Little Gangsta:

[billy]

i think i went too far in listening to Dale but i like it. once i started i couldn't stop. i tried to sort out the question mark at the end. while it is different i do agree with Dales advice on bringing parts of it out more. if anyone has any other ideas? i do realize it's verging on prose but i'm okay with that.

I exercised the old bones
and crawled to the corner shop today.
The entrance full of little arse-biting twelve year olds.
Scruffy cunts all, and cheeky with it.

'Give us a fag you fat cunt.'

'Give us a fiver you old goaty bastard.'

they took turns with their threats
All of them threatening like yellowed teeth in a monster's maw.
I took my cig's out and lit one for the alpha child.

'Here,' I said to Little Mister Pissy

who said 'Thanks',

then screamed as the glowing ash
drew blisters on his lips.
It took time for him to stop wailing
his mates gawking like geese.

The penknife "hot-lips" pulled out made me chuckle
I passed him and cautiously clipped his ear.

They all traipsed in behind me, like some kind of grey worm;
while I bought a Daily Star
then wriggled out behind me when I left.

'Oy you! you fucker'

Turning i asked 'What'

'Av you gotta light please?'
'hot lips begged' begged.

Original:


I exercised the old bones
and crawled to the corner shop
today, the entrance was full;
little arse-biting twelve year olds.
Scruffy cunts all, and cheeky with it.
'Give us a fag you fat cunt.'
'Give us a fiver you old goaty bastard.'
All of them threatening
like yellowed teeth
in a monster's maw.

I took my cig's out and lit one.
'Here,' I said passing it.
Little Mister Pissy said 'Thanks',
then screamed as the hot coal
pierced his lips.
Once he realised what had happened
he stopped howling,
his mates gawking like geese.

The penknife hot-lips pulled out
made me cautiously chuckle.
I clipped his ear,
and they all traipsed in
behind me, like some kind of grey worm;
while I bought a Daily Star
then wriggled out when I left.

'Oy you! you fucker?'
the worm head shouted.

Turning i asked 'What?'

'ave you gotta light please'

he begged.

[Philatone]

ey billy

I exercised the old bones
and crawled to the corner shop
today, the entrance was full;...like the line breaks you have used
little arse-biting twelve year olds.
Scruffy cunts all, and cheeky with it.
'Give us a fag you fat cunt.'
'Give us a fiver you old goaty bastard.'
All of them threatening
like yellowed teeth
in a monster's maw. ..like the word choice (maw is great); still deciding on how much I like the image though. I wanted something more specific than "monster"

I took my cig's out and lit one.
'Here,' i said passing it.
Little Mister Pissy said 'Thanks',
then screamed as the hot coal
pierced his lips.
Once he realised what had happened
he stopped howling,
his mates gawking like geese.

The penknife hot-lips pulled out
made me cautiously chuckle....felt a little lost in these 2 lines
I clipped his ear,
and they all traipsed in...really like "traipsed"
behind me, like some kind of grey worm;
while a bought a Daily Star ...think you mean "I" instead of "a"
then wriggled out when i left.

'Oy you! you fucker?'
the worm head shouted...."worm head" wasn't my favorite, but I'm struggling for an alternative
Turning i asked 'What'...not sure all of these details are necessary in this line
'Av you gotta light please'
he begged.

I wasn't fully sure what I was supposed to take away from this; just took it as a critique/ observation of a population. liked the closing line a lot. I did get a little confused in the 3rd stanza opening, which is probably just a poor reading on my end or just my naive nature. sorry i can't be much more helpful beyond that

[billy]

thanks for the feedback as alway,
hot lips was the one who got the cig put out on his lips.

yeah it should have been an I,
will look and ponder the other stuf you mention

[Philatone]

that is what I figured, ok.

I gave it another fresh read this morning, and it makes much more sense (sometimes, you read a line in a certain way and it just becomes difficult to see it in a new one). think the order of the line threw me off: it puts the object (penknife) and subject (hot-lips) before the verb , so I was trying to see it in a more natural order-- that changes a lot. much, much clearer to me now; sorry it took so long!

[Erthona]

Billy,

Sorry I haven't critiqued this sooner, but I've been somewhat low on energy, well, more so than usual

A nice little romp, although reads more as prose, like a scene in a short story.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Problematic parts:

"All of them threatening
like yellowed teeth
in a monster's maw."

Mainly the lineation. Probably would work better as an unbroken line, or at least the last two:

All of them threatening like
yellowed teeth in a monster's maw.

It creates a bit of a disconnect when you have

"All of them threatening"

which could be a final clause on the previous thought, instead of the beginning of a new one. Something like

"There were all sorts of hooligans, fat, thin, short, tall
all of them threatening."

Because it is not obviously attached to the following lines, it causes a pause in the reading to figure out if it is pointing
fore or aft.

Most people would probably not even be aware of that, but even if it occurs on an unconscious level it is still disruptive to the reading. After the big and obvious stuff like grammar, form, word choice and usage, spelling and so on are dealt with, this is the next major level of impact on a poem, and such things can take what could be a great poem and turn it into a so-so poem, although must people will not be able to explain why.

I think on the whole I would use a somewhat longer line, as what you are using seems ad hoc, and doesn't really enhance the reading in any way I can see. You are not writing in staccato or terse phrases, nor does it seem dialectical. I think going with natural breaks would better than trying to create cuteness by artificial enjambment, and other such devices, as this is natural speech and should follow that pattern. Usually dialogue should be set apart, Maybe italicized as well.

