No title

[Larry]

tempered dawn skating
on ocean’s sapphire surface
gliding through stillness acquired
from a spring hurricane’s carcass

no I cannot call this quietness
but wounded silence stretching
across the broken docks to
cold dust dunes of once whole boulders
guarding the shore’s circumference

morning to me is no more
than the night it follows

i can still smell rain
amidst the sea breeze

[billy]

will reply when i get back from the mundanities of life (shopping )

[addy]

I really loved this one Larry. Full of imagery, and I really got your introspection this time around. You effectively used nature as a metaphor for the human experience. Reminded me of Dickinson poem: "After a great pain, a formal feeling comes."

Very nice

tempered dawn skating
on ocean’s sapphire surface
gliding through stillness acquired to me the image "skating" and "gliding" is pretty much the same, so I'd take out one and replace it with something else
from a spring hurricane’s carcass I like this image. So much so that maybe you should use a more expressive verb than "acquired", something that could color the story of the 'remains of a hurricane's carcass'.

no I cannot call this quietness
but wounded silence stretching
across the broken docks to
cold dust dunes of once whole boulders to me dust means dry, so it doesn't fit
guarding the shore’s circumference like this line

morning to me is no more
than the night it follows

i can still smell rain
amidst the sea breeze nice ending

[billy]

tempered dawn skating is skating needed?
on ocean’s sapphire surface would the before ocean's help the flow
gliding through stillness acquired is gliding through needed?
from a spring hurricane’s carcass [

no I cannot call this quietness
but wounded silence stretching more a instead of but
across the broken docks to
cold dust dunes of once whole boulders
guarding the shore’s circumference big long sentence

morning to me is no more
than the night it follows

i can still smell rain
amidst the sea breeze

with the changes you get;

tempered dawn
on the ocean’s sapphire surface
stillness acquired
from a spring hurricane’s carcass

no I cannot call this quietness
more a wounded silence
stretching across the broken docks
cold dust dunes of once whole boulders
guard the shore’s circumference

morning to me is no more
than the night it follows

i can still smell rain
amidst the sea breeze

love the last six lines, they work really well for me.

the skating and the gliding for me doesn't work. somehow i can't get to grips with the dawn skating. and the gliding feel vague as to ownership (sea or dawn)

seems like a lot but i think there's a publishable poem i it. thanks for the read. i always enjoy your stuff.
.