daylight

[Philatone]

v. 4 thanks to ray and billy
changes to the final half of the piece




The husk of Sunday morning comes
with ripened hours of daylight
to pluck and press. Our shadows run
down wooden stairs like broken kites
in leaden air, and break into

the unlocked car. The doors are closed,
the motor starts, and we are soothed
by avenues of twilit road
as sun matures to tarnished wine,

baptizing us in drops of gold.
We drink the day only to find
our harvest ends with tempered coals

of afternoon shipped off to dusk
as sunshine burns

the sky to rust.





v. 3

thanks to todd and ray (with support from addy!)



The husk of Sunday morning comes
with ripened hours of daylight
to pluck and press. Our shadows run
down wooden stairs like broken kites
in leaden air, and break into

the unlocked car. The doors are closed,
the motor starts, and we are soothed
by avenues of twilit road
as sun matures to tarnished wine,

baptizing us in drops of gold.
We drink the day, but cannot find
a way to lift a waning hold

on treasure set to burn by dusk
as sunshine leaves

the sky to rust.






V. 2 (thanks to billy and todd)

The husk of Sunday morning comes
with ripened hours of daylight
to pluck and press. Our shadows run
down wooden stairs like broken kites
in leaden air, and break into

the unlocked car. The doors are closed,
the key is turned, and we are soothed
by miles passed and passing road
as sun ages to tarnished wine,

baptizing us in drops of gold.
We drink the day, but cannot find
a way to reinforce our hold

on treasure, set to burn by dusk
as sunshine leaves

the sky to rust.




V. 1

The cusp of Sunday morning comes
with slipping hours of daylight
to spend together. Shadows run
away from bed and down the flight
of stairs, outside the house; refuse

to stop until the car. We close
the door, we turn the key, are soothed
by miles passed and passing road
as sun ages to tarnished wine,

ensnaring us in drops of gold.
We closed the door, but cannot find
a way to reinforce our hold

on treasure, set to burn by dusk
as sunshine leaves

the sky to rust.

[Todd]

Hi Geoff,

Well, I love the rhyme throughout, and you have some really cool phrasing (the poem sounds good). A couple things to point out:

L1: If you are going to title it Sunday does the word here add anything?
L2: Stronger image to ground this perhaps. The phrasing isn't bad but I think you could come up with something better.
L4: I hesitate to suggest things that mess up your rhyme but here goes: I think inverting the line "down the flight and away from bed" would be more interesting. You'd have to deal with the rhyme of course.
L6: The line feels a bit awkward to me between ...the car. We close (could just be me).
L9: Pretty line
L10: Ensnaring doesn't seem like the right word to go with the L9 imagery. Some kind of marking, covering, etc...ensnare just seems not quite right.
L13-15: Really nice. I love the final two lines. Solid ending

Well, I hope some of that was useful. Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

The cusp of Sunday morning comes at first i really liked this line and then i thought about cusp. it usually means at the point, the cusp of morning would be where dark meets light. or 12 pm if we talk about actuality. the evening or afternoon cusp would be the other point of night/dark meeting day
with slipping hours of daylight it's this line that confuses me in relation to cusp
to spend together. Shadows run
away from bed and down the flight
of stairs, outside the house; refuse

to stop until the car. We close
the door, we turn the key, are soothed
by miles passed and passing road
as sun ages to tarnished wine, nice line

ensnaring us in drops of gold.
We closed the door, but cannot find
a way to reinforce our hold

on treasure, set to burn by dusk another good image
as sunshine leaves

the sky to rust.

the rhymes are good, barely noticed but the content

L 6, and 7, verge on gobbledygook, it could be sorted with some better enjambment, the latter portion too. i see little that makes it sunday. it does read very well in places and on first take, is solid, it's only when i look at it objectively it tends to fall apart a little.

thanks for the read.

[Philatone]

todd

thanks! raised a number of good points that I hope my edit addresses (though it probably brings other cans of worms)


billy
you caught me right before an edit! I think i address some of the issues you found, especially with the opening.


title will be changed

[addy]

I already love the flow in this, and your turns of phrase are gorgeous. Again it's like we're left observing something huge and possibly wrathful through a delicate microcosm (the running, the countdown, the oppressive but sinking light , the protagonists characterized as "shadows"). I'm not sure if I'm getting it at all, but the hints are tantalizing

[Todd]

Geoff,

I think the revision flows very well. I like what you did. One nit: Can you find a better replacement for reinforce? It works but for some reason seems a bit out of place to me. It could be just me though, and either way the poem is strong.

Best,

Todd

[penguin]

Hello Geoff.
I liked this very much, has a great rhythm, mostly.
I felt that the 2nd line should have something after daylight - maybe "hung"?
I'd suggest - the door is closed, the motor starts - for the loose rhyme with car.
These lines are the weakest, I think.

by miles passed and passing road
as sun ages to tarnished wine,

passed and passing are a bit dull and I'd prefer "sun matures".
On the other hand I thought the last 5 lines were terrific, though I don't think you need a comma after treasure.

Best Wishes, Ray

[Philatone]

addy

thanks for the time and thoughts, and the words as well! they were incredibly positive

todd

thanks for the return! i'm working on the reinforce (i'll admit it was a word i wasn't fond of either there). I think "waning" and "lift" give a more natural edge to the scene, though perhaps those choices still aren't best?

ray

thanks for the critique! i'm hesitant to add something after "daylight" to break from the meter, but i'll take a look to see if i can justify it. thanks for the motor; agree that its sound is fitting. also tried to adress your comments on the miles part as well as the mature (and that last comma towards the end). helpful feedback all around; it's much appreciated

[billy]

v. 3

thanks to todd and ray (with support from addy!)



The husk of Sunday morning comes
with ripened hours of daylight
to pluck and press. Our shadows run takes some working out, but a good solid line.
down wooden stairs like broken kites
in leaden air, and break into it the line break feels a little forced

the unlocked car. The doors are closed,
the motor starts, and we are soothed
by avenues of twilit road
as sun matures to tarnished wine, this is an improvement.

baptizing us in drops of gold.
We drink the day, but cannot find
a way to lift a waning hold hold feels forced, if you did the 1st line as;
baptizing us in drops so bold.
the 3rd could be something like;
a way to lift the waning gold just an idea for you to mull on

on treasure set to burn by dusk
as sunshine leaves

the sky to rust.

i do like the extended wine metaphor and i'd say it's almost there.

[penguin]

Hello Geoff. I couldn't understand your comment about breaking the metre in line 2. It looked already broken to me. I finally realised you're counting "hours" as 2 syllables. That's fair enough, though I wouldn't do it myself! The line seems to end abruptly for me.

The husk of Sunday morning comes
with ripened hours of daylight
to pluck and press. Our shadows run
down wooden stairs like broken kites
in leaden air, and break into

I like "soothed by avenues".

Ray

[Philatone]

billy
-for now, i'm keeping the break as is on "into" to maintain the wordplay (to, two). will think about changing. hope to have addressed the "hold" bit. thanks for the help as always

penguin
- basing off of how I've been reading the piece (so my bias is strong), "hour" just comes out of me in two syllables, especially when read aloud. I know i can't account for everyone and for all situations when using this little devil of a word. for now i may keep as is, though you have helped me to see the line in a new respect. thanks for the time