yellowjackets
#1

V. 6 removed the "guest," final half of the poem reworked, new title, "golden" changed to "yellow"

yellowjackets

After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,

the nest thaws
and yellowjackets,

frozen in paper cells,
wake as prisoners.

Gone is the unfinished wall
used for shelter, traded

for a canister of glass.
Before torpor ends,

a strand of rope
nets their carapace,

yellow bands soon flying
like stripes on a torn flag

slow to be lowered
after capture.


v. 5 thanks to billy. adjusted "hooks", S7; added "without a fight" to the same stanza



After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,

--the guest said,
addressing the table--

the nest thaws
and yellowjackets,

frozen in paper cells,
wake as prisoners.

Gone is the unfinished wall
used for shelter, traded

for a canister of glass;
before torpor ends,

a strand of rope
nets their golden bands

without a fight. Once warm,
they fly like torn flags

--he laughs, takes a question
on the number of hives in the empty house--

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.




v. 4
-new stanzass (4 and 5) added
-"empty" added to "house"




After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,

--the guest said,
addressing the table--

the nest thaws
and yellowjackets,

frozen in paper cells,
wake as prisoners.

Gone is the unfinished wall
used for shelter, traded

for a canister of glass; before torpor ends,
a strand of rope hooks

the bands of black
and gold on exposed skeletons.

Once warm,
they fly like torn flags

--he laughs, takes a question
on the number of hives in the empty house--

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.




v. 3 tried removing excess

After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,

--the guest said,
addressing the table--

the nest thaws
and yellowjackets wake

without a home carved into
an unfinished wall.

Before torpor ends,
a strand of rope hooks

the bands of black
and gold on their skeletons.

Once warm,
they fly like torn flags

--he laughs, takes a question
on the number of hives in the house--

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.




V. 2 slight wording adjustments; hope they make the "piece" even tighter


After you take the jar from the freezer
-the guest said, addressing the table-

Unscrew the lid and wait for the nest inside
to thaw as the yellowjackets warm and wake,

exiled from the exposed beams
of an unfinished, pine-scented home.

Wear heavy clothes and goggles
to avoid the stings; after all,

some people are allergic; and bring string
to tie around their banded bodies.

They fly like flags
-here, he laughs,

takes a question on the number of hives
planted in the unassembled walls-

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.



v. 1

After you take the jar from the freezer
-the diner said, addressing the table-

Unscrew the lid and wait for the honeycomb
to thaw as the yellowjackets warm to life,

immigrants, pushed out of the exposed beams
of a new, pine-scented home.

Wear heavy clothes and goggles
to avoid the stings; after all,

some people are allergic; and bring string
to tie around their bodies.

They fly like flags
-here, he laughs,

takes a question on the number of hives
planted in the house-

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.
Written only for you to consider.
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#2
The diner is someone sitting at a table addressing someone else?
I thought that would really make a great domestic.. depression.. poem
I might go use that idea actually!

I also thought this could be people eating honey at the table

I didn't like the jump to the beekeeping clothing, I wanted to hear more about the bees
(Not people)
Maybe if it's valuable to hear about the beekeeping experience.. otherwise, it's obvious for me
Well, wouldn't be if I didn't know that fact already, but it feels like a wasted line

I've seen people fly individual bees using string... don't see how that protects you from them all
You can't ..control.. individual bees with beekeeping?

Maybe you can really emphasize on the smell or taste or colour of honey.


I like it though.
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#3
chaotic-

thanks for the time and read. beekeeping and honey illusions were dropped to shift the focus more to wasps (bad decision to start with on my part).
your words were helpful, many thanks
Written only for you to consider.
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#4
(04-15-2012, 12:13 AM)Philatone Wrote:  
v. 3 tried removing excess

After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,

--the guest said,
addressing the table--

the nest thaws
and yellowjackets wake

without a home carved into
an unfinished wall.

Before torpor ends,
a strand of rope hooks

the bands of black
and gold on their skeletons.

Once warm,
they fly like torn flags

--he laughs, takes a question
on the number of hives in the house--

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.




V. 2 slight wording adjustments; hope they make the "piece" even tighter


After you take the jar from the freezer
-the guest said, addressing the table-

Unscrew the lid and wait for the nest inside
to thaw as the yellowjackets warm and wake,

exiled from the exposed beams
of an unfinished, pine-scented home.

Wear heavy clothes and goggles
to avoid the stings; after all,

some people are allergic; and bring string
to tie around their banded bodies.

They fly like flags
-here, he laughs,

takes a question on the number of hives
planted in the unassembled walls-

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.



v. 1

After you take the jar from the freezer
-the diner said, addressing the table-

Unscrew the lid and wait for the honeycomb
to thaw as the yellowjackets warm to life,

immigrants, pushed out of the exposed beams
of a new, pine-scented home.

