I would talk to you of beauty

[tectak]

I Would Talk to You of Beauty Edit 1.Thanks to erthona. Billyill follow

I would talk to you of beauty;
no more to spew out bile and spite.
What glory to my eye, green fields,
all starry topped in yellow trim.
And  there, the poppy, clustered red:
remember him, remember him.

I would talk to you of beauty;
not of the choking  guilty men.
But of the joy of  a high  grown tree,
all lichen hosed with glossy  crown!
Though scarred the  bark, and worn the bough,
where ropes of justice once hung down.

I would talk to you of beauty,
of  seas aglow  with  nuclear blue.
Foamed irridescence,  hyaline  white,
comes fast and fluid to the shore,
to sink in sands of  shingle bright,
that buries deep the stains of war.

I would talk to you of beauty,
of peaks thrust though the azure  air.
Still frosted in the summer light,
ablaze when days fall in their shade.
Steep granite  pecked by puny pitons;
failed fixes by the  fallen  made.

I would talk to you of beauty;
that  truth which everywhere  is seen. 
The lifting light of mornings new,
the gentle bidding of each night.
When dreams will show you all of beauty....
whilst words, though chosen, only might..

  Tectak 2011


Originally published and pre-mauled in another place but edited further.
S1 Poppy fields of Flanders
S2 Lillooets hanging tree
S3 Dunkirk landing
S4 K2. The deadliest Mountain

Written in thoughts of a sign in a beautiful part of a Polish forest declaring that here was a site of a mass execution. There are many such examples of surface beauty hiding ugly pasts.

[Erthona]

I have seen and commented on this before.

It can be read as lines of 7-8-4-4, or 3-4-4-4-4-4

However, to me the lineation as is seems awkward, and there appears no profit from this awkwardness that I can perceive. I can see no rationale for these two long lines hanging out over two shorter lines, especially as the longer lines are obviously composed of two shorter lines. So to me this seems like a stylistically odd choice, but of course it is yours to commit. Another problematic area is, that although it is basically in accentual verse, the reader still expects a certain regularity. That is to say after your eponymous refrain "I would talk to you of beauty" which is followed the first time by iambs, one does not expect the next time to be trochee. To expect the reader to read the first syllable as a soft accent one time, but then a hard accent the next is begging for a disruption that causes at least a temporary pause.

Regardless, for me this play on what I call the "Question Refrain", is not really a form I enjoy. For despite any profundities it might contain between the refrains, it seems my mind skims over this in anticipation of another hammering of the refrain. Not unlike a dog being trained by electric shocks.

The rhyme is at least more supportive of the form, in fact it sits in in nearly an unconscious level. There is nothing disruptive nor outstanding about it.

As I've already commented on this poem at an earlier time, I think this is sufficient for now.


Dale

[Philatone]

hello tec

I would have preferred not to have read the explanation, to be honest. that being said, my thoughts on the actual piece.

I Would Talk to You of Beauty

I would talk to you of beauty; no more to spew out bile and spite. ...took this as either the speaker deciding to stop "spewing out bile and spite" or as beauty stopping it. I think a comma would suggest the second more than a semi-colon
What glory to my eye, green fields, all starry topped in yellow trim.
And  there, the poppy, clustered red:
remember him, remember him....like the sinister quality imparted to the "red"

I would talk to you of beauty; not of the choking  guilty men....could be a comma instead of a period. the meaning is clear, but "choking guilty men" felt a little clunky to me
But of the joy of  a high  grown tree, all lichen hosed with glossy  crown!
Though scarred the  bark, and worn the bough,...second comma needed?
where ropes of justice once hung down.

I would talk to you of beauty, of  seas aglow  with  nuclear blue...."nuclear" didn't strike me as the ideal word here (personal preference)
Foamed irridescence,  hyaline  white, comes fast and fluid to the shore,
to sink in sands of  shingle bright,...when no other line is inverted until now, this stands out more
that buries deep the stains of war.

I would talk to you of beauty, of peaks thrust though the azure  air.
Still frosted in the summer light, ablaze when days fall in their shade.
Steep granite  pecked by puny pitons;
failed fixes by the  fallen  made.

