at the artisan's

[Philatone]

V. 4
edits: marigolds return to S. 1
dropped the "I think" from S. 3
moved up "separates" in S.3
added stanza "or a thought...watched"
changed "bite" to "bit"

at the artisan's

In front of the painter
who lunches at a workbench
brushed with blue marigolds

the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits,
their eyes vacant as seashells.

A wall between us
and the artist separates
those who browse
from those who buy,

as we sample from the oiled orchard
a bit of every apple

every canvas of gold
and ruby flesh

without a basket
to weigh and carry home

or a thought
we might be watched.

The clatter of a fork suggests
we interrupted another meal
just to look and leave
compliments, hanging
on the doorknob to dry.













---------------------------------------------------
V. 3
edits: removed first line
changed first "artist" to "painter"
deleted "saves her..guilt"
added "clatter of a fork"
changed "she" to "we" in S.4


at the artisan's

In front of the painter
who lunches at a workbench

the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits,
their eyes vacant as seashells.

I think the wall between us
and the artist
separates those who browse
from those who buy,

as we sample from the oiled orchard
a bite of every apple

every canvass of gold
and ruby flesh

without a basket
to weigh and carry home.

The clatter of a fork suggests
we interrupted another meal
just to look and leave
compliments, hanging
on the doorknob to dry.



-------------------------

V. 2
played with line breaks
removed "another room"
removed "with", added "their" to line 3, S. 2

at the artisan's

Judging a painting of a marigold
in front of the artist
who lunches at a workbench

the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits,
their eyes vacant as seashells.
I think the wall between us

and the artist
saves her from the guilt that separates
those who browse
from those who buy,

as she samples from the oiled orchard
a bite of every apple

every canvass of gold
and ruby flesh

without a basket
to weigh and carry home,

because we interrupted another meal
just to look and leave
compliments, hanging
on the doorknob to dry.




Original

Judging a painting of a marigold
in front of the artist
who lunches at a workbench

the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits with eyes
as vacant as seashells
I think the wall.

between us
and the artist

saves her from the guilt that separates
those who browse
from those who buy,

as she samples from the oiled orchard
a bite of every apple

every canvass of gold
and ruby flesh

without a basket
to weigh and carry home,

because we interrupted another meal
just to look and leave
compliments, hanging
on the doorknob to dry.

[billy]

i could love this a whole lot more if the enjambment worked better,

ie;
the woman I will marry
guides me towards portraits
with eyes as vacant as seashells
in another room. I think the wall

does she have vacant eyes? would the last line end better at think? just a couple of suggestions.
i like the words you've laid down, i'm just not buzzed by the order, (of course this could be a fault of me the reader)
i don't think it would take a large edit to tweak it a little.
out of all of it i think the last stanza is the best.

thanks for the read

[Todd]

Hi Geoff,

I'll try to come back to this later, but one quick comment

When I read the seashells line I thought it was great when I got to the in another room part I thought it detracted from the earlier image. I would consider cutting that phrase and let the image stand simply and in my opinion (and that's all it is) more powerfully.

I hope to come back to this.

Best,

Todd

[Philatone]

billy

played around the breaks; let me know if they seem off. I think i cleared up the "eyes" bit, and I like the breaks better now. agree with your comments on the last stanza; thank you for your time


todd
thanks for the quick note. agreed with you on the "another room". my only concern is that "the wall" makes sense, but I think it does. appreciate your time

[Erthona]

Geoff,

I like this idea, and some of the images are nice. However, I can't say I care for the continuous line with the various enjambments.

I thought that this was a needlessly difficult passage:

"I think the wall between us and the artist saves her from the guilt that separates
those who browse from those who buy..."

Partly the line "Judging a painting" sets this up to be difficult as it gave me the wrong impression about what was occurring. It made me think that a contest was going on and she was the judge, and thus she was not one of those who browse or buy. This not a difficult concept, it is purely a part of the narration and should not be so difficult.

I do really like that she "samples" the painted apples, I think that works well.

Dale

[Philatone]

dale

agreed with your thoughts on that line being a tad unwieldy. shortened it in a way that keeps about the same meaning I hope. also removed the first line as perhaps it was a bit extra

thanks for the read and input

[Erthona]

Geoff,

That's clearer.
-------------------------------------------

Here is how I am reading what you have written. Does this match what you mean to say, or are you trying to say something different?


"In front of the painter
who lunches at his workbench

the woman I will marry
guides me towards the portraits:
eyes vacant as seashells.

A wall separates us
from the artist:
dividing those who guiltily browse
--enjoying his labor for free--
from those who buy.

She samples the oiled orchard:
a bite of every apple..."

-------------------------------------------------
Geoff,

why is it just "she" who samples? Why not "we"? The speaker is obviously there with the "woman who he will marry", so why is this not a joint experience. She can guide, but both would partake (this also acts as a nice metaphor for the roles of men and women in at least some marriages, certainly it can echo the "Adam and Eve" story).


"We sample the oiled orchard:
a bit of every apple..."


Dale

[Philatone]

don't know why I didn't see it. I was rather steadfast in separating the speaker and the woman, but I think the poem does give more if they are together. really appreciate the suggestion; i have nothing to alter with your interpretation

appreciate the time and patience with this piece

[Leanne]

Hi Geoff, sorry to come in so late but I'm pleased to see that this poem is evolving nicely. I do miss the marigolds from the very first version though -- not the judging of them, just the flower image in contrast to the portraits. What about something like "there is a marigold in front of the painter"?

The one thing that really distracts me is "I think" in S3. This seems weak. We know "I/you think", because it's the speaker's perspective. I don't feel that anything is lost by removing those words.

Any reason why canvass has two esses? Unless you're taking a poll... which actually kind of works...

I get the feeling this is the first time the speaker has met the woman he will marry -- in other words, set eyes on her and decided "that's the one for me" -- but I can always be wrong, of course! Regardless, I've enjoyed it, thanks for letting me play (like you had a choice!)

[Philatone]

i was in the middle of another edit which cut the "I" out; glad you agree. as to the marigold, I agree that it would provide contrast; i'll see what I can do. as to "canvass,", I really have no excuses. I think my students' spelling is rubbing off on me.
appreciate your time, what you consider playing puts me (thankfully) to work

[Leanne]

"blue marigolds" is an even better contrast -- two thumbs up on that one!