The Eternal Lie-In

[heslopian]

When I realised death is absolute,
like the sky or my untidy hair,
my body shook with dark wonder,
as the notion of a dreamless sleep,
always unbroken, spread across the wall,
a large rain cloud. I was ten or eleven
and scared, but warm in my bed,
the sheets held close.

I don't remember if I slept.
Years of sparring with despair,
based on this reality,
that all which feels must one day not,
has led to musings, after all,
that maybe sleep is wonderful.
We lie in bed for years on years,
not once disturbed by mummy's hand,
bringing with it school and chores,
nor the alarm clock's android dirge,
worshipping the square office.
Rather, like a pleasant host,
the universe allows its guests
a very long lie-in.

[addy]

I really like the idea of this poem Jack. A child's mind is a wonderful thing, especially when its at the cusp of something previously unknown and unpondered.

When I realised death is absolute,
like the sky or my untidy hair,
my body shook with dark wonder,
as the notion of a dreamless sleep,
always unbroken, spread across the wall,
a large rain cloud. I was ten or eleven
and scared, but warm in my bed,
the sheets held close. How do i describe it... there were parts I found odd upon first read that were only later illuminated-- for instance i thought the second line was just wittily dry humor, and would've liked an image more absolute than "sky"; I as well thought "large rain cloud" was a rather safe image choice. Then when the poem progressed and the narrator's age (at the time) was revealed it all clicked happily and I liked it. So in that, the revelation seemed to flow backwards for me

I don't remember if I slept.
Years of sparring with despair,
based on this reality,
that all which feels must one day not,
has led to musings, after all,
that maybe sleep is wonderful.
We lie in bed for years on years,
not once disturbed by mummy's hand,
bringing with it school and chores,
nor the alarm clock's android dirge,
worshipping the square office.
Rather, like a pleasant host,
the universe allows its guests
a very long lie-in. I really love this, and almost wish the "lie-in" description was more drawn out. It reminds me of lazy summers where you can practically spend the day in bed. Sigh

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind feedback, addy I wasn't consciously trying to write like a child, but I was trying to remember how the experience felt to me at the time, when I was ten or eleven, so I guess that's why it came out that way.

[billy]

i think some of the things could be more definitive jack, this reality, led to musings etc but that said i really enjoyed the piece. i think a couple of words could be removed and that it would help make the poem stronger, like most poems a small edit would do wonders but i did enjoy it.
specially the end which i thought was excellent.
thanks for the read.

[Erthona]

The first stanza seems inspired, the second not so much. I could do without the sentence ending in the middle of the line. Could benefit from a little more rhythmic quality.

Dale

[heslopian]

Thanks, Bilbo and Erthona, for your feedback Erthona, do you think the poem would benefit from putting the last line at the end of the penultimate one?

[Philatone]

hey!
some thoughts and a quick line-by

When I realised death is absolute,
like the sky or my untidy hair,...the comparisons felt like too much of a stretch. "the sky" is broad; the speaker's "hair" I don't have much of a connection with; I get the intention, but the impact never really came for me
my body shook with dark wonder,
as the notion of a dreamless sleep,...i like this comparison to death
always unbroken, spread across the wall,
a large rain cloud. I was ten or eleven
and scared, but warm in my bed,
the sheets held close.
...thought the close to this stanza was strong enough

I don't remember if I slept.
Years of sparring with despair,...these next few lines felt a little too broad and abstract for me, both in concept ("despair") and substance ("years of sparring")
based on this reality,
that all which feels must one day not,
has led to musings, after all,
that maybe sleep is wonderful.
We lie in bed for years on years,
not once disturbed by mummy's hand,
bringing with it school and chores,...this half of the stanza feels much tighter
nor the alarm clock's android dirge,
worshipping the square office.
Rather, like a pleasant host,
the universe allows its guests
a very long lie-in.

the middle section lost some of the sparkle that the end of the first stanza created for me. in some ways, I felt the second stanza could be strengthened by starting at the "We line in bed" line, which also transitions nicely with the end of the first half of the piece.

regardless, gave me some things to ponder. thanks for the read

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Philatone