Wear heavy clothes and goggles
to avoid the stings; after all,

some people are allergic; and bring string
to tie around their bodies.

They fly like flags
-here, he laughs,

takes a question on the number of hives
planted in the house-

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.
sorry to get here late geoff, it feels like you took the edit too far. i do like
once warm
they fly like torn flags.

sometimes we take so much off that what's left feels like a list.
the 1st version for me had more warmth, more of everything the final edit didn't, apart from the torn flag couplet. at present i'm having a bit of trouble getting a complete picture. sorry i couldn't be more helpful
thanks for the read.

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#5
billy
probably was the most helpful crit I could have gotten right now. I'm having trouble balancing too little with just enough when editing on my own. I've added a few notes to give the work some meat
Written only for you to consider.
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#6
now i can see the light a little better. the only thing i'm snagging on (forgive the pun): a strand of rope hooks

the line leaves me flat and in the dark as to it's meaning/ i'm like wtf dude hehe. seriously. i have no idea what or how that line works.other than that the small edit makes it clearer for me the reader.
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#7
thanks for the repeated visits to this, billy. changing the word
Written only for you to consider.
Reply
#8
(04-15-2012, 12:13 AM)Philatone Wrote:  
v. 5 thanks to billy. adjusted "hooks", S7; added "without a fight" to the same stanza



After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,

--the guest said,
addressing the table--possibly begin with these two lines to avoid the clumsiness requiring dashes. Either way, still, very good hook.

the nest thaws
and yellowjackets,

frozen in paper cells,
wake as prisoners.Luckily, I know what this means and so I don't give a damn if other readers/critics do notSmile. This is NOT obscure but it is informative. Well done!

Gone is the unfinished wall
used for shelter, traded

for a canister of glass;
before torpor ends,

a strand of rope
nets their golden bandsbut I do not know what this means....will I find out? The lines are still holding me and I want to follow you.

without a fight. Once warm,
they fly like torn flags Stop required. Cannot get the "torn flags analogy. Stretching things a little in this stanza.

--he laughs, takes a question
on the number of hives in the empty house--The use of dashes can be a construct to identify "sameness" of intent or characterisation. You have been consistent and accurate in the locating of same and so maybe my earlier comment may be ignored. I am not sure. Perhaps others will opine.

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.Now I am sure that there is some deep significance to the final stanza but it eludes me. This is a great pity. I would strongly encourage you to buttress up this end-piece with bricks of clarity and mortar of intent. Hell, where did that come from. I'm a poet, and I know it, hope I don't blow it. Bugger, I just had a Dylan reflux!
Like it but not a lot....yet.
Best,
tectak



v. 4
-new stanzass (4 and 5) added
-"empty" added to "house"




After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,

--the guest said,
addressing the table--

the nest thaws
and yellowjackets,

frozen in paper cells,
wake as prisoners.

Gone is the unfinished wall
used for shelter, traded

for a canister of glass; before torpor ends,
a strand of rope hooks

the bands of black
and gold on exposed skeletons.

Once warm,
they fly like torn flags

--he laughs, takes a question
on the number of hives in the empty house--

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.




v. 3 tried removing excess

After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,

--the guest said,
addressing the table--

the nest thaws
and yellowjackets wake

without a home carved into
an unfinished wall.

Before torpor ends,
a strand of rope hooks

the bands of black
and gold on their skeletons.

Once warm,
they fly like torn flags

--he laughs, takes a question
on the number of hives in the house--

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.




V. 2 slight wording adjustments; hope they make the "piece" even tighter


After you take the jar from the freezer
-the guest said, addressing the table-

Unscrew the lid and wait for the nest inside
to thaw as the yellowjackets warm and wake,

exiled from the exposed beams
of an unfinished, pine-scented home.

Wear heavy clothes and goggles
to avoid the stings; after all,

some people are allergic; and bring string
to tie around their banded bodies.

They fly like flags
-here, he laughs,

takes a question on the number of hives
planted in the unassembled walls-

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.



v. 1

After you take the jar from the freezer
-the diner said, addressing the table-

Unscrew the lid and wait for the honeycomb
to thaw as the yellowjackets warm to life,

immigrants, pushed out of the exposed beams
of a new, pine-scented home.

Wear heavy clothes and goggles
to avoid the stings; after all,

some people are allergic; and bring string
to tie around their bodies.

They fly like flags
-here, he laughs,

takes a question on the number of hives
planted in the house-

Enough to burn, one to save
for when the wind was strong

enough to drag any flag
back to life.

Reply
#9
thanks for the crit, tec; gives me many items that I can adjust and already have ideas on. hope to work on an edit by tomorrow. thank you for the time and specific feedback; agree with a number of the points you raised
Written only for you to consider.
Reply
#10
made several adjustments based on your comments, tec
Written only for you to consider.
Reply
#11
I guess this got buried before I saw it.

