Still a tear fall

[way2epic4me]

A single tear falls through the ages of time and dust
Still it falls
Deep into the spiralling abyss
The eye it fell from
Long has returned to dust
The woman who shed this tear
Once sat in her doorway
Wishing, hoping, fearing
For a truth that should neither be revealed or hidden
But it was
The car pulled slowly up the street
Its paint, black with the dread it held
The door opened, lined with red cloth
The man slowly stepped forward
His chest decorated with the blood of men
Everything blurred, everything but that man and the car
She could hear nothing, but her heart and breath
That wish was not granted
That hope had faded
That fear
That fear was standing in front of her
A tear falls from her eye
Still it falls
And still it will fall
Into the spiralling abyss
Until it finds the man
It fell for


Thanks

[ksinll]

Overall the poem is touching and captures the moment. It has a lot of understated emotion but is not overwrought or overdone. I like POV, it creates a nice balance when dealing with an intense subject.

The best part is when you describe the car coming down the street.

I think you could be a little more inventive with the imagery and it might be nice to start with the particulars and then branch out to the universal. "A single tear falls through the ages of time and dust" seems like starting with the conclusion, it might be a more effective line if it came later.

[addy]

Interesting piece. It's a sad love story, but written and veiled in a way that makes it read as rather eerie (abyss, red plus "blood of men", focus on the car as a grim reaper figure). I'd have assumed that the woman went mad from despair because of the tone (because of the "spiralling" abyss line), though you clearly state she's already dead so all that's moot.

I'll stick to mild comments for this. In general, i think this could be edited for, say, line breaks. For me there needs to be meat in each line, whereas in this piece there are a few lines that don't work too well as stand alones imo. You could spruce it up with a bit more imagery

A single tear falls through the ages of time and dust this parts a little cliche
Still it falls
Deep into the spiralling abyss
The eye it fell from
Long has returned to dust "Has long", I think. So far, I think the linearity of the idea could be phrased more clearly? What you want to say is more like 'the tear falls long after the eye it fell from has returned to dust.'
The woman who shed this tear
Once sat in her doorway
Wishing, hoping, fearing wishing and hoping put together is kind of cliche
For a truth that should neither be revealed or hidden
But it was "but was" works fine. Should there be a full stop here? Also, i feel there was a whole lot of 'telling' in these past four lines, maybe needs more imagery
The car pulled slowly up the street
Its paint, black with the dread it held
The door opened, lined with red cloth
The man slowly stepped forward repeat of "slowly". try to find a nw adjective
His chest decorated with the blood of men nice image for medals (i'm assuming? don't know if my assumption is correct)
Everything blurred, everything but that man and the car
She could hear nothing, but her heart and breath
That wish was not granted
That hope had faded
That fear I understand that this ties in with your earlier line about wish hope and fear, but these lines aren't really giving me anything, their vagueness diffusing the drama rather than ratcheting it up
That fear was standing in front of her
A tear falls from her eye
Still it falls
And still it will fall
Into the spiralling abyss
Until it finds the man
It fell for There's good potential in this ending. Maybe not "find", since a teardrop does not exactly seek, but definitely something to do with reaching him or touching him or something.


Thanks

[billy]

remember guys, this is mild feedback, just a couple of pieces of constructive in the poems body then a general chat about the poem down below.

---

A single tear falls through the ages of time and dust one of a few cliche in the poem that need reworking
Still it falls
Deep into the spiralling abyss
The eye it fell from
Long has returned to dust has long....
The woman who shed this tear
Once sat in her doorway
Wishing, hoping, fearing
For a truth that should neither be revealed or hidden
But it was
The car pulled slowly up the street
Its paint, black with the dread it held
The door opened, lined with red cloth
The man slowly stepped forward
His chest decorated with the blood of men this is my favourite line, and the image is a clear one
Everything blurred, everything but that man and the car
She could hear nothing, but her heart and breath
That wish was not granted
That hope had faded
That fear
That fear was standing in front of her
A tear falls from her eye
Still it falls
And still it will fall
Into the spiralling abyss
Until it finds the man
It fell for


Thanks

hi w2e4m (that's a mouthfull in one nic

while the poem had a good emotional feel about it i thought it needed more imagery (like the 'His chest decorated with the blood of men' line you used metaphor to great effect. the image of the medals representing the blood of his fallen soldiers made it very personal to the reader. (me) in that line i saw an officer bring sad news about a fallen soldier.
words like truth can be nasty buggers in that they don't really show or carry much in the way of an image. what kind of truth, what kind of hope. what kind of fear was 'that fear' i think the poem has some good potential but it needs some good images in it to replace some of the cliche and intangible words like wishing hoping fearing etc.

most of all
thanks for the read

[way2epic4me]

haha, my username too wordy for you?
you can just call me Jacob if you want.
by the way, i haven't really thanked you for all the feedback, so thanks.

[addy]

Oop. Again, sorry for overcritiquing

Short version: The imagery you already have is pretty great, use some more in other lines

[billy]

haha, my username too wordy for you?
you can just call me Jacob if you want.
by the way, i haven't really thanked you for all the feedback, so thanks.

thanks for the name jacob

[heslopian]

A single tear falls through the ages of time and dust
Still it falls
Deep into the spiralling abyss
The eye it fell from
Long has returned to dust
The woman who shed this tear
Once sat in her doorway
Wishing, hoping, fearing
For a truth that should neither be revealed or hidden
But it was Was what? Revealed or hidden?
The car pulled slowly up the street
Its paint, black with the dread it held I don't think you need this or the following commas.
The door opened, lined with red cloth
The man slowly stepped forward
His chest decorated with the blood of men
Everything blurred, everything but that man and the car
She could hear nothing, but her heart and breath
That wish was not granted
That hope had faded
That fear
That fear was standing in front of her
A tear falls from her eye
Still it falls
And still it will fall
Into the spiralling abyss
Until it finds the man
It fell for


Thanks Is this part of the poem?

I really like the concept of this poem. It's an elegantly executed story with gentle metaphors and images. Critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.

[way2epic4me]

oh no, the thanks is to you guys. its not part of the poem.

[billy]

i think we figured that one out