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[tectak]

When years together seemed a promise made,
No more than that, though truthfully, well meant;
I went alone, you never knew, into a quiet darkened room
And cried with such an anguished mind,
For so much love welled up in me that I was taken by the swell.
The moment still is fresh today; but now by time and circumstance
I find you look the other way. A greater pain there cannot be,
Unless in your eyes I have changed, and greater your heart's angst than mine.
But still I will be loving you, the years are not a changeling's sword,
Nor passing time a slipping vow, nor echoes promises that fade.
Your old grey head, your weakened frame, your sleeping days in sun-bright rooms
Are wrapped in precious overlays of memories of all those days
When years together seemed a promise made. And I have kept my word.
Tectak
2012

[addy]

Sorry I couldn't be more constructive with this one, but I find myself struggling to have any complaints. L9 onwards is just so freaking lovely; and that ending! I truly enjoyed this one. thanks for the read.

[Philatone]

When years together seemed a promise made,..like the opening, already conveys a sense of doubt
No more than that, though truthfully, well meant;
I went alone, you never knew, into a quiet darkened room
And cried with such an anguished mind,...in some ways, I felt this and line below could have been combined, cutting some words out from both
For so much love welled up in me that I was taken by the swell.
The moment still is fresh today; but now by time and circumstance...."today; but now by time" I understand the meaning, and it does work, but I stumbled specifically over these words
I find you look the other way. A greater pain there cannot be,...great line, very understandable
Unless in your eyes I have changed, and greater your heart's angst than mine.
But still I will be loving you, the years are not a changeling's sword,
Nor passing time a slipping vow, nor echoes promises that fade....from this point on, I really have nothing to say. the writing is strong, the sentiments clear. it's great.
Your old grey head, your weakened frame, your sleeping days in sun-bright rooms
Are wrapped in precious overlays of memories of all those days
When years together seemed a promise made. And I have kept my word.
Tectak
2012

though it is little, I hope some of this can be of use

[tectak]

When years together seemed a promise made,..like the opening, already conveys a sense of doubt
No more than that, though truthfully, well meant;
I went alone, you never knew, into a quiet darkened room
And cried with such an anguished mind,...in some ways, I felt this and line below could have been combined, cutting some words out from both
For so much love welled up in me that I was taken by the swell.
The moment still is fresh today; but now by time and circumstance...."today; but now by time" I understand the meaning, and it does work, but I stumbled specifically over these words
I find you look the other way. A greater pain there cannot be,...great line, very understandable
Unless in your eyes I have changed, and greater your heart's angst than mine.
But still I will be loving you, the years are not a changeling's sword,
Nor passing time a slipping vow, nor echoes promises that fade....from this point on, I really have nothing to say. the writing is strong, the sentiments clear. it's great.
Your old grey head, your weakened frame, your sleeping days in sun-bright rooms
Are wrapped in precious overlays of memories of all those days
When years together seemed a promise made. And I have kept my word.
Tectak
2012

though it is little, I hope some of this can be of use

Hi phil,
You have highlighted a couple of weaknesses in this piece that I could not put my finger on. The "by time and circumstance" is formulated in language which is, on a prompted re-read, a little archaic...but not arcane. I woll look at it again.
The combination of two lines is an interesting suggestion because originally they WERE one! I changed it because it was at a rhythmically critical point: that is, when cause and effect become seperated. I will ponder.
Thanks for all,
Best,
Tectak

[billy]

When years together seemed a promise made,
No more than that, though truthfully, well meant;
I went alone, you never knew, into a quiet darkened room
And cried with such an anguished mind,
For so much love welled up in me that I was taken by the swell.
The moment still is fresh today; but now by time and circumstance
I find you look the other way. A greater pain there cannot be,
Unless in your eyes I have changed, and greater your heart's angst than mine.
But still I will be loving you, the years are not a changeling's sword,
Nor passing time a slipping vow, nor echoes promises that fade.
Your old grey head, your weakened frame, your sleeping days in sun-bright rooms
Are wrapped in precious overlays of memories of all those days
When years together seemed a promise made. And I have kept my word.
Tectak
2012

first off, i found it to be sweet, interlaced with a genuine feel of love/devotion.
i'm on the fence as to the layout. it works really well, i just think it would work just as well with enjambment; which would make it less prose looking.
The moment still is fresh today;
but now by time and circumstance

it feels flowery but in a good way. it shows a soft side to the narrator.
normally i go with less is best, here i think the flowery works better than a deep cutting word, maybe a couple of word removed could improve it but i think that's a really small nit.
i don't think it a great poem by most means, but i'd read this poem before many of the great ones. it makes me feel human and good and kind, if only for a few seconds. in this respect it works as well as many great poems. i really enjoyed it.

thanks for the read.