I would talk to you of beauty, that  truth which everywhere  is seen. 
The lifting light of mornings new, the gentle bidding of each night.
When dreams will show you all of beauty....
whilst words, though chosen, only might.....strong closing line, compares words to history in a way

  Tectak 2011

overall, I think you show the contrasts between past and present pretty well, tec

[addy]

I really like this piece, questions on form aside. I'm a big fan of the images you used. i found your juxtapositions vivid and highly effective

I Would Talk to You of Beauty

I would talk to you of beauty; no more to spew out bile and spite. agree with Phil that a comma is better, since "bile and spite" is so arresting
What glory to my eye, green fields, all starry topped in yellow trim.
And  there, the poppy, clustered red:
remember him, remember him. like it so far

I would talk to you of beauty; not of the choking  guilty men.
But of the joy of  a high  grown tree, all lichen hosed with glossy  crown!
Though scarred the  bark, and worn the bough,
where ropes of justice once hung down.

I would talk to you of beauty, of  seas aglow  with  nuclear blue.
Foamed irridescence "foamed irridescence" struck me as a bit unwieldy and vague, but that's just personal taste,  hyaline  white, comes fast and fluid to the shore,
to sink in sands of  shingle bright,
that buries deep the stains of war.

I would talk to you of beauty, of peaks thrust though the azure  air.
Still frosted in the summer light, ablaze when days fall in their shade.
Steep granite  pecked by puny pitons;
failed fixes by the  fallen  made.

I would talk to you of beauty, that  truth which everywhere  is seen.  I like the sentiment, but maybe this line could stand to be stronger
The lifting light of mornings new, the gentle bidding of each night.
When dreams will show you all of beauty....
whilst words, though chosen, only might.. Beautiful. Don't think you even need to get fancy with the punctuation

  Tectak 2011


Originally published and pre-mauled in another place but edited further.
S1 Poppy fields of Flanders
S2 Lillooets hanging tree
S3 Dunkirk landing
S4 K2. The deadliest Mountain

Written in thoughts of a sign in a beautiful part of a Polish forest declaring that here was a site of a mass execution. There are many such examples of surface beauty hiding ugly pasts.

[billy]

I Would Talk to You of Beauty from here on it has to be really good

I would talk to you of beauty; no more to spew out bile and spite.
What glory to my eye, green fields, all starry topped in yellow trim.
And  there, the poppy, clustered red:
remember him, remember him. green fields made me think of a song called "the green fields of france" so far so good as far as beauty goes

I would talk to you of beauty; not of the choking  guilty men.
But of the joy of  a high  grown tree, all lichen hosed with glossy  crown!
Though scarred the  bark, and worn the bough,
where ropes of justice once hung down. sounds poignant with a different kind of beauty

I would talk to you of beauty, of  seas aglow  with  nuclear blue. nuclear doesn't work with a beach invasion unless it's in japan this one presumably is the french coastline.
Foamed irridescence,  hyaline  white, comes fast and fluid to the shore,
to sink in sands of  shingle bright,
that buries deep the stains of war.

I would talk to you of beauty, of peaks thrust though the azure  air.
Still frosted in the summer light, ablaze when days fall in their shade.
Steep granite  pecked by puny pitons; feels like one 'P' too many
failed fixes by the  fallen  made.

I would talk to you of beauty, that  truth which everywhere  is seen. 
The lifting light of mornings new, the gentle bidding of each night.
When dreams will show you all of beauty....
whilst words, though chosen, only might.. the 1st two lines of this verse feel weak (a bit wishy washy) the last 2 though they feel weak close off the piece with a poignant strength that works really well.

  Tectak 2011



Originally published and pre-mauled in another place but edited further.
S1 Poppy fields of Flanders
S2 Lillooets hanging tree
S3 Dunkirk landing
S4 K2. The deadliest Mountain

Written in thoughts of a sign in a beautiful part of a Polish forest declaring that here was a site of a mass execution. There are many such examples of surface beauty hiding ugly pasts.

i think the roll of the piece works well,as it travels to places of deadly beauty, love some of the images. though 'the nuclear blue' isn't something that would put me in mind of a beach landing (S3) apart from that i felt a lot of what was going on. (as much as possible while sat in my chair) the poppy has a certain connotation of war for me. i got all but K2 without the footnote. so i question if the footnote is necessary?
the refrain worked reall even though it contained bueaty
thanks for the read

[tectak]

I Would Talk to You of Beauty Edit 1.Thanks to erthona. Billy will follow

I would talk to you of beauty;
no more to spew out bile and spite.
What glory to my eye, green fields,
all starry topped in yellow trim.
And there, the poppy, clustered red:
remember him, remember him.

I would talk to you of beauty;
not of the choking guilty men.
But of the joy of a high grown tree,
all lichen hosed with glossy crown!
Though scarred the bark, and worn the bough,
where ropes of justice once hung down.