After you take the jar
and remove it from the freezer,

Why is this so complex/wordy?

"After you remove the jar from the freezer"

-or-

"After you remove the jar containing
the wasp nest from the freezer"
------------------------------------

the nest thaws
and yellowjackets, (no comma)
frozen in paper cells, (no comma)
wake as prisoners.
---------------------------------
"a strand of rope
nets their carapace,"

I also have no idea of what this is referring to.
------------------------------------
"a strand of rope
nets their carapace,
golden bands soon flying
like stripes on a torn flag
slow to be lowered
after capture."

OK, I get the "flag of the enemy is slow to be taken down by the victor", but I don't see how this image fits wasp. I think maybe you have mixed your metaphor with the reality, that is mistaken one for the other. Somehow the roped carapace is "golden bands" and golden bands = stripes of a torn flag, but wasps in reality are not golden bands, so you have a metaphor of a metaphor since "golden bands" is a metaphor for wasp, and then "stripes on a torn flag" is a metaphor for "golden bands". On top of this, the "rope" is itself a metaphor of something, because rope would obviously be too large for what you purpose. That gives you a free floating metaphor to go with the rest.

I have read through all of the versions, as well as all of the comments, and can see no place where it was clear what you meant, but then somehow cut that part leaving confusion (this sometimes happens). Here seems the largest clue,

some people are allergic; and bring string
to tie around their bodies.

I am assuming you mean the wasps' bodies? Still, while this may work with locust, I cannot see it happening with wasp, who are still buried in the hive.

"frozen in paper cells"

You would need to be a surgeon to preform this operation.

Regardless, if this is the connection to the "rope" idea, it seems to be well and truly lost, and in fact didn't really hold up to begin with. But in the current version, it is as though you got fascinated with this flag metaphor and forget to connect it in someway to the reality of the wasp.

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#12
I like the restraint of the latest version. It hits harder and leaves much more to the reader. Smile
"Poets are shameless with their experiences: they exploit them." - Friedrich Nietzsche
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#13
good feedback from dale, great edit from you.

in fact an excellent edit.

i think you proved that sometimes a straight line is the best when giving direction.
fir me it's a finished article geoff, well done.
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#14
dale-
firstly, thanks for the time and lengthy response. I intended "golden bands" as the stripes on their bodies, which too me is too literal to be a metaphor (I mean, wasps do actually have yellow-gold bands on their backs...). I guess I could write:

nets their carapace,
their golden bands soon flying...

or

nets their carapace
lined with gold, soon flying



or something to that extent. also, the "strand of rope" used for tying was also meant to be literal (though I'm always open to and considering metaphors in addition to the standard meaning); after all, it is a "strand" and not a full piece of rope. These things actually happen.


I guess right now, I'm not seeing this as a stretch in terms of what its reaching for; perhaps that is still my bias and I need more distance from piece. I only explained my intentions to see if you could help me to find a way to get my meaning across more clearly. Maybe adding another stanza to describe the tieing of the wasps more? Again, thanks for the feedback

Indie-
thanks for the time and thoughts! I'm glad the tightening could increase the impact

billy-
thanks once again for the repeated visits; hearing your thoughts is always helpful
Written only for you to consider.
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#15
Fantastic edit Phil! It seems this one took a lot of hits in critique but the final product is beautifully slick.

I'm probably going to be loudly disagreed with here Big Grin... but I rather enjoyed your earlier ending, only because it had more of a sense of motion and energy to it; a spark. It fit well with the "coming back to life" thing, whereas in the latest edit the final couplet sounds more like it's settling in, tonally, rather than breaking out on a high note. That's just my personal take, though. Great read Smile

addendum: Just thought of it now, while pondering my comment. I probably liked the understated progression of the images from the cold, to the paper nest (kindling), to a wick, to motion and "fire"--- but of course the sense of it inverted because they've been brought into a sanitized existence from a wild one. I think overall it gels together pretty nicely
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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#16
Geoff,

The way I read it (taking the singular) was a "golden band" was flying without benefit of wing, or head, et al. Partially, I think for me they (wasps) are not literally "golden" but yellow, so golden for me is at least hyperbole. Also golden carries the connotation of metallic, and "golden band" refers often to a wedding ring. All that happens for me with the plural is that I see many single bands of gold. But I think it is mainly about gold not transposing to yellow for me. To be golden means to possess the attributes of gold, to be yellow is to simply be that color. I'm willing to admit I am in the minority here. I'll get back on this when I have the time and mental energy to think clearly about the rest.

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#17
I think that's fair on gold-yellow being a bit of a stretch; I can tone it down. I have nothing against yellow!
Written only for you to consider.
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#18
on the yellow i'm with you dale. i never gave the gold to much thought but what you say makes sense.
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