Horace

[a vermits]

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Was what I saw
sitting in encounter

you in Tampa
between bird cries: wheels of
broken big wheels – hair silly
string and sad string?

Was what I saw
sitting in Kenosha.
north bound children
with no hope for encounter?

Through milk dishes, fishing line
and generous summer storms

Tampa rains over
trash: space we generously called
a garden.

while passive driveways are plowed in Kenosha

and strange American boys sweat
American

their fathers sift the sea for women

and “good sea women”
for drinks

[Erthona]

This seems evocative and hints at some poignant images, but I am having difficulty getting past

"Was what I saw
sitting in encounter"

That really makes no sense to me.

Dale

[Philatone]

hey vermits! welcome to the site. some thoughts

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Was what I saw
sitting in encounter ...i get the desire for effect from the beginning, but a subject for the verb would be helpful, at least for me

you in Tampa
between bird cries: wheels of
broken big wheels – hair silly...i like the "broken big wheels". missing comma after hair?
string and sad string?...this made me question, at first, if the everything to this point was a question; but then, I would expect the first stanza to read "Were you what I saw/ sitting..."

Was what I saw
sitting in Kenosha.
north bound children
with no hope for encounter?...this concept of "encounter" is interesting. the first almost turns it into a play on "counter" and a "place". here, it becomes an object of sorts

Through milk dishes, fishing line
and generous summer storms

Tampa rains over
trash: space we generously called ...i think the adverb works well here, mostly because of its reappearance. "trash" could have been a bit more specific
a garden.

while passive driveways are plowed in Kenosha..."passive" didn't sit too well with me, especially with the amount of agency needed to be plowed to begin with. it does happen for a reason. entirely personal. on another note, I like the contrast of images between the stanzas. "broken big wheels" and "passive driveways" go well together in the piece

and strange American boys sweat
American

their father’s sift the sea for women...need the apostrophe?

and “good sea women” ...not sure how I feel about the quotations
for drinks

my comments were guided by my style more than anything, so if they don't suit you, I understand. I liked where you took me, but it struck me as being slightly more cryptic than it had to be. A lot of the language choices made things a bit muddled

[billy]

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Was what I saw
sitting in encounter the only thing i can take this to mean is an encounter group, but even then it a too ambiguous opening and stops the reader in his tracks almost.

you in Tampa
between bird cries: wheels of
broken big wheels – hair silly
string and sad string?

Was what I saw
sitting in Kenosha.
north bound children
with no hope for encounter?

Through milk dishes, fishing line
and generous summer storms

Tampa rains over
trash: space we generously called
a garden. this would make a great senryu all on it's own

while passive driveways are plowed in Kenosha i'm guessing plowed is the american spelling?

and strange American boys sweat
American

their father’s sift the sea for women

and “good sea women”
for drinks

some great lines and images but i'm at a loss to tie the title to the poem.
i wondered if Horace was a person or place and couldn't decide. i get a feel of communication about the piece but again i can't quite grasp it. i'm clutching at straws i know but that's all i can bring to the encounter

thanks for the read.

[addy]

Beautiful imagery. I like how they thread together in a non-linear, lateral way.

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Was what I saw
sitting in encounter There may be something wrong with the grammar of this couplet

you in Tampa
between bird cries: wheels of
broken big wheels – hair silly
string and sad string? Maybe just "silly string and sad" ? Dunno, just imo

Was what I saw
sitting in Kenosha.
north bound children
with no hope for encounter? Again, the grammar reads as a little stilted (though it does give the piece an interesting vibe)

Through milk dishes, fishing line
and generous summer storms

Tampa rains over
trash: space we generously called
a garden. "space we generously called a garden"...One of my favorites in this poem

while passive driveways are plowed in Kenosha

and strange American boys sweat
American

their father’s sift the sea for women Fascinating image

and “good sea women”
for drinks