What God Looks Like

[a vermits]

someone carved
Jack and Jill forever
on the table you eat breakfast
morning after morning

and if you just
run your hands over the
indent

you’ll notice symmetry
you’ll realize
both J’s possess equal
depth

and you’ll think-
such a pretty morning
ruined by all this pollen

pollen in the crevices
filling trenches like
sad soldiers
exposed by a tendency
to huddle in fear

beautiful creation both
warm and allergic

and you’ll miss the point:
and grow angry nothing fits
that everything must be eyed out
that educated guess is your only recourse

not noticing the comfortable angles
left by his hand

an admirably steady hand

for a vandal

[Philatone]

hey vermits


some thoughts I had while reading this (I do encourage you to leave the same for other poems on the site, in whatever forum you prefer)

someone carved
Jack and Jill forever ...wasn't sure if it was just the names that were carved or also the "forever"
on the table you eat breakfast ...need a "where" before "you"?
morning after morning

and if you just
run your hands over the
indent

you’ll notice symmetry
you’ll realize
both J’s possess equal
depth...great idea, but the execution strikes me as a little more direct than it has to be. perhaps a line about a hand running through the grooves and making this discovery would be a bit more engaging(just an example)

and you’ll think-
such a pretty morning
ruined by the all this pollen...pollen? from where? it catches the reader off-guard

pollen in the crevices
filling trenches like
sad soldiers
exposed by a tendency
to huddle in fear ....again, these images lack a basis in what preceded them. it's a surprise, but not one I found pleasing

beautiful creation both
warm and allergic...is creation "allergic"?

and you’ll miss the point:
and grow angry nothing fits
that everything must be eyed out
that educated guess is your only recourse...i get the idea of this stanza, but was not satisfied with the last 3 lines

not noticing the comfortable angles
left by his hand

an admirably steady hand

for a vandal...could be joined with the line above it if desired. strong close for me

i'm guessing this table is outside, but with the opening (especially the breakfast bit), i first thought the poem was inside. i guess names carved on a table should be enough of a clue as to outside, but I think another clue or two would be helpful

the writing shines in spots and but troubled me in a few others, but if they work for you I understand. I hope to see your thoughts on other pieces as well in the future; it appears you have a lot to offer!

[Erthona]

Ah, once again into the breach!

"pollen in the crevices
filling trenches like
sad soldiers
exposed by a tendency
to huddle in fear"

Why is pollen like sad soldiers? I understand that congregating at the bottom makes it stand out. Do you mean sad as in pathetic?

filling trenches like
pathetic soldiers
exposed by a tendency
to huddle in fear"
----------------------------------------------
Not wild about the word "vandal" because it carries the connotation of theft, but the only other thing I can think of is " defacer" and that doesn't do much for me. It seems like there should be a word like "vandalizer" which say you do this, but not necessarily you are this.

Overall I like this one. I'm going with God as vandal, but it could also go the other way I think, but I like the idea of using how humans get so upset about how things should be, so that's how I'm going to go with it.

Dale

[arbil_poieo]

The soldier metaphor I didn't understand and there isn't a real connection between that and the lines before.

The line "both J's possess equal depth"-- in my opinion not the best line, there isn't substance to it like the other great lines because "equal depth" has been used soo much

7th stanza kinda threw me off a little, I don't think the word choice was right but that's just my opinion I would of liked more of just "something" since it became the point of your poem

This is an intriguing poem from start to finish, I just wish there were more clear ideas that connect to one another

I do like the link between something being "carved" to a vandal"... really clever

There is a lot to like, I particularly was kinda wow by the last 4 lines because of the words like "comfortable angles" and "admirably steady hands" I like those little details it makes something that is simple kinda eloquent.

I hope I wasn't coming off rude or mean they're just my opinions and what you do with it is up to you.

[billy]

someone carved
Jack and Jill forever
on the table you eat breakfast this is really ambiguous, if it's not a syntax problem, you need to use grammar if not it needs rewording.
morning after morning

and if you just
run your hands over the
indent

you’ll notice symmetry
you’ll realize
both J’s possess equal
depth

and you’ll think-
such a pretty morning
ruined by all this pollen

pollen in the crevices
filling trenches like
sad soldiers
exposed by a tendency
to huddle in fear

beautiful creation both
warm and allergic

and you’ll miss the point:
and grow angry nothing fits
that everything must be eyed out
that educated guess is your only recourse

not noticing the comfortable angles
left by his hand

an admirably steady hand

for a vandal

nice train of thought, though i never saw God in it. that said. i'm not sure i wanted or needed to. i really liked the piece, would enjoy it all the more if the 1st verse were less of a problem to sort out.

thanks for the read.