feedback for my poem?

[way2epic4me]

A shattered mountain stands still
Thunder roars from its peaks
Lit by a wall of lighting
Running down its cliffs
Its crags, holds the bones of thousands
No mere mortal dare scale these walls
Walls of earth and stone
A fortress of rock
A destroyer of men
Unconquerable by mortals
But one dares to defy
He stands there
Gazing up at the peaks
A man
A man who once stood on a cliff
Waiting for the corsairs of fate.
A man, who battled beasts of mind and flesh
A man, scarred by light
Maimed by shadow
Gazing up at the peaks
At the highest peaks
Lies treasures of a thousand desires
Drawing men
Like a moth to an all-consuming flame
He knows
He knows his destiny
He knows why he must scale this testament of death
To find a soul he once lost
In a sea of doubt
Though tide and time, he has searched
The script of his life
Written on his back
Written in the ink of fate
By the hand of destiny itself
He knows his destiny, his fate
But still he searches
A soul, once lost
Lies to rest at the peak
At very top, of this testament to death

now with
"Written in the ink of fate
By the hand of destiny itself
He knows his destiny, his fate"
any idea with what words i can use there instead of destiny for the last line there? i can't think of any that has the same effect.
and if you have an idea for a title that'd be great.
so any feedback if you've got it. thanks.

[Indie]

A shattered mountain stands still
Thunder roars from its peaks
Lit by a wall of lighting
Running down its cliffs this entire section is a contradiction of itself. Also do you mean lightning?

Its crags, holds the bones of thousands
No mere mortal dare scale these walls

Walls of earth and stone
A fortress of rock Unneeded repetition in these two lines

A destroyer of men
Unconquerable by mortals
But one dares to defy
He stands there
Gazing up at the peaks
A man
A man who once stood on a cliff
Waiting for the corsairs of fate.
A man, who battled beasts of mind and flesh
A man, scarred by light
Maimed by shadow
Gazing up at the peaks unneeded repetition of an above line
At the highest peaks
Lies treasures of a thousand desires
Drawing men
Like a moth to an all-consuming flame
He knows
He knows his destiny
He knows why he must scale this testament of death
To find a soul he once lost
In a sea of doubt
Though tide and time, he has searched
The script of his life
Written on his back
Written in the ink of fate
By the hand of destiny itself
He knows his destiny, his fate
But still he searches
A soul, once lost
Lies to rest at the peak
At very top, of this testament to death

now with
"Written in the ink of fate
By the hand of destiny itself
He knows his destiny, his fate"
any idea with what words i can use there instead of destiny for the last line there? i can't think of any that has the same effect.
and if you have an idea for a title that'd be great.
so any feedback if you've got it. thanks.

I know this is mild critique, so I did cut myself off above on the crit, to avoid being too heavy handed. Apologies if I'm over-enthusiastic in my feedback. This poem has potential to be something more but right now it rambles a lot, with many contradictions in the imagery and unneeded repetition of concepts that only need to be told once. Best advice I can offer is break it down and really think about what you want to say to tighten it up.

Hope this helps.
Peace, Indie

[addy]

Another word for destiny... providence, maybe?

Here are a few more thoughts on the poem

A shattered mountain stands still Don't really understand this line... if its shattered, how can it be imposing?
Thunder roars from its peaks
Lit by a wall of lighting
Running down its cliffs
Its crags, comma not necessary holds the bones of thousands
No mere mortal dare scale these walls
Walls of earth and stone
A fortress of rock
A destroyer of men
Unconquerable by mortals feels like just a repetition of earlier "no mere mortal..." line
But one dares to defy
He stands there Not a particularly compelling line imo
Gazing up at the peaks
A man
A man who once stood on a cliff
Waiting for the corsairs of fate.
A man, who battled beasts of mind and flesh
A man, scarred by light Not sure if the repetitions of "man" works that well. Might be just me though
Maimed by shadow "scarred by light / maimed by shadow" are interesting lines
Gazing up at the peaks
At the highest peaks These two lines are rather repetitive
Lies treasures of a thousand desires
Drawing men
Like a moth if it's a simile for "men", then maybe say "moths" to an all-consuming flame
He knows
He knows his destiny
He knows why he must scale this testament of death
To find a soul he once lost
In a sea of doubt
Though tide and time, he has searched
The script of his life
Written on his back
Written in the ink of fate
By the hand of destiny itself
He knows his destiny, his fate
But still he searches
A soul, once lost
Lies to rest at the peak
At very top, of this testament to death It's an intriguing piece, though at a lot of points I fear you tended to resort to vagueness and repetition. It sounded quite mythic... a man, with a great destiny, trying to reclaim his soul from the top of a mountain of death. Why, metaphorically speaking, is his soul there? What do we really know about this faceless hero, or nondescript mountain? It's kind of a broadstrokes story that never quite achieves its own verisimilitude. The imagery you used is very archetypal -- strong, but you as a writer also have to work at embellishing it to give it more substance beyond the archetype. Anyway, hope this gives you a few ideas

[billy]

mild critique

[addy]

Erk... sorry way2epic.

Okay, dialing back the critique, the crux of it is you should cut down on some of the repetition... after a while repeating words make the poem flat rather than dramatic. Try to use it sparsely

[billy]

we have no need to ask for feedback 2epic. here it's a given that you'll usually get some. just try and give some the same back to others

which makes me think the poem needs a title other than feedback for my poem

A shattered mountain stands still still is redundant
Thunder roars from its peaks
Lit by a wall of lighting
Running down its cliffs
Its crags, holds the bones of thousands
No mere mortal dare scale these walls
Walls of earth and stone
A fortress of rock
A destroyer of men
Unconquerable by mortals
But one dares to defy
He stands there
Gazing up at the peaks
A man
A man who once stood on a cliff
Waiting for the corsairs of fate.
A man, who battled beasts of mind and flesh
A man, scarred by light
Maimed by shadow
Gazing up at the peaks
At the highest peaks
Lies treasures of a thousand desires
Drawing men
Like a moth to an all-consuming flame
He knows
He knows his destiny
He knows why he must scale this testament of death
To find a soul he once lost
In a sea of doubt
Though tide and time, he has searched
The script of his life
Written on his back
Written in the ink of fate
By the hand of destiny itself
He knows his destiny, his fate
But still he searches
A soul, once lost
Lies to rest at the peak
At very top, of this testament to death

now with
"Written in the ink of fate
By the hand of destiny itself
He knows his destiny, his fate"
any idea with what words i can use there instead of destiny for the last line there? i can't think of any that has the same effect.
and if you have an idea for a title that'd be great.
so any feedback if you've got it. thanks.

i agree with the others about the repetitive feel in general though sometimes repetition reinforces an idea or thought, that isn't so in this case.
lost soul/souls is is overused doubly so here. same with words like destiny and fate/ink of fate etc. so i'd suggest an edit to make yours, to give it more originality tide and time, a sea of doubt. take them all out and find your own original thoughts and phrases as opposed to ones you've subconsciously remembered. one final thing....who is this man?
instead of using destiny be creative...this isn't a suggestion; it's only an example.

"Written in the ink of we're all screwed
By the hand of Tom Fuckery himself
he knows his arse is thrutching; his cheeks jiggle."