Desert Song ( Of the Camel)

[tectak]

Edit 1. Thanks to billy,erthona, indie


This sand is running in my veins,
dry as the dust which gave me presence;
and yet to you it is but sand.
Look to the rise where the trains of camel appear and vanish in trembling haze,
sun mixed with wind mixed with me.

Listen and you will hear my song,
my father's song and his before him;
Haboob is the breath that rasps the tune.
Sung are the words of Aheed the Prophet, great his name in heavens above,
God mixed with sand mixed with me.

Feel now the warmth within this place,
alive with heat that saves and succours;
but chilled the night to test the soul.
Thrown khaymahs sleep a thousand thinkers, all adrift on a thought-full sea,
thought mixed with dreams mixed with me.

Blue-black and pricked is the still sky above,
yet in lashed eyes, grains fall and leap.
No wind; yet flows the sand to me.
So here I lie, eyes of the desert, abd-sahara and servant of man
Beast mixed with man mixed with me.


tectak
2008

[billy]

i'm going to read it a few times first

[billy]

This sand is running in my veins, dry as the dust which gave me presence; is it dry dust which gives it presence?
and yet to you it is but sand.
Look to the rise where the trains of camel appear and vanish in trembling haze,
sun mixed with wind mixed with me.

Listen and you will hear my song, my father's song and his before him;
Haboob the breath that rasps the tune.
Sung are the words of Allah the Prophet, great his name in heavens above,
God mixed with sand mixed with me.

Feel now the warmth within this place, alive with heat that saves and succours;
but chilled the night to test the soul.
Thrown khaymahs sleep a thousand thinkers, all adrift on a thought-full sea, i like this line a lot, and i like the idea of a thought full head of dreams.
thought mixed with dreams mixed with me.

Blue-black and pricked still sky above, yet in lashed eyes, grains fall and leap.
No wind; yet flows the sand to me.
So here I lie, eyes of the desert, abd-sahara and servant of man
Beast mixed with man mixed with me.


tectak
2008

it certainly had a middle eastern feel to it. i thin in places it felt a little to heavy re packing words but that was okay, it sort of lent itself to the ambience of the thing. the first line felt cliche at the beginning and while an odd one is normally ok i'm not sure this one succeeds as it's on the first line. it brought to mind the tyger, i think it's because of the poem's title. the changing refrain worked really well; like shifting sand. one of the main things i liked about it. i could understand it. how it was part of the desert how it was part of man part of something wider than itself.
as i read it i thought :take that 'the' out, take that.....and after a few reads i wasn't so sure. now i'm glad i stayed my tongue. as it encapsulates places like egypt and places like it.

thanks for the read.

[Indie]

This sand is running in my veins, dry as the dust which gave me presence;
and yet to you it is but sand. stating the obvious, and using "sand" twice in two lines, along with dust. It's too much. A rephrase would work here
Look to the rise where the trains of camel appear and vanish in trembling haze,
sun mixed with wind mixed with me. I like the repetition here, if flows well

Listen and you will hear my song, my father's song and his before him; cliche, makes me lose interest. Rephrase
Haboob the breath that rasps the tune.
Sung are the words of Allah the Prophet, great his name in heavens above, this line doesn't work, too much information. Do we need to know Allah is a prophet, it is integral to the poem?
God mixed with sand mixed with me.

Feel now the warmth within this place, alive with heat that saves and succours;
but chilled the night to test the soul. This line left me confused
Thrown khaymahs sleep a thousand thinkers, all adrift on a thought-full sea,
thought mixed with dreams mixed with me.

Blue-black and pricked still sky above, yet in lashed eyes, grains fall and leap. Confusing. Rephrase for clarity
No wind; yet flows the sand to me.
So here I lie, eyes of the desert, abd-sahara and servant of man
Beast mixed with man mixed with me.


tectak
2008

I like the story of this poem, how it mingles with history and self, just needs some tightening.

Indie

[Erthona]

S2 L2 A colon after “Haboob” (also footnote meaning)
S2 L3 Do you mean Muhammad? Allah is not a prophet, it is the Muslim name for God.
S3 L3 khayyam's? Regardless, needs an apostrophe to show possession.
S4 L3 “abd-sahara” (footnote meaning)
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I like the idea but a number of the lines seem almost senseless, such as "Blue-black and pricked still sky above". What does "pricked still" mean?

Maybe one needs familiarity with Omar Khayyám's poems for this to work, which I will admit to only a passing acquaintance with. However, some of it feels a little like name dropping such as using "Haboob" and "abd-sahara" especially as there is no meter constraint from using something like fierce dust storm, and "abd-sahara" I'm guessing has something to do with a green stone that has a similar name, other than that I have no clue what this refers to, or if it is even spelled correctly.

For me there are just too many problems to read it through to begin to get a sense of it.

Dale

[tectak]

I

S2 L2 A colon after “Haboob” (also footnote meaning)
S2 L3 Do you mean Muhammad? Allah is not a prophet, it is the Muslim name for God.
S3 L3 khayyam's? Regardless, needs an apostrophe to show possession.
S4 L3 “abd-sahara” (footnote meaning)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like the idea but a number of the lines seem almost senseless, such as "Blue-black and pricked still sky above". What does "pricked still" mean?

Maybe one needs familiarity with Omar Khayyám's poems for this to work, which I will admit to only a passing acquaintance with. However, some of it feels a little like name dropping such as using "Haboob" and "abd-sahara" especially as there is no meter constraint from using something like fierce dust storm, and "abd-sahara" I'm guessing has something to do with a green stone that has a similar name, other than that I have no clue what this refers to, or if it is even spelled correctly.
[
For me there are just too many problems to read it through to begin to get a sense of it.

Dale

Bugger and thanks for this.
Corrected the haboob line( I thought everyone knew haboob!)
Corrected the Allah line. Indie please note. Ooops.
Khaymahs, not bloody Kayamm It is a Bedouin tent! ( I thought everyone knew khaymah! Spelling is variable)
Abd just means "servant of".
I picked up all this desert crap in Morrocco a long time ago.......but how could I get Allah so wrong?
As always, a crushingly refreshing crit. Credited where due.
I knew I shoukd leave the obscure to others!
Best,
Tectak