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Second pots of tea
sit heavier than first
in cups so porcelain, the handles
try to break,
untouched. We ran out of news
as water boiled, now
the taste won't leave.
A bitter leaf
has found my tongue
and shed a seed,
swelling without
a drop of sun to grow.
Written only for you to consider.
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My initial thought is: I really like this (that's an intense critique I know). It holds together welL. My very minor suggestion is to lead of S2 with a "with"
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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I'm sold. Love "the handles try to break, untouched" -- I'm pretty sure I went to that reunion. I agree with Todd on a "with" or even "in" to start the second stanza, but I'm pretty much lost for suggestions on the rest of it. The bitter leaf/seed notion is pure genius.
It could be worse
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todd, leanne
thanks for the kind words! with two votes to none, I think i'll squeeze in an "in" (works better with the cup than "with" I think).
thanks also for the time, much appreciated
Written only for you to consider.
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(04-07-2012, 12:19 PM)Philatone Wrote: Second pots of tea
sit heavier than first is the first needed?
in cups so porcelain, the handles
try to break,
untouched. We ran out of news
as water boiled, now
the taste won't leave.
A bitter leaf
has found my tongue
and shed a seed,
swelling without
a drop of sun to grow.
just the one nit. in the 2nd line.
i also liked the porcelain image of delicate
nicely done
thanks for the read.
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(04-07-2012, 12:19 PM)Philatone Wrote: Second pots of tea
sit heavier than first
in cups so porcelain, the handles
try to break,
untouched. We ran out of news
as water boiled, now
the taste won't leave.
A bitter leaf
has found my tongue
and shed a seed,
swelling without
a drop of sun to grow.
I just cant drink tea from anything but good bone china. But I am intrigued with the idea of the weight increasing 2nd serves around. Bronte must investigate further !!
yes I do get it . the silent pause -- but I like that idea of breaking wrists and smashing cups.. NOT mine but!!
anyhoo! I was not bored in the musing . I do go on I know!! bear with me. I do shut up in the end~~ bronte~~ there, I'm done!
Perfection changes with the light and light goes on for infinity ~~~Bronte
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billy, bronte
thanks for the time and the reads! appreciated the words. I'll consider the change, billy, but I think for now I may keep as is. bronte, I'm glad I could keep you entertained at least a little!
Written only for you to consider.
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This is a lovely piece... I don't even have any nits to offer. Reminds me a bit of the song "Think About Your Troubles"
. Understated and effective
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
