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Threads: 14
Joined: Mar 2012
I listen to her music
and I feel the lyric
banding expanding
inside her
between spaces her knees
open in carnal motion wider
a professor walking
to a room away faint
we hear his talking
my girl is breathing
whispering
fingers tilling
herself in soil
unfolding spaces
between her words
coming slowing
easy the filling
and all the field each beside
and insiding is lowing
swelling and melting
that hidden cup
holding wisdoms of Athena
speaking lyric for melodies
mocking certainties of knowledge
potations of brutal knowledge
when desire
bruising her lips
once before upstairs
in an unused library room
and here
a perfect and similar place
now the look of dread
comes sweet tearing
upon her face
in his room mister professor
must be speaking flocking
his sheep about him
taking seating and roll
and on the chalkboard scroll
what the thunder said
feel my girl tightening
and glowing growing
glowing
her gasping relieving
catches of passio
in my head
so still she brings me music
and her hair
has strung hanging
my hands searching
throat circling
fingers digging releasing
pressing
and she nodding
allowing pleading
asking she wanting
desiring to please me
by dying
her mouth spitting
and draining
panties piss soaking
eyes back rolling
death and I coming
I hear a librarian calling
closing time
Posts: 478
Threads: 56
Joined: Oct 2011
hello roy
wanted to take a little stab at this one
(03-22-2012, 03:28 AM)Roy Hobbs Wrote: I listen to her music
and I feel the lyric
banding expanding
inside her
between spaces her knees
open in carnal motion wider...liked those words, "carnal motion"
a professor walking
to a room away faint
we hear his talking ...something felt amiss in this stanza. perhaps "faintly" instead? punctuation?
my girl is breathing
whispering
fingers tilling
herself in soil ...like the allusion to nature; I admit I want it to continue for the whole stanza in a way
unfolding spaces
between her words
coming slowing
easy the filling
and all the field each beside
and insiding is lowing...been awhile since I've seen "lowing," think it is a perfect word for the case
swelling and melting
that hidden cup
holding wisdoms of Athena
speaking lyric for melodies
mocking certainties of knowledge
potations of brutal knowledge
when desire
bruising her lips
once before upstairs
in an unused library room
and here
a perfect and similar place
now the look of dread
comes sweet tearing
upon her face
in his room mister professor
must be speaking flocking
his sheep about him
taking seating and roll
and on the chalkboard scroll
what the thunder said ...getting a lot of religious imagery here especially; interesting for a library in a way, but maybe not
feel my girl tightening
and glowing growing
glowing
her gasping relieving
catches of passio
in my head
so still she brings me music
and her hair
has strung hanging
my hands searching
throat circling
fingers digging releasing
pressing ...again, here I wanted a little more around the theme of that first image, "music"
and she nodding
allowing pleading
asking she wanting
desiring to please me
by dying...great
her mouth spitting
and draining
panties piss soaking
eyes back rolling
death and I coming
I hear a librarian calling
closing time...really enjoyed the close
for what it is, I think you have a fine work here. nice to see a little experimentation, especially with a verb form that can get a bad reputation
Written only for you to consider.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
passio?
Well, that fairly gruesome. Sexual sadisming!
The use of "potations" seems a bit over the top, as there are several more common words that would convey the same thing, as there are no connotative aspects of the word to recommend it over others.
Overall it has a nice pace, although the energy seems to go a little limp towards then end
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 43
Threads: 14
Joined: Mar 2012
for what it is, I think you have a fine work here. nice to see a little experimentation, especially with a verb form that can get a bad reputation
[/quote]
Entirely an experiment.
Thanks for the reply.
(03-22-2012, 04:18 PM)Erthona Wrote: passio?
Well, that fairly gruesome. Sexual sadisming!
The use of "potations" seems a bit over the top, as there are several more common words that would convey the same thing, as there are no connotative aspects of the word to recommend it over others.
Overall it has a nice pace, although the energy seems to go a little limp towards then end
Dale
"limp toward the end"-- limp for sure
at the end.
Yes, potations now seems the wrong word--
back in the closset this goes
Thanks for the reply.
