Paper Girl
#1
glad to see that girl riding up the path
it's Blossom Riley
straddling the bar
I raked plucked leaves from the tines
from now on mister Paris your new papergirl
I saw her around
knew her dad was Riley
the mechanic burly man with tough sons

she folded one real neat you collect when
every Friday then we'll have a pop

I save my pennies and dimes
my my Blossom
you have yes changed I save
for my paper bill in a Folger coffee can
when you can
and if in denim overalls ahead
of your paper route would you
fourteen now
stay for a bottle of Nehi grape
I keep on ice

I hear cherry cider music at the fair
all kinds of blossomings
rounding corners of side show tents
licking
vanilla scones and tossing braids

cards snapper clothespins in your spokes
sure mister Paris
I'll have a pop

now raking leaves I hear Blossom pedaling
Jacks Kings and Queens the Nine of Hearts
tat-tatting tat
past rows of hedge up the road

come around
the dew is on Sunday morning maybe
I'm gathering wood out back
don't throw under the porch
toss it spinning in early sun
bring stones I'll shine on my grinding wheel
your mouth all Nehi grape
.
.
.
.
.

Blossom turn around
bend down
pull the arrow out my heel

##
roy hobbs
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#2
V, I'm pressed for time just at the moment but I really did want to give you a first impression.

The thing that strikes me the most about the composition of the poem is its "folding", achieved by repetition and varied punctuation/ grammar/ line breaks to echo the subject. The effect is marvellous -- it's like origami poetry Smile I wonder, if you wrote a thousand of these would your wish come true?

In the closing lines, I believe you should have "Blossom" (unless you just like a bosom with a bit extra!)
It could be worse
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#3
[quote='Leanne' pid='93860' dateline='1333673860']
V, I'm pressed for time just at the moment but I really did want to give you a first impression.

The thing that strikes me the most about the composition of the poem is its "folding", achieved by repetition and varied punctuation/ grammar/ line breaks to echo the subject. The effect is marvellous -- it's like origami poetry Smile I wonder, if you wrote a thousand of these would your wish come true?

In the closing lines, I believe you should have "Blossom" (unless you just like a bosom with a bit extra!)

Lol-- Yikes!
I corrected the error.

Leanne,
the poem is an example of Grammar B.
Have you heard of it?-- popular in
the 70's. ... 'the tangerine flake.'

And in Eliot's Wasteland-- the tavern passage
"Hurry up please, it's time."

Thanks for the comments.
roy hobbs


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#4
No, I confess I hadn't heard of it -- I was only just learning to talk in the 70s Big Grin.

However, it strikes me that the technique greatly precedes the theory, utilising repetends in a similar fashion to formes fixes or indeed the pantoum.
It could be worse
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#5
(04-06-2012, 08:35 AM)Veronique Wrote:  glad to see that girl riding up the path
it's Blossom Riley
straddling the bar
I raked plucked leaves from the tines should it be plucked raked leaves from....
from now on mister Paris your new papergirl
I saw her around
knew her dad was Riley
the mechanic burly man with tough sons

she folded one real neat you collect when
every Friday then we'll have a pop

I save my pennies and dimes
my my Blossom
you have yes changed I save
for my paper bill in a Folger coffee can
when you can
and if in denim overalls ahead
of your paper route would you
fourteen now
stay for a bottle of Nehi grape
I keep on ice

I hear cherry cider music at the fair
all kinds of blossomings
rounding corners of side show tents
licking
vanilla scones and tossing braids

cards snapper clothespins in your spokes
sure mister Paris
I'll have a pop

now raking leaves I hear Blossom pedaling (sp)
Jacks Kings and Queens the Nine of Hearts
tat-tatting tat
past rows of hedge up the road

come around
the dew is on Sunday morning maybe
I'm gathering wood out back
don't throw under the porch
toss it spinning in early sun
bring stones I'll shine on my grinding wheel
your mouth all Nehi grape
.
.
.
.
.

Blossom turn around
bend down
pull the arrow out my heel

##
roy hobbs
i'm seeing it as a fanatasy more than a reality. and though i'm struggling to follow it i'm not that sure that i care i have to. i'm just immersing myself into it. i've read it a few times now and it feels real. though i am struggling a little i can't put my finger on the why of it.
some great lines.

and if in denim overalls ahead
of your paper route would you
fourteen now
stay for a bottle of Nehi grape

it works even without grammar. i like the way you reinforce the wanting of her with the grape temptation. (if that's what it is).
it's one of those likeable pieces that you think you know what's being acted out but aren't totally sure. it makes me ask "what is it about youth that we so covet as we get older,

sorry i couldn't be more constructive.

thanks for the read.
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#6
hey V!

read this a few times before coming up with the words to say; I hope they make sense and offer you something

(04-06-2012, 08:35 AM)Veronique Wrote:  glad to see that girl riding up the path
it's Blossom Riley
straddling the bar
I raked plucked leaves from the tines ..."plucked leaves" I found very interesting, imagining how
from now on mister Paris your new papergirl
I saw her around
knew her dad was Riley
the mechanic burly man with tough sons

she folded one real neat you collect when
every Friday then we'll have a pop ..."papers" i'm guessing

I save my pennies and dimes
my my Blossom
you have yes changed I save ...wasn't completely sure how to read this line; I often moved the position of the "yes"
for my paper bill in a Folger coffee can
when you can
and if in denim overalls ahead
of your paper route would you
fourteen now
stay for a bottle of Nehi grape
I keep on ice

I hear cherry cider music at the fair
all kinds of blossomings
rounding corners of side show tents
licking
vanilla scones and tossing braids

cards snapper clothespins in your spokes ...great line and image
sure mister Paris
I'll have a pop ..and I like how you wove in the dialogue

now raking leaves I hear Blossom pedaling
Jacks Kings and Queens the Nine of Hearts ..i'm seeing the cards in the spokes, great image again. the "nine of hearts" is wonderful
tat-tatting tat
past rows of hedge up the road ...in some ways, I could see the poem ending here

come around
the dew is on Sunday morning maybe
I'm gathering wood out back
don't throw under the porch
toss it spinning in early sun
bring stones I'll shine on my grinding wheel
your mouth all Nehi grape ...but this makes a good closing line as well
.
.
.
.
.

Blossom turn around
bend down
pull the arrow out my heel ...personal preference coming out; this last bit felt too detached from what preceded it for me

##
roy hobbs

i realize most of this was not constructive, but i do hope you can benefit from at least some of what i said
Written only for you to consider.
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