Chasing the Dragon

[billy]

Chasing The Dragon
by
William Marsland.
-----------------
Powdered dream
on silver foil
above a fluid flame
liquefies to violent life

smoky whiskers
spiral from a writhing head

garnered in a paper vein
then held in burning lungs
till beast set free, is dead

[srijantje]

this is the one that hit me in the gut

[billy]

thanks for the read sj

[Philatone]

hey billy

like the images you've introduced (the beast dead once freed, powdered dream, the concreteness of 'silver foil').

for the piece, what with its absent punctuation, perhaps that comma could be removed at the end.
also, given the topic, perhaps the stanzas and line lengths could be played with more to better capture the topic, though there is no actual problem as-is for me. for instance, spacing lines like smoke or something of the sort, or at least making things less even.

the last line lacks a little burst that the other lines have. i think it's the fact that "beast" has no adjective describing it; all of the other nouns have some kind of description.

[billy]

i think i can take the comma off and sort the beast word out with something.

i suppose i could make a pic poem (wisp of smoke) but i think pic poems are in the main...pretentious...there i've said it .
i think i could play around with the enjambment though.

thanks for the feedback.

[addy]

I remember this. The imagery is really great, just fantastical enough. The last line is a wee bit anticlimactic but not too bad ( "beast set free" i thought was good, but "is dead" sounds like a non-event)

[Philatone]

wasn't necessarily saying a pic-poem per se, but more something just to match the topic. e.g., making the line breaks a bit more irregular. again, completely understand if kept as-is

[Universalchild]

Fantastic imagery, I enjoyed reading it. However, I felt it lacked emotion and insight and it didn't really bring anything new to the table.

I think it would really suit being a pic poem... I've only used it a couple of times myself (I'm not overly keen but I believe in trying things out!) - because it basically is a snapshot image of someone smoking heroin rather then an in-depth emotive account of someone experiencing heroin. It has inspired me to try and be more visual with my own poem though. I tend to underestimate the power of raw physical imagery in favour of atmosphere and feeling.

[billy]

I remember this. The imagery is really great, just fantastical enough. The last line is a wee bit anticlimactic but not too bad ( "beast set free" i thought was good, but "is dead" sounds like a non-event)

will work o the last line in the edit addy, thanks for the feedback

---

wasn't necessarily saying a pic-poem per se, but more something just to match the topic. e.g., making the line breaks a bit more irregular. again, completely understand if kept as-is

i'll def keep a line break change in mind though i haven't a lot to work with

---

Fantastic imagery, I enjoyed reading it. However, I felt it lacked emotion and insight and it didn't really bring anything new to the table.

I think it would really suit being a pic poem... I've only used it a couple of times myself (I'm not overly keen but I believe in trying things out!) - because it basically is a snapshot image of someone smoking heroin rather then an in-depth emotive account of someone experiencing heroin. It has inspired me to try and be more visual with my own poem though. I tend to underestimate the power of raw physical imagery in favour of atmosphere and feeling.

thanks for the feedback Uc; all valid points, though i'm not really fond of pic poetry. i think you got it right with the snapshot thing.

[Erthona]

Nice Mary-J metaphor man. Like cool! (Really though, nice image et al)

Addy is right though, that last line's limp.

Why not just "until the beast is dead"? I don't think you have to reiterate that it was set free. It also allows for a nice double entendre.

Dale

[billy]

thanks for the feedback Dale.

i'll do something with it today. i think you both have a point with the last line.