I would talk to you of beauty,
of seas aglow with nuclear blue.
Foamed irridescence, hyaline white,
comes fast and fluid to the shore,
to sink in sands of shingle bright,
that buries deep the stains of war.

I would talk to you of beauty,
of peaks thrust though the azure air.
Still frosted in the summer light,
ablaze when days fall in their shade.
Steep granite pecked by puny pitons;
failed fixes by the fallen made.

I would talk to you of beauty;
that truth which everywhere is seen.
The lifting light of mornings new,
the gentle bidding of each night.
When dreams will show you all of beauty....
whilst words, though chosen, only might..

Tectak 2011

---

I Would Talk to You of Beauty from here on it has to be really good

I would talk to you of beauty; no more to spew out bile and spite.
What glory to my eye, green fields, all starry topped in yellow trim.
And  there, the poppy, clustered red:
remember him, remember him. green fields made me think of a song called "the green fields of france" so far so good as far as beauty goes

I would talk to you of beauty; not of the choking  guilty men.
But of the joy of  a high  grown tree, all lichen hosed with glossy  crown!
Though scarred the  bark, and worn the bough,
where ropes of justice once hung down. sounds poignant with a different kind of beauty

I would talk to you of beauty, of  seas aglow  with  nuclear blue. nuclear doesn't work with a beach invasion unless it's in japan this one presumably is the french coastline.
Foamed irridescence,  hyaline  white, comes fast and fluid to the shore,
to sink in sands of  shingle bright,
that buries deep the stains of war.

I would talk to you of beauty, of peaks thrust though the azure  air.
Still frosted in the summer light, ablaze when days fall in their shade.
Steep granite  pecked by puny pitons; feels like one 'P' too many
failed fixes by the  fallen  made.

I would talk to you of beauty, that  truth which everywhere  is seen. 
The lifting light of mornings new, the gentle bidding of each night.
When dreams will show you all of beauty....
whilst words, though chosen, only might.. the 1st two lines of this verse feel weak (a bit wishy washy) the last 2 though they feel weak close off the piece with a poignant strength that works really well.

  Tectak 2011



Originally published and pre-mauled in another place but edited further.
S1 Poppy fields of Flanders
S2 Lillooets hanging tree
S3 Dunkirk landing
S4 K2. The deadliest Mountain

Written in thoughts of a sign in a beautiful part of a Polish forest declaring that here was a site of a mass execution. There are many such examples of surface beauty hiding ugly pasts.

i think the roll of the piece works well,as it travels to places of deadly beauty, love some of the images. though 'the nuclear blue' isn't something that would put me in mind of a beach landing (S3) apart from that i felt a lot of what was going on. (as much as possible while sat in my chair) the poppy has a certain connotation of war for me. i got all but K2 without the footnote. so i question if the footnote is necessary?
the refrain worked reall even though it contained bueaty
thanks for the read

Thanks billy. The nuclear word just goes to show how it is possible to choose an adjective fpr it inherent meaning ( the blue glow that one sees in the water of deep tanks of nuclear storage facilities) and have its metaphoroic (accidental) meaning foremost! I will look at it. Thanks. The "peter piper picked a peckiness" of pecking petons may stay but I am wide open to suggestions.
Best,
tectak

---

hello tec

I would have preferred not to have read the explanation, to be honest. that being said, my thoughts on the actual piece.

I Would Talk to You of Beauty

I would talk to you of beauty; no more to spew out bile and spite. ...took this as either the speaker deciding to stop "spewing out bile and spite" or as beauty stopping it. I think a comma would suggest the second more than a semi-colon
What glory to my eye, green fields, all starry topped in yellow trim.
And  there, the poppy, clustered red:
remember him, remember him....like the sinister quality imparted to the "red"

I would talk to you of beauty; not of the choking  guilty men....could be a comma instead of a period. the meaning is clear, but "choking guilty men" felt a little clunky to me
But of the joy of  a high  grown tree, all lichen hosed with glossy  crown!
Though scarred the  bark, and worn the bough,...second comma needed?
where ropes of justice once hung down.

I would talk to you of beauty, of  seas aglow  with  nuclear blue...."nuclear" didn't strike me as the ideal word here (personal preference)
Foamed irridescence,  hyaline  white, comes fast and fluid to the shore,
to sink in sands of  shingle bright,...when no other line is inverted until now, this stands out more
that buries deep the stains of war.

I would talk to you of beauty, of peaks thrust though the azure  air.
Still frosted in the summer light, ablaze when days fall in their shade.
Steep granite  pecked by puny pitons;
failed fixes by the  fallen  made.