Example:


"I exercised the old bones and crawled to the corner shop today,
the entrance was full of little arse-biting twelve year olds.
Scruffy cunts all, and cheeky with it.

'Give us a fag you fat cunt.'

'Give us a fiver you old goaty bastard.'

All of them threatening like the yellowed teeth in a monster's maw."


Something like that.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Maybe want to use quote marks and capitalize the nick name so it is less confusing.

The penknife "Hot-Lips" pulled out
made me cautiously chuckle

---------------------------------------------------------
"worm head" possibly "Hot-Lips, now acting as the head of the worm"

So:

then wriggled out when I left.

'Oy you! you fucker?'

Hot-Lips, now acting as the head of the worm shouted.
Turning I asked,

'What?'

'ave you gotta light please?'

he begged.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Probably need to identify the antagonist a little earlier, so the reader knows who "Little Mister Pissy" is, like:

a pissy looking teenage boy yelled,

"'Give us a fiver you old goaty bastard.'"


---------------------------------------------------------------------
You probably need to give up the non capping of your "I".

You could also use a little work on writing the dialect. If the speaker is from the same locale, he will also drop his "h". Are you sure "oy", usually written as "oye" is correct, and not "aye" as in hay, but with the "h" dropped? Probably doesn't pronounce "you" as "you". More likely "ya".

Just guessing, based on what you have written, but something like:

"Giv'us ah fivah ya'ole goady bastid."

I figure the "h" and the "r" are generally dropped. Most things starting with a "g" get compressed somehow, and "t" changes to "d".



Dale

[tectak]

I exercised the old bones
and crawled to the corner shop
today, the entrance was full;think maybe fstop after"today" otherwise accept that "Today, the entrance was full" looms.
little arse-biting twelve year olds.
Scruffy cunts all, and cheeky with it. The use of character vernacular and that of the writer have become one. I do not find this strange but it leads to judgemental bias which alters or taints my critique. I hope you don't mind as Elton John once said. Twice, then he wrote down the words.
'Give us a fag you fat cunt.
'Give us a fiver you old goaty bastard.'
All of them threatening
like yellowed teeth
in a monster's maw. Yes. I am beside you right now.

I took my cig's out and lit one.
'Here,' I said passing it.
Little Mister Pissy said 'Thanks',
then screamed as the hot coal
pierced his lips.
Once he realised what had happened
he stopped howling,
his mates gawking like geese.

The penknife hot-lips pulled out
made me cautiously chuckle.
I clipped his ear,
and they all traipsed in
behind me, like some kind of grey worm;
while I bought a Daily Star
then wriggled out when I left.

'Oy you! you fucker?'
the worm head shouted.
Turning i asked 'What'
'Av you gotta light please'
he begged.

What a difference that one little word makes.Please. Unshakeable commitment verse. Story...purpose...point made. Even the use of the last word suggests triumph over the sebaceously challenged iconic yoof.
I have to say, though? and how pedantic can one man be, you do appear to have lost control of the nomadic question mark in the last stanza....er...?
Best,
Tectak

[billy]

thanks for the feedback tectak.

will sort will use your suggestions.

[billy]

i think i went too far in listening to Dale but i like it. once i started i couldn't stop. i tried to sort out the question mark at the end. while it is different i do agree with Dales advice on bringing parts of it out more. if anyone has any other ideas? i do realize it's verging on prose but i'm okay with that.

I exercised the old bones
and crawled to the corner shop today.
The entrance full of little arse-biting twelve year olds.
Scruffy cunts all, and cheeky with it.

'Give us a fag you fat cunt.'

'Give us a fiver you old goaty bastard.'

they took turns with their threats
All of them threatening like yellowed teeth in a monster's maw.
I took my cig's out and lit one for the alpha child.

'Here,' I said to Little Mister Pissy

who said 'Thanks',

then screamed as the glowing ash
drew blisters on his lips.
It took time for him to stop wailing
his mates gawking like geese.

The penknife "hot-lips" pulled out made me chuckle
I passed him and cautiously clipped his ear.

They all traipsed in behind me, like some kind of grey worm;
while I bought a Daily Star
then wriggled out behind me when I left.

'Oy you! you fucker'

Turning i asked 'What'

'Av you gotta light please?'
'hot lips begged' begged.

Original:


I exercised the old bones
and crawled to the corner shop
today, the entrance was full;
little arse-biting twelve year olds.
Scruffy cunts all, and cheeky with it.
'Give us a fag you fat cunt.'
'Give us a fiver you old goaty bastard.'
All of them threatening
like yellowed teeth
in a monster's maw.

I took my cig's out and lit one.
'Here,' I said passing it.
Little Mister Pissy said 'Thanks',
then screamed as the hot coal
pierced his lips.
Once he realised what had happened
he stopped howling,
his mates gawking like geese.

The penknife hot-lips pulled out
made me cautiously chuckle.
I clipped his ear,
and they all traipsed in
behind me, like some kind of grey worm;
while I bought a Daily Star
then wriggled out when I left.

'Oy you! you fucker?'
the worm head shouted.

Turning i asked 'What?'

'ave you gotta light please'

he begged.