< today i was looking at the sky >

[rayheinrich]

           < today i was looking at the sky >
     
     and later
     my neck hurt
     but at that moment i wasn't worried about my neck hurting
     and actually
     i'm not very worried about it now because i'm distracted trying
     to figure out what i was going to write next before i started thinking about
     how i wasn't that worried about how my neck hurt from looking at a cloud
     that was shaped like your face when you looked a me this morning while eating
     a piece of bread with honey on it and told me something i should have remembered but
     didn't because i was too busy thinking about how sticky the honey
     that you were dribbling on the table
     was...
           
                    - - -

[ellz483]

I like this style of logical (or illogical) thought progression. I think some punctuation would help because when I tried reading it aloud, I really didn't have any idea where I should put emphasis, stop/slow down, etc. Even stream of consciousness uses punctuation. I think adding an ellipsis at the very end would be especially beneficially, since I get the idea that the "was" is supposed to trail off, but it would be nice from a reader's perspective to have more direction.

[rayheinrich]

I like this style of logical (or illogical) thought progression. I think some punctuation would help because when I tried reading it aloud, I really didn't have any idea where I should put emphasis, stop/slow down, etc. Even stream of consciousness uses punctuation. I think adding an ellipsis at the very end would be especially beneficially, since I get the idea that the "was" is supposed to trail off, but it would be nice from a reader's perspective to have more direction.

My not using punctuation was terribly intentional as I was trying to create the 'illogical thought progression'
(nicely termed) of someone in love. Also (not completely irrelevant), most of my
poems lack punctuation marks. There is a big (almost gigantic) difference between 'punctuation'
and 'punctuation marks'. 'Punctuation marks' are a small subset of 'punctuation'. Where this is most
evident is when a poem is read out loud. When you read a poem out loud, there are no punctuation
marks, but there IS punctuation (a thousand times more or so ). Pauses, speedups, the almost
infinite amount of communication using body language, etc. etc.  In this poem their are two predominate
punctuations. The first is the 'line break' and second is 'phrasal repetition'.

Oh, jeez, I've gone on too long about the differences. I have gone on much longer in a zillion
old threads in the PigPen because it's a bit of a fetish with me.

But, I understand the criticism and I certainly make use of the marks every once in a while
and I am NOT (for the most part) a ranting egomaniac. Well, ok, I am; but I truly don't want
to be considered an effete snob. There is NO criticism I have ever received that didn't teach
me something.

I'm pathetically happy you took the time to read the damn thing; and I've become tragically fulfilled
by the very thought you would take the time to comment.

If you'll notice above, I have added an ellipsis at the end of the poem. This is a good idea.

Thanks
ray

[billy]

good train of thought piece, i've noticed that you use it quite a bit [in some of your poetry].
the ellipse is as clear as your sense of humour which can be scathing though i critique the person not just the poetry.
what i like about this one is the fact i have to return to the line above to reinforce the line i read at the moment. i meanthis in a good way, it acts as a sort of unwritten refrain.

i read this out loud and it worked pretty well, i had to up the tempo a little as though i were rudhing the lines out with a pause after each one [the way a child rushes his lines of speech out] and enjoyed the doing of it. i wasn't quite sure how to pronounce the ellipse,

[rayheinrich]

good train of thought piece, i've noticed that you use it quite a bit [in some of your poetry].
the ellipse is as clear as your sense of humour which can be scathing though i critique the person not just the poetry.
what i like about this one is the fact i have to return to the line above to reinforce the line i read at the moment. i meanthis in a good way, it acts as a sort of unwritten refrain.

i read this out loud and it worked pretty well, i had to up the tempo a little as though i were rudhing the lines out with a pause after each one [the way a child rushes his lines of speech out] and enjoyed the doing of it. i wasn't quite sure how to pronounce the ellipse,

One way is to say "dot, dot, dot".
(Though this works a lot better with Dragon-Speak* than it does with poetry.)


*A common nick-name for Dragon NaturallySpeaking speech recognition software.