our times:
there’d be “football-cake”, jellies and ice cream
and after, we’d sink screaming - into the pirate riddled
depths of the Ball pool, further exploring its expanses,
Now, laid teeming, infested, with fanatic shark impressions
of those children, (after too much cake) that lay smiling as if
frozen, jammed in the ancient family photograph,
in this the Nikon A1 of my mind.

Oh and their childish impressions, almost as terrible
as how I’m forgetful to the length of time
it has been since I went to such parties,
Yet! such Impressions are still as frightful:
as frightfully wonderful as those happy children
playing their games of whose nicknames we’d now use
In drinking games almost 12 years later

Drowning ourselves in the alcohol, daring ourselves to do better!
until gravitational law throws Newton’s books at us:
falling over, throwing up, whilst simultaneously
telling one another “Howwwf’huckin’ muchsh”
each other loves one another!
Of how it feels to be, in at least
an Inherited sense…

“… Bbbrrruuuuveeerrrssshhh.”

V1:
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The Party Boys.

…How I used to go to all the parties,
Oh ever since the beginnings of our times:
There’d be “football-cake”, jellies and ice cream
Then after, we’d sink screaming into the pirate riddled depths of the
Ball pool, furtherly exploring its expanses,
Now, laid teeming (infested) with fanatic shark impressions
Of those children, (after too much cake) that lay smiling as if
frozen, within the jammed family photograph,
Within the ancient Nikon A1 of my mind

Oh their childish impressions, almost as frightful
as how I’m forgetful to the length of time
It had been since I went to such parties,
and yet these Impressions are still as frightful:
As frightfully wonderful as those happy children
Playing their games of whose nicknames we’d
now use nostalgically In drinking games almost eight years later

Drowning ourselves in the alcohol, daring ourselves to do better!
Until gravitational law throws Newton’s books at us:
falling over, throwing up, whilst simultaneously
telling one another “Howwwf’huckin’ muchsh”
each other loves one another!
of how it feels to be, in at least in an Inherited
sence…

“… Bbbrrruuuuveeerrrssshhh.”

[billy]

Yeah... Alot work has gone into this one.

The Party Boys.

…How I used to go to all the parties,
Oh ever since the beginnings of our times: maybe a comma after Oh, or an exclamation.
There’d be “football-cake”, jellies and ice cream
Then after, we’d sink screaming into the pirate riddled depths of the not a good way to end the enjambment
Ball pool, furtherly exploring its expanses, further
Now, laid teeming (infested) with fanatic shark impressions
Of those children, (after too much cake) that lay smiling as if
frozen, within the jammed family photograph,
Within the ancient Nikon A1 of my mind two within's are too much
i really like the content so far, some good childhood images.

Oh their childish impressions, almost as frightful
as how I’m forgetful to the length of time
It had been since I went to such parties,
and yet these Impressions are still as frightful: would another word do instead of frightful.
As frightfully wonderful as those happy children
Playing their games of whose nicknames we’d
now use nostalgically In drinking games almost eight years later this line makes it feel a lot weaker than it should, nostalgia needs a lot more than 8 years (in my opinion )and the 2nd use of games

Drowning ourselves in the alcohol, daring ourselves to do better!
Until gravitational law throws Newton’s books at us:
falling over, throwing up, whilst simultaneously
telling one another “Howwwf’huckin’ muchsh” love this line, would “Howwwf’huckin’ muchsh” work better on its own line
each other loves one another!
of how it feels to be, in at least in an Inherited
sence… sense

“… Bbbrrruuuuveeerrrssshhh.”

it was entertaining to say the least. original is always best and this was.
a small edit could help it a lot. some of the repetitions, nostalgically really doesn't work and wouldn't be missed were it removed. i like the way the party boys stayed the party boys it has a feeling of friendship in the piece which was warming

thanks for the read.

[Paddygirl]

Loved how you portrayed both party stages, the openness and abandon shown in the childhood stages and then the insecurities that arise in the teens and later where alcohol is needed to fuel and strengthen the reduced ability to show emotion as you get older and the unity sought but hidden behind drunken games.... 'bbbrrruuuuveeerrrssshhh" nice

[addy]

Yeah... Alot work has gone into this one.

The Party Boys.

…How I used to go to all the parties,
Oh ever since the beginnings of our times:
There’d be “football-cake”, jellies and ice cream Such a fun image
Then after, we’d sink screaming into the pirate riddled depths of the
Ball pool, furtherly exploring its expanses,
Now, laid teeming (infested) maybe a comma would suffice, as a parenthesis doesn't seem right; it's practically just a synonym, rather than a meaty elaboration with fanatic shark impressions
Of those children, (after too much cake) maybe "too much cake" should be after smiling that lay smiling as if
frozen, within the jammed family photograph,
Within the ancient Nikon A1 of my mind These last two images (both preluded with "within") perform similar functions... I think you should just stick with the Nikon one. It's far more interesting

Oh their childish impressions, almost as frightful
as how I’m forgetful to the length of time
It had been since I went to such parties,
and yet these Impressions are still as frightful:
As frightfully wonderful as those happy children
Playing their games of whose nicknames we’d
now use nostalgically In drinking games almost eight years later I think this stanza needs the most work. At certain points it meanders around and talks about a whole lot of nothing: "childish impressions, frightful....since I went to such parties.... yet impressions are still frightful.... frightfully wonderful as those happy children playing their games whose nicknames..." etc. You get the picture. Just give it a good trim (leave out parts already established before) and I think this'll work really well

Drowning ourselves in the no need for "the" alcohol, daring ourselves to do better!
Until gravitational law throws Newton’s books at us: good one
falling over, throwing up, whilst simultaneously
telling one another “Howwwf’huckin’ muchsh”
each other loves one another!
of how it feels to be, in at least in an Inherited
sence…

“… Bbbrrruuuuveeerrrssshhh.” LOL Quite an irreverent ending

[Timmycom]

Thank you all for your comments! Very helpful! Glad this one went down better.

