The Missing Game

[Indie]

V:2
You're chasing ghosts
in this missing game
don't look down
no, don't look down

Stay a while and maybe we'll forget
all these things we've learned to hate
before I leave you standing
at the edge of lonely hearted-ness
staring up and away from the abyss
of things that cannot be

'Cause I don't miss you like a lover should
and I'm no longer making love to ghosts
under these nostalgic, bruised skies
that spell out our names
in a broken you-me tragedy

So don't look down
no, don't look down
at the dusty bones of me
that always break your ribs open
just stay a while and maybe we'll forget
all these things we've learned to hate
while chasing dreams that were never
meant to be


V:1
You're chasing ghosts
in this missing game
don't look down
no, don't look down

Stay a while and maybe we'll forget
all these things we've learned to hate
before I leave you standing
at the edge of lonely hearted-ness
staring up and away from the abyss
of things that cannot be

'Cause I don't miss you like a lover should
and I'm no longer making love to ghosts
under these nostalgic, bruised skies
that spell out our names
in a broken you-me tragedy

So don't look down
no, don't look down
at the dusty bones of me
that always break your ribs open
just stay a while and maybe we'll forget
all these things we've learned to hate
while chasing dreams that were never
meant to be

And we'll play this missing game
one more time
with broken chest cavities
and topless bottles
under a dying nostalgic sky

[Indie]

self edit up^

[addy]

this one reads like a song to me . Here's a few of my thoughts

V:2
You're chasing ghosts
in this missing game
don't look down
no, don't look down This first stanza doesn't really have a clear thing I can grab on to as a reader, the context a bit too mysterious to serve as an effective introduction. (what's a missing game? don't look down at what? why is the object "up" in the first place?) That's just my take

Stay a while and maybe we'll forget
all these things we've learned to hate
before I leave you standing "standing" doesn't add much... "leave you at the edge..." does the job fine
at the edge of lonely hearted-ness
staring up and away from the abyss
of things that cannot be

'Cause I don't miss you like a lover should
and I'm no longer making love to ghosts
under these nostalgic, bruised skies
that spell out our names
in a broken you-me tragedy I love the line "bruised skies that spell out our names". Imo you don't need "broken you me tragedy"

So don't look down
no, don't look down
at the dusty bones of me
that always break your ribs open
just I think filler words like "just", you can do away with stay a while and maybe we'll forget
all these things we've learned to hate
while chasing dreams that were never
meant to be

[billy]

V:2
You're chasing ghosts I think this would work better as the 2nd stanza as a sort of chorus.
in this missing game
don't look down
no, don't look down

Stay a while and maybe we'll forget
all these things we've learned to hate
before I leave you standing
at the edge of lonely hearted-ness it feels like you're attempting to by pas a cliche it doesn't really work that well
staring up and away from the abyss
of things that cannot be

'Cause I don't miss you like a lover should the words of jerry lee lewis though his line was, let me love you like a lover should
and I'm no longer making love to ghosts
under these nostalgic, bruised skies
that spell out our names
in a broken you-me tragedy

So don't look down
no, don't look down
at the dusty bones of me
that always break your ribs open
just stay a while and maybe we'll forget
all these things we've learned to hate
while chasing dreams that were never
meant to be


V:1
You're chasing ghosts
in this missing game
don't look down
no, don't look down

Stay a while and maybe we'll forget
all these things we've learned to hate
before I leave you standing
at the edge of lonely hearted-ness
staring up and away from the abyss
of things that cannot be

'Cause I don't miss you like a lover should
and I'm no longer making love to ghosts
under these nostalgic, bruised skies
that spell out our names
in a broken you-me tragedy

So don't look down
no, don't look down
at the dusty bones of me
that always break your ribs open
just stay a while and maybe we'll forget
all these things we've learned to hate
while chasing dreams that were never
meant to be

And we'll play this missing game
one more time
with broken chest cavities
and topless bottles
under a dying nostalgic sky

nostalgic, nostalgic; makes it actually feel too nostalgic. would improve loads if you made it less wordy, you have some redundant words that wouldn't be missed. 'these things' and swap cliche where ever you can for original. .

the poem itself reminds me of robbie william's angels song, though i'm not sure why

thanks for the read

[Indie]

Thanks Billy and Addy

[Philatone]

hello Indie!

a light line-by

V:2
You're chasing ghosts
in this missing game
don't look down
no, don't look down ...I like the ideas (chasing ghosts, missing game), so I guess as an intro they work well enough, although I'm wondering what I'm grabbing at

Stay a while and maybe we'll forget
all these things we've learned to hate
before I leave you standing
at the edge of lonely hearted-ness
staring up and away from the abyss
of things that cannot be ...i couldn't find a single word to latch onto. i'm sensing a close of a relationship. specifics on things (what have you learned to hate; what cannot be undone? details can be your best friend)

'Cause I don't miss you like a lover should ...this is a line that is easy to pass over but really needs some attention because it's meaning is not entirely clear. I don't know how the speaker assumes a lover should miss someone. Explaining things like this is crucial for depth
and I'm no longer making love to ghosts
under these nostalgic, bruised skies
that spell out our names ..i'm seeing clouds, or even photographs/ memories
in a broken you-me tragedy

So don't look down ...this "so", which leads to a summary of sorts, reminds me of your "mother dearest"
no, don't look down
at the dusty bones of me
that always break your ribs open ...wasn't entirely sure how i was supposed to feel after this
just stay a while and maybe we'll forget
all these things we've learned to hate
while chasing dreams that were never
meant to be

i like what is happening, but it needs some meat

[Indie]

Thanks Philatone. I should have an edit up in the next couple of days