Would that...

[Alden]

v2:

memory formed a keen apex;
a single pinhole revealing
life as a constant slope toward
- or trajectory from - a moment.
With faint pressure,
the rich color would bleed
into firm, artful strokes.

Alas,
A blunted, crude utensil
Yet still beyond our faculty
History is the work of graceless hands:
a waxy childish smudge
in calico brown.


Original
If my memory formed a keen apex,
if a single pinhole revealed
my life as a constant slope toward
or angle away from
that moment…
if, with a little pressure,
the rich color would seep out in bold lines,
I would write my history.

But there are no straight lines,
the points are jagged
and my history is a waxy childish smear
in calico brown.

[Leanne]

If my memory formed a keen apex,
if a single pinhole revealed -- I'm not particularly keen on starting these two lines with "if" -- one or the other would be my suggestion, probably the first, changing the second to "and a single pinhole revealed"
my life as a constant slope toward
or angle away from -- this line feels like it wants to be in parentheses or surrounded by em-dashes
that moment…
if, with a little pressure,
the rich color would seep out in bold lines, -- I can't really visualise seeping in bold lines, since seeping is much more delicate in my mind -- if it's an intentional contrast of ideas, I'm not convinced it's strong enough to work. Perhaps use a colour instead of bold?
I would write my history.

But there are no straight lines, -- a semi-colon here might be better
the points are jagged
and my history is a waxy childish smear
in calico brown. -- my primary school pinafore was made of calico, so this is a good image for me, enhancing the (innocence? ignorance? not quite childishness, I'm not sure what word I'm looking for at the minute, sorry!)

Nice to read your words again Alden.

---

PS. Now give it a bloody name!

[addy]

If my memory formed a keen apex,
if a single pinhole revealed
my life as a constant slope toward
or angle away from Like this so far. A very, very minor nit....something about this particular line loses momentum for me. Everything else about the stanza is so surefooted (which is of course the point). As it is "slope toward" has a certainty that "angle away" seems to lack a bit
that moment… Maybe L6 to L7 should be preceded and ended with dashes? Someone with more grammar savvy could probably correct me
if, with a little pressure,
the rich color would seep out in bold lines, Makes me think of something potent, like blood, which I like
I would write my history.

But there are no straight lines, Period?
the points are jagged
and my history is a waxy childish smear
in calico brown. Great stanza. Calico brown works very nicely

[billy]

have to do some feedback later as i've over eaten and need a nap

[arbil_poieo]

This is strong and sharp. I really love the lines "the rich color would seep out in bold lines" and "and my history is a waxy childish smear." Those lines really reveal the mood in this poem without exaggeration or forcing it on the reader. My only suggestion are the lines:
"But there are no straight lines,
the points are jagged"
The point you were making in these two lines which I'm assuming they're your climax are understated compared to the rest of the poem, just doesn't fit to me. Also, using "but" as the first word in a new stanza doesn't make sense to me.

Other than just those two minor things, I really like the tone and how you develop the poem. Amazing job.

[billy]

If my memory formed a keen apex, what a good start, makes me think of "as sharp as a razor"
if a single pinhole revealed would 'or' or 'and work better at the start of this sentence?
my life as a constant slope toward
or angle away from i see where the angle works with apex and slope to extend the metaphor and like it, that said i think the 'or angle' is strong enough for it's own line while moving 'away from' down before 'that moment...'
that moment…
if, with a little pressure,
the rich color would seep out in bold lines, is 'the' needed?
I would write my history.

But there are no straight lines, not sure if straight s the same as bold
the points are jagged
and my history is a waxy childish smear
in calico brown. good image to end

i get a feeling you're telling us your life was shit i really like the ending.
thanks for the read. i almost forgot.....try a use a title. it adds to a poem and can be used to give the reader some kind of direction. it's one of the best tools you have to lead us on your merry dance.

