My Father's absence:

[billy]

1st edit. rewrote the 1st stanza, removed L6 of the original. tried adding a transitional couplet after stanza three. mostly i used geoff's ideas because i agreed with them

Dandelions lay
crushed to the side of my dad's boot.
I turned to run,
not before he sailed it
up my laughing arse.

Mum saw it happen;
dad almost shat when she screamed.
"If you hurt that boy!"

He became meek when she hollered;
meek enough for me to six his nuts
kung fu panda style.
We always laughed when he clutched his cluster

We always hurt each other unintentionally
it didn't matter, most times it brought us together

I fell one time and busted up my leg bad
Pop acted as though it was his leg that broke
"Don't tell her what happened," he asked.
I didn't, the doctor from the hospital did.

We fought lions together
and pinned our pain on each other.
Real soldiers me and dad--
he left me his medals.

the original
My Father's absence:

Dandelions almost crushed
listed to the side of my dad's boot.
I turned to run, but not before
he sailed it up my laughing arse.

Mum saw it happen
through different eyes than mine;
dad almost shat when she screamed.
"If you hurt that boy!"

He became meek when she hollered;
meek enough for me to six his nuts
kung fu panda style.
We always laughed when he clutched his cluster

I fell one time and busted up my leg bad
Pop acted as though it was his leg that broke
"Don't tell her what happened," he asked.
I didn't, the doctor from the hospital did.

We fought lions together
and pinned our pain on each other.
Real soldiers me and dad--
he left me his medals.

[heslopian]

A funny and moving poem of childhood. I love the lines about the mother and how her husband feared her. They remind me of my own mother, who terrified any neighbour who dared to upset her kids (I think she had a reputation as a dangerous lunatic). The "kung fu panda" line put a big goofy smile on my face, and the last verse is poignant to the point of heartache.
Thanks for the read.

[billy]

thanks for the reply jack.

[Philatone]

hello billy

I realize it's mild critique and tried to keep it toned down, but I couldn't hold back because I like what you have. see if any of the suggestions resonate with you

Dandelions almost crushed ...this is my personal preference butting in, but "almost" always strikes me as a word that weakens
listed to the side of my dad's boot.
I turned to run, but not before
he sailed it up my laughing arse....debated removing this line; think it adds a little tension if you jump right to what your mum saw

Mum saw it happen
through different eyes than mine;...i get the idea...but it is somewhat redundant with the line before
dad almost shat when she screamed.
"If you hurt that boy!"

He became meek when she hollered;
meek enough for me to six his nuts
kung fu panda style.
We always laughed when he clutched his cluster.../c/ sounds are great

...transition here?

I fell one time and busted up my leg bad
Pop acted as though it was his leg that broke
"Don't tell her what happened," he asked.
I didn't, the doctor from the hospital did....could even cut out the "I didn't"

We fought lions together
and pinned our pain on each other.
Real soldiers me and dad--
he left me his medals. [b]...interesting play, "me and dad" with "medals"

[billy]

agree with you on the L1, L6, though i saw horse play, and she saw something else, L16 i'm not so sure of as it may make the narrative less narrative-like; but i'll think about it.

wasn't sure what the [...transition here] referred to

thanks for the feedback as always geoff

[Philatone]

transition was meant to mean that I felt as though I was missing something when I went from the stanza before to the stanza after. you were describing one story, then this other one blindsided me; not sure if others feel that same, but that is how it struck me

[billy]

thanks for the quick reply and for saying what you thought, i'll have a good look at it later and see if i can do anything to improve it

[billy]

just done the 1st edit?

[Philatone]

first thing I notice, just looking at the poem, it feels slightly unbalanced. not sure if that's a big deal for your intentions, but the line lengths from end to end are a bit shifty, even mid-stanza.

my last comment is that the new stanza feels a bit too summative for my liking. Maybe finding a new subject besides We, He, She, etc. could give it a bit more energy; otherwise, I feel as though it is trying to capture too many moments and put everything together.

again, just my take. I'm fine with the other adjustments