I would talk to you of beauty, that  truth which everywhere  is seen. 
The lifting light of mornings new, the gentle bidding of each night.
When dreams will show you all of beauty....
whilst words, though chosen, only might.....strong closing line, compares words to history in a way

  Tectak 2011

overall, I think you show the contrasts between past and present pretty well, tec

Thanks phil,
by modifying the line splits in edit 1 I may have brought your suggestions to the fore. The nuclear bit is causing problems. see billies reply!
Best,
tectak

---

I really like this piece, questions on form aside. I'm a big fan of the images you used. i found your juxtapositions vivid and highly effective

I Would Talk to You of Beauty

I would talk to you of beauty; no more to spew out bile and spite. agree with Phil that a comma is better, since "bile and spite" is so arresting
What glory to my eye, green fields, all starry topped in yellow trim.
And  there, the poppy, clustered red:
remember him, remember him. like it so far

I would talk to you of beauty; not of the choking  guilty men.
But of the joy of  a high  grown tree, all lichen hosed with glossy  crown!
Though scarred the  bark, and worn the bough,
where ropes of justice once hung down.

I would talk to you of beauty, of  seas aglow  with  nuclear blue.
Foamed irridescence "foamed irridescence" struck me as a bit unwieldy and vague, but that's just personal taste,  hyaline  white, comes fast and fluid to the shore,
to sink in sands of  shingle bright,
that buries deep the stains of war.

I would talk to you of beauty, of peaks thrust though the azure  air.
Still frosted in the summer light, ablaze when days fall in their shade.
Steep granite  pecked by puny pitons;
failed fixes by the  fallen  made.

I would talk to you of beauty, that  truth which everywhere  is seen.  I like the sentiment, but maybe this line could stand to be stronger
The lifting light of mornings new, the gentle bidding of each night.
When dreams will show you all of beauty....
whilst words, though chosen, only might.. Beautiful. Don't think you even need to get fancy with the punctuation

  Tectak 2011


Originally published and pre-mauled in another place but edited further.
S1 Poppy fields of Flanders
S2 Lillooets hanging tree
S3 Dunkirk landing
S4 K2. The deadliest Mountain

Written in thoughts of a sign in a beautiful part of a Polish forest declaring that here was a site of a mass execution. There are many such examples of surface beauty hiding ugly pasts.

Thanks addy,
this is still work in progress but I think I am getting closer after some of the crots.
Best,
tectak

[penguin]

Interesting stuff. The opening two lines lead me to expect an ABAB rhyme. Maybe if there were a break between lines 2 and 3?

This would sound more natural to me

I would talk to you of beauty
and no more spew out bile and spite.

I think the 2nd verse would be excellent but for the 3rd line where you've one too many "of" and I'd prefer a semi-colon after crown.

I would talk to you of beauty,
of seas aglow with nuclear blue.
Foamed irridescence, hyaline white,

"nuclear blue" is there such a thing? Anyhow, it disturbs the rhythm a little and the following line throws it overboard.

failed fixes by the fallen made. - the weakest line, it sounds very, very forced to me.

I like what you're saying at the very end. Maybe "whilst words, well-chosen, only might".

Nice poem. I like rhythm and rhyme and I can see the effort that's gone in.

[tectak]

Interesting stuff. The opening two lines lead me to expect an ABAB rhyme. Maybe if there were a break between lines 2 and 3?

This would sound more natural to me

I would talk to you of beauty
and no more spew out bile and spite.

I think the 2nd verse would be excellent but for the 3rd line where you've one too many "of" and I'd prefer a semi-colon after crown.

I would talk to you of beauty,
of seas aglow with nuclear blue.
Foamed irridescence, hyaline white,

"nuclear blue" is there such a thing? Anyhow, it disturbs the rhythm a little and the following line throws it overboard.

failed fixes by the fallen made. - the weakest line, it sounds very, very forced to me.

I like what you're saying at the very end. Maybe "whilst words, well-chosen, only might".

Nice poem. I like rhythm and rhyme and I can see the effort that's gone in.

Thank you , penguin, for all your comments....I may have to agree with you on the "nuclear" thing...I have been forced to disarm by other critics It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yes...you are correct on the surplicity of "of's". I will change in the next edit. "F F by the F made " has been changed twice but like you, I am still unhappy with it. The implication of change means a difficult rewrite of the stanza, which is conceptually a little different, and a little displaced from the other verses. I am attempting, in a light way, to imply that the overall beauty of the mountain hides the signs of deadly doings....falls, no less, but I want to pin the blame on the fallen!
This obviousy needs some work. I will get to it.
Thanks again for a good crit.
Best,
tectak