[tectak]

If my memory formed a keen apex,Wheels on fire. Rolling down the road. Ah yes...those were the days. Julie Driscoll, if my memory serves me well. And the point? Well, this does have a nice variation in meter which cries out for a musical frame. The "if" word is topical at the moment on this site....no idea why....but I lament this construct. The if if if is iffy. It CAN be made to work by careful attention to the answer to the implied question. See Rudyard Kipling. Any other route than a commited journey to a pre-conceived end tends to get the writer, and thence the reader, lost along the way. I think that this has happened here. You have some pseudo-important wordy lines which indicate that you are seeing your poetic images through the lens of camera; pinhole/colour seep/angle indicate this sub-thinking, but then you shy away from the analogy, away from the metaphor. This could be a great stanza but, to continue the analogy, the film is fogged. I confess that I am not sure of the away/toward conflict. I would be happier with one or the other. It is cryptic in the extreme. Similarly, seeping, a fluid effusion, does not easily translate into the image of bold lines. Then we are left with the question....how many if's need to be granted fulfilment for you to get on with it and write your history....are these IFs inclusive or exclusive? We do not know. Help needed here, please.
if a single pinhole revealed
my life as a constant slope toward
or angle away from
that moment…
if, with a little pressure,
the rich color would seep out in bold lines,
I would write my history.

But there are no straight lines, ...and now it is hard to imagine how you can get a jagged point without a straight line. I could understand:
"(But?) there are no straight lines,
there are no jagged points.
My history is a waxy, childish smear
in calico brown". The "but" is redundant and at the same time pre-emptive of nothing that has gone on before...no one said that there was a possibility of straight lines.
the points are jagged
and my history is a waxy childish smear
in calico brown.

Overall this is a bit of burst-verse. The kind of encapsulated thinking that we all get now and then. You were wise but brave to post it in this form, on this site, in this forum. The piece needs a good coat of looking at....matt finish rather than high gloss. It doesn't need much to get it to sing, thematically at least. It does NEED a title; but wait until it is finished with. If you MUST name it, call it " Still Life Portrait"
Best,
tectak[/b]

[penguin]

Hello Alden. I liked the language, the way it flowed, without quite knowing what you're on about - in the 2nd verse anyhow.
This would make more sense, I think

Alas,
History is the work of graceless hands:
A blunted, crude utensil
still beyond our faculty;
a waxy childish smudge
in calico brown.

[Philatone]

Hey Alden! welcome to the boards


some thoughts for you on v2 (haven't looked at the 1st)

v2:

memory formed a keen apex;..."keen apex" or "a single pinhole" would be enough for me, rather than both
a single pinhole revealing
life as a constant slope toward
- or trajectory from - a moment. ...i felt like something more specific than "a moment" was coming. strikes me as more general than it has to be. interesting idea
With faint pressure,
the rich color would bleed
into firm, artful strokes. ..got a bit lost in these 3 lines. wasn't sure where this color was coming from; with the "pinhole", i'm thinking of a prick and blood ("bleed" also helps in that regard), as though it's a painful memory of sorts

Alas, ...debated about this word and how necessary it is
A blunted, crude utensil
Yet still beyond our faculty...missing period? or comma (especially if "alas" is removed
History is the work of graceless hands:
a waxy childish smudge ...this "waxy" is interesting because i'm having trouble seeing why it's here. the "wax" acoustic didn't really mesh with the rest of the lines in the stanza. "childish smudge" i like much more and has a smoother flow for me.
in calico brown.


Original
If my memory formed a keen apex,
if a single pinhole revealed
my life as a constant slope toward
or angle away from
that moment…
if, with a little pressure,
the rich color would seep out in bold lines,
I would write my history.

But there are no straight lines,
the points are jagged
and my history is a waxy childish smear
in calico brown.

a solid read; i hope some of this is helpful

[billy]

i like the changes in the edit.

the 2nd stanza is a lot cleaner with more depth and the whole piece in general has a much tighter feel.
the last 3 lines of the poem tie the piece up with a good image. history can only ever be...a smear

good edit Alden