Oh, world

[Chaotic Body]

newborns' DNA integrity
weaponized, a scar forms

a million voices cry,
a noised pain: window-blinds shut
the courts are closed today
as it's better not to demonize anyone


the scar had been long-forming;
oil-by-barrels and chem-trails draw,
a clear picture: future where
man fights for a desert land

a history of killing off wildlife-
park or sea or glacier or forestry:
struggling to understand his own steps;
man wins himself a radiated hand


because you can't handle the truth.
delivered: destroys; best to lie in
denial: path of least resistance

oh, the sorry state the world's in:
a billion voices cry,
a noised pain: window-blinds shut
the courts are closed today
as it's better not to demonize anyone



(end)

[Indie]

newborns' DNA integrity
weaponized, a scar forms

a million voices cry,
a noised pain: window-blinds shut
the courts are closed today
as it's better not to demonize anyone


the scar had been long-forming;
oil-by-barrels and chem-trails draw,
a clear picture: future where
man fights for a desert land

a history of killing off wildlife-
park or sea or glacier or forestry:
struggling to understand his own steps;
man wins himself a radiated hand


because you can't handle the truth.
delivered: destroys; best to lie in
denial: path of least resistance

oh, the sorry state the world's in:
a billion voices cry,
a noised pain: window-blinds shut
the courts are closed today
as it's better not to demonize anyone



(end)

I've been coming back to this poem for a couple of days, and after many reads I'm still as confused as when I first read it. It's very vague in it's subject matter, and I can honestly not work out what it is about. Abortion? Stem cell research? I don't know. There seems to be a few concepts floating around. The strongest thing I got from it was the references to the law and government. Other than that, I'm a complete loss.

The language you use is great, very evocative, but this needs to be tighter and less ambiguous, maybe breaking it down it its most important components.

Apologies if that is overly harsh.

Indie

[billy]

honesty is always appreciated round here Indie;

a title would have helped point us in the right direction i think.
i get a sense it's a montage of mans ill treatment of his world and how he doesn't care, how he's apathetic towards all that should really matter. (all good stuff as content) sadly it needs structure. a strong entry point followed by some coherent images, insights. it's almost there but not quite. the 4th and 5th stanza seem to me the best. they don't need much of an edit, then work round them.

thanks for the read.