Asylum

[Aish]

He lets me

inside his skin.
And I wear him,
like a jacket
like a star seed
like a brine.

Seeking out darkness
we collide:
I push into tenderness,
slinky stiletto DNA,
hanging secrets from quarried bones
and knitting whispers
into awe.

Then he sheds,
and we begin again.

[Philatone]

hey there!
some thoughts that I hope can be useful

He lets me...really like this as an intro; open to many interpretations and keeps the poem intriguing

inside his skin.
And I wear him,
like a jacket
like a star seed
like a brine....of this triplet of images, I really prefered two: the "jacket" and the "brine"

Seeking out darkness...interesting how, by uniting, one turns from the light
we collide: ..works well with that theme of melding into one
I push into tenderness,
slinky stiletto DNA,...can't explain at the moment, but I liked the image. DNA, with its helix structure, goes well with the sense of two pieces acting together as one. also, reiterates that theme of digging into things, what with DNA inside of cells. considered removing the comma from after "tenderness" so the speaker could actually "push" that "slinky stiletto DNA" into the tenderness.
hanging secrets from quarried bones
and knitting whispers ...again, ties with DNA and uniting because of "knitting"
into awe....here, I would have preferred something more concrete. personal style; take with salt

Then he sheds,
and we begin again....i like how the ending of one skin leads to another process. goes well with a number of the themes presented

just some thoughts. enjoyed the read

[billy]

He lets me

inside his skin.
And I wear him,
like a jacket
like a star seed
like a brine.

Seeking out darkness
we collide:
I push into tenderness,
slinky stiletto DNA,
hanging secrets from quarried bones
and knitting whispers
into awe.

Then he sheds,
and we begin again.

Hi Aish,

i have no nits with the 2nd stanza, my nit with 1st is that it feels cliche in places. i like the star seed line and it fits well with the 2nd stanza but i'm not sure it works that well. i think the 1st two similes could go without affecting the piece, and in going make the 1st line work better.

i like the sexy dna line very much. (reminds me of jessica rabbit)

the last stanza is i think the best part. works on a few layers. (as to what he sheds) over all i enjoyed the read. and see the need to feel secure in someone else.

thanks for the read.

[addy]

Your imagery really is superb... there's something elegant yet at the same time almost primordial about how you put it together; powerfully symbolic. The only thing I would've personally done different is use "stringing" instead of hanging in S3L5 only because I like alliteration , but that is hardly a nit and only a matter of personal style. It is superb the way I see it now.

[heslopian]

I've already commented on this poem at DU, but I'd like to add that I really like the listing effect in the second verse. It's like watching a parade of symbols dance by.

[tectak]

He lets me

inside his skin.
And I wear him,
like a jacket
like a star seed
like a brine.

Seeking out darkness
we collide:
I push into tenderness,
slinky stiletto DNA,
hanging secrets from quarried bones
and knitting whispers
into awe.

Then he sheds,
and we begin again.

I am going out on a limb, here, and completely avoiding critical appraisal of the structure of this piece.
In a very real epiphany I found this piece incredibly erotic, and though not my preference, blatantly homosexual.
The first three lines are the giveaway. "HE" lets "ME" inside "HIS" skin. What else ticks the boxes? You need only to read on, once this platform is stable, and we get the symbolic stilletto/penis allusion, the DNA/semen connection, the "push into tenderness" though epicene, still fits. Excuse the pun. "Hanging secrets" can boggle the mind but "then he sheds" has NOTHING to do with gardening!
Of course, there are those who would argue that if you are going all metaphorical as a genre, you may as well write pornography in sanskrit ( some did) now that Bhagwanlal Indraji is dead, and your secret will remain intact.
I did not like this piece but am pleased to have read it. I may even plagiarise it sometime, using all the right words. Don't worry. No one will notice.
Best,
tectak