[Philatone]

hey timmy

Yeah... Alot work has gone into this one.

The Party Boys.

…How I used to go to all the parties, ...how would you feel about using this as the title instead? it would let you begin a kind of repetition of "Oh..."
Oh ever since the beginnings of our times:
There’d be “football-cake”, jellies and ice cream
Then after, we’d sink screaming into the pirate riddled depths of the
Ball pool, furtherly exploring its expanses,
Now, laid teeming (infested) with fanatic shark impressions
Of those children, (after too much cake) that lay smiling as if
frozen, within the jammed family photograph,
Within the ancient Nikon A1 of my mind

Oh their childish impressions, almost as frightful
as how I’m forgetful to the length of time
It had been since I went to such parties,
and yet these Impressions are still as frightful:
As frightfully wonderful as those happy children
Playing their games of whose nicknames we’d
now use nostalgically In drinking games almost eight years later

Drowning ourselves in the alcohol, daring ourselves to do better!
Until gravitational law throws Newton’s books at us:
falling over, throwing up, whilst simultaneously
telling one another “Howwwf’huckin’ muchsh”
each other loves one another!
of how it feels to be, in at least in an Inherited
sence…

“… Bbbrrruuuuveeerrrssshhh.”

there were repetitions of some words that I think could be trimmed. also, breaking up the piece with more sentences could help the flow, cohesion, and comprehensibility (not that it's too difficult to follow). I think you capture the scenes pretty well; has an original feel to it

[arbil_poieo]

It's obvious you put a lot of work into this. This was amusing, unique, and insightful all in one. I love how it's a journey from childhood friendships that's innocent and imaginative to young men getting drunk together and doing stupid things.

"oh their childish impressions, almost as frightful"----I would change that to terrifying
and maybe
"As frightfully wonderful..." change frightfully to terribly or something like that

Love the ending, it's hilarious and gives the poem a little extra, it works well with what you were going for with this.
Your hard work to put this together is paid off for sure.
Amazing job, the images were fun and original. Thank you for the read.

[billy]

just saw my post and realised this is the novice forum. sorry timmycom.
can you mods keep an eye on me please

[Timmycom]

just saw my post and realised this is the novice forum. sorry timmycom.
can you mods keep an eye on me please

It's okay Billy I pride myself on being able to take negitive feedback.
After the Anxeity tree didn't do well, I was a little worried so - That's why I posted this here ><

Thank you for reading man!

[Wildcard]

Hi Timmycom

I enjoy the transition you make from being children to the 'present'- being adults together. I felt that you grammar was off in a few areas, but throughout the read I connected at each level with at least one thing from you work. Laying with my stomach way too full on a playground desperately wanting to play, but somehow still fairly satisfied to lie there surrounded by fun All the way to the beer drinking and your use of purposely slurred speech.

In the closing, I see 'in at least in an Inherited sence…' and I'm thinking you meant to write 'at least in an inherited sense.

All in all thanks for the read and thanks for sharing.

[Timmycom]

It's obvious you put a lot of work into this. This was amusing, unique, and insightful all in one. I love how it's a journey from childhood friendships that's innocent and imaginative to young men getting drunk together and doing stupid things.

"oh their childish impressions, almost as frightful"----I would change that to terrifying
and maybe
"As frightfully wonderful..." change frightfully to terribly or something like that

Love the ending, it's hilarious and gives the poem a little extra, it works well with what you were going for with this.
Your hard work to put this together is paid off for sure.
Amazing job, the images were fun and original. Thank you for the read.

Haha! TERRIBLE! BUT OF COURCE! IT WAS SO SIMPLE! Haha XD That was bugging me >_<

See Vertion 2 is up

[billy]

thanks for the absolution tc

the edit you've done so far does add to poem and therefore works, i still think a few things could be done, but understand why you want to touch it as little as possible.

sence is still the wrong spelling )

the friendship that was grown into is evident and hearty.

[Timmycom]

thanks for the absolution tc

the edit you've done so far does add to poem and therefore works, i still think a few things could be done, but understand why you want to touch it as little as possible.

sence is still the wrong spelling )

the friendship that was grown into is evident and hearty.

God damn it! How do you spell sense? My Grammar and spelling has ALWAYS been my weakness. Not that am tranna hide behind it but I have dyspraxia and I have trouble grasping things with order, what am saying is please highlight and help me with this for future reference.

[billy]

do you have a spell checker, they are invaluable. specially if you're rushing or have some reading problems. they don't cover all the bases but they catch a lot of mistakes. and of course. i'll point them out and let them be seen in future.

as for grammar, i suck at grammar like a baby on the tit

[Timmycom]

Do you have a spell checker, they are invaluable. specially if you're rushing or have some reading problems. they don't cover all the bases but they catch a lot of mistakes. and of course. i'll point them out and let them be seen in future.

as for grammar, i suck at grammar like a baby on the tit

'Course I do! I use the latest version of word I'm just really, really bad at spelling, so even when it corrects I don't realise it's the wrong correction :|

[billy]

i just use the spell check in firefox. and i have to agree, i still get it wrong