All that we have ( is all that we have left)edit .001 erthona,roy

[tectak]

I once met a man who said that he knew me, he knew we had shared things long years ago.
He said he was certain that we had been comrades and that we had such secrets no others should know.
As we tarried together I thought him familiar, I felt and believed I had had met him before;
but strangely the memories just would not gather, would not fit together as if there was more
hidden deep in his soul, to which I was not privy. I sighed and felt calmed by the night in his eyes,
as the silence between us became analgesic, like vision unchanged clouds over then dies.
I asked him to give me some strong recollections, some memorable moments to unlock my mind.
Then he looked at me sternly, his eyes looked to my eyes, and for barely an instant I felt I was blind.
Blind to the past and to all that had made me, blind to the roads and pathways I’d walked.
Blind to the options and choices time gave me, just drifting along as the road of life forked.
Then softly he whispered, and this was his moment, that we had a destiny yet to be found
and all that we have is all we have left; our baggage and trophies left strewn around
in the ditches and verges of the long road to no where, where naked and perfect we walk to our goal.
Then slowly he vanished , as the glass became misted, and the mirror no longer laid bare his soul.

Tectak 2006

[Roy Hobbs]

Tectak 2006
***
Suggestions are just that ...

I would turn this to the paratactic and the
paratactic only. Your choice for asyndeton
or polysyndeton or mixed-- but paratactic.

Most of it is paratactic, but turn it all to.
**
I once met a man who said {{that}} he knew me,
he knew we had shared things long years long ago.
He said he was certain {{that}} we had been comrades
and {{that}} we had such secrets no others should know.
**
I once met a man who said he knew me,
and he knew of things shared long ago.
He said he was certain we had been comrades,
and held such secrets no others should know.
**
Every predication in this poem ought stand
on the same level as every other without the
'slightest hint of causal connection.' The clas-
sic definition of parataxis has it, " .. with-
out the slightest hint of 'clausal' connection."

But in prose-poetry we must have clausal connec-
tion to satisfy the narrative.

Delighted,
rh

[Erthona]

Your a bad boy Tom,

I like the title. The poem I like less. The title has more substance than the poem. The poem seems an explanation of an apothegm which really needs no explanation.

In terms of the poem, I see no reason to put four foot lines of accentual verse side by side and pretend they are eight foot lines, especially to the point of ending a sentence in the middle of the line. I've been tolerate in some cases of your long lines but this is pure affectation and puts an undue burden on the reader.

I once met a man who said he knew me,
he knew we'd shared things long years long ago.
He said he was certain we'd been comrades
and we had such secrets no others should know.

Why do you try my patience?

Dale

[tectak]

Tectak 2006
***
Suggestions are just that ...

I would turn this to the paratactic and the
paratactic only. Your choice for asyndeton
or polysyndeton or mixed-- but paratactic.

Most of it is paratactic, but turn it all to.
**
I once met a man who said {{that}} he knew me,
he knew we had shared things long years long ago.
He said he was certain {{that}} we had been comrades
and {{that}} we had such secrets no others should know.
**
I once met a man who said he knew me,
and he knew of things shared long ago.
He said he was certain we had been comrades,
and held such secrets no others should know.
**
Every predication in this poem ought stand
on the same level as every other without the
'slightest hint of causal connection.' The clas-
sic definition of parataxis has it, " .. with-
out the slightest hint of 'clausal' connection."

But in prose-poetry we must have clausal connec-
tion to satisfy the narrative.

Delighted,
rh

You are more right than wrong. The "reportage" in this one served me well and was initially quite deliberate........hence the remoteness of the first person. I was trying to avoid making obvious that this was by way of a soliloquy; a man talking to a stranger in a mirror.
So I take your point. The piece has matured ( or I have) and can now happily accept that parataxis rules OK.
I will adjust accordingly. Edit will follow.
Many thanks. I do not normally roll over this easily but am a sucker for reason
Best.
Tectak

---

Your a bad boy Tom,

I like the title. The poem I like less. The title has more substance than the poem. The poem seems an explanation of an apothegm which really needs no explanation.

In terms of the poem, I see no reason to put four foot lines of accentual verse side by side and pretend they are eight foot lines, especially to the point of ending a sentence in the middle of the line. I've been tolerate in some cases of your long lines but this is pure affectation and puts an undue burden on the reader.

I once met a man who said he knew me,
he knew we'd shared things long years long ago.
He said he was certain we'd been comrades
and we had such secrets no others should know.

Why do you try my patience?

Dale

---

Your a bad boy Tom,

I like the title. The poem I like less. The title has more substance than the poem. The poem seems an explanation of an apothegm which really needs no explanation.

In terms of the poem, I see no reason to put four foot lines of accentual verse side by side and pretend they are eight foot lines, especially to the point of ending a sentence in the middle of the line. I've been tolerate in some cases of your long lines but this is pure affectation and puts an undue burden on the reader.

I once met a man who said he knew me,
he knew we'd shared things long years long ago.
He said he was certain we'd been comrades
and we had such secrets no others should know.

Why do you try my patience?

Dale

I think long thoughts.........and anyway, the bloody reader ought to be burdened It is tough enough writing stuff which my dog likes without trying to please the sentient critics.......oh, all right.
I will change it but one day.....when you are least expecting it....I will get my recompense (sic).
Best,
Tom

[Philatone]

hey tec, I hope this finds you well

I once met a man who said that he knew me, he knew we had shared things long years long ago.
He said he was certain that we had been comrades and that we had such secrets no others should know.
As we tarried together I thought him familiar, I thought and believed I had had met him before;
But strangely the memories just would not gather, would not fit together as if there was more
Hidden deep in his soul, to which I was not privy. I sighed and felt calmed by the night in his eyes,...to this point, I'm not sure if this is the best form for the piece. a straight narrative or prose itself could offer some advantages
As the silence between us became analgesic, like vision unchanged clouds over then dies.
I asked him to give me some strong recollections, some memorable moments to unlock my mind.
Then he looked at me sternly, his eyes looked to my eyes, and for barely an instant I felt I was blind.
Blind to the past and to all that had made me, blind to the roads and pathways I’d walked...this strikes me as too much. too broad, too telling, too much of a summary
Blind to the options and choices time gave me, just drifting along as the road of life forked.
Then softly he whispered, and this was his moment, that we had a destiny yet to be found
And that all that we have is all we have left; our baggage and trophies left strewn around
In the ditches and verges of the long road to no where, where naked and perfect we walk to our goal.
Then slowly he vanished , as the glass became misted, and the mirror no longer laid bare his soul.

Tectak 2006

I get the idea, but i'm not satisfied with the execution. Perhaps seeing the piece broken up into a new way could give me a fresh perspective. a number of the ideas struck as borderline-cliche (e.g., the road metaphors, the being "blind"). overall, i have to say that I was wanting more, and know that I could have gotten it...

[Erthona]

"but one day.....when you are least expecting it....I will get my recompense (sic)."

No doubt!

[billy]

the long lines don't really work for me, it makes the piece feel weak,
i also thing it could be paired down some, quite a few words that feel as though they're there just for meter.
there also feels to be too much being said about the same thing. specially n the blind section. while it reads as decent narrative it doesn't feel like it reads as good as could were it broken into smaller chunks (lines and stanza)
it is better than i could write but that's no commendation

thanks for the read.