Six Feet Wide and Seven Feet Under

[madibea]

Six Feet Wide and Seven Feet Under
By Madi Bea

Seven feet under I lie
Covered in fears and dirt.

One mistake is all it takes,
A shell fallen short of mark,
That we learned the hard way.
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies.

Men scream and cry,
Bleed and die.
Some even give in to their bullets.

My eyes venture across the empty battlefield,
Weapon in my left hand,
Picture in the right,
Those baby blue eyes keeping me sane.

Her smile and laughter fill my dreams,
Halting time for just awhile.
I’m woken with a start of wonder and commotion.
The men have just begun to fight,
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds,
Soon becoming the only thing I hear.

My eyes venture across the dusty battlefield
Blanketed with dust, it appears to be full of clouds.
But those clouds are splattered with blood
The bright red blood of my fellow men.

The thought enters my mind as the bullet enters my body.
The clouds are splattered with bright red blood,
The blood of my comrades,
The blood of my enemies,
My blood.

Seven feet under I lie
Covered in fears and dirt.

[billy]

will get back to give it some feedback later when i have a bit of spare time
it's never good to poll your poem hehe. people will troll if they can get away with it. normally you'll get a good idea through the feedback they give.

[madibea]

will get back to give it some feedback later when i have a bit of spare time
it's never good to poll your poem hehe. people will troll if they can get away with it. normally you'll get a good idea through the feedback they give.

well that's embarrassing! haha whoops! is there any way to remove it somehow?

[billy]

will get back to give it some feedback later when i have a bit of spare time
it's never good to poll your poem hehe. people will troll if they can get away with it. normally you'll get a good idea through the feedback they give.

well that's embarrassing! haha whoops! is there any way to remove it somehow?

i can sort it out for you

[addy]

A great effort, Madi and I do love the subject matter that you chose. The narrative lends it a nice tension and immediacy, while at the same time the POV introspection softens it a lot. Here are a few thoughts
(take note this is my own personal evaluation of the piece; use the bits of advice that genuinely help you and your vision, and take everything else with a grain of salt)

Six Feet Wide and Seven Feet Under
By Madi Bea

Seven feet under I lie comma here?
Covered in fears and dirt. Wonderful lines, imo

One mistake is all it takes,
A shell fallen short of mark,
That we learned the hard way.
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies. How do you feel about abbreviating this? Maybe something like “One mistake is all it takes; // the shell fallen short of mark // still rings through or bodies.”

Men scream and cry,
Bleed and die.
Some even get rid of “even” give in to their bullets.

My eyes venture across the empty battlefield,
Weapon in my left hand,
Picture in the right,
Those baby blue eyes keeping me sane.

Her smile and laughter fill my dreams, A little bit cliche
Halting time for just awhile.
I’m woken with a start of wonder and commotion. I think you should get rid of this line. The stanza’s flow from poignant to tense works beautifully without it, imo
The men have just begun to fight,
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds,
Soon becoming the only thing I hear.

My eyes venture across the dusty battlefield This repeats the fourth stanza opening, but is there a significance to the mirroring? What ideas in stanza four and six do you wish to connect/ contrast by recalling it?
Blanketed with dust, it appears to be full of clouds.
But those clouds are splattered with blood
The bright red blood of my fellow men.You do quite some repetition here too, with the words “cloud” and “blood” being repeated in immediately subsequent lines. Normally repeating words is distracting, but in this case it’s distracting in the right way, giving the effect of a narrator descending into stilted panic. You can edit this to make the narrator’s thoughts even more gripping and desperate, if you want

The thought enters my mind as the bullet enters Maybe “exits” would give it more punch? my body.
The clouds are splattered with bright red blood,
The blood of my comrades,
The blood of my enemies,
My blood.

Seven feet under I lie
Covered in fears and dirt. Nice mirroring in this part

Since you’re new to the forums, I'm wondering if perhaps you'd like to post your stuff at the Mild Critique Section first-- the feedback there is moderate, and more broadstroke. The Serious Critique Section is usually the place where readers get to whip out their red pens and really tear into a piece, so if you're not prepared for really tough feedback from the get-go it might be an overwhelming experience. However you want to do it is cool with us, though, as long as it helps you with your writing

Hope to see more of your work, Madi!

[billy]

Six Feet Wide and Seven Feet Under
By Madi Bea

Seven feet under I lie
Covered in fears and dirt.

One mistake is all it takes,
A shell fallen short of mark, would this line work best as the 3rd
That we learned the hard way. would this line work better as the 2nd
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies.

Men scream and cry,
Bleed and die. this line and the line above feel cliche
Some even give in to their bullets. this is a good solid line

My eyes venture across the empty battlefield,
Weapon in my left hand,
Picture in the right,
Those baby blue eyes keeping me sane. 2nd use of eyes, and baby blues are cliche, could another descriptor work?

Her smile and laughter fill my dreams,
Halting time for just awhile. is 'just' needed?
I’m woken with a start of wonder and commotion.
The men have just begun to fight, another 'just'
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds, would a comma help after 'chests'
Soon becoming the only thing I hear.

My eyes venture across the dusty battlefield
Blanketed with dust, it appears to be full of clouds.
But those clouds are splattered with blood
The bright red blood of my fellow men. would 'blanketed with dust and blood spattered clouds' work

The thought enters my mind as the bullet enters my body.
The clouds are splattered with bright red blood,
The blood of my comrades,
The blood of my enemies,
My blood.

Seven feet under I lie i'm not sure the reiteration of the opening lines work as of yet
Covered in fears and dirt.

hi again Madi.
first off i'd like to say it's sometimes better to start of in the mild critique or novice forum; places many of us post. at present the critique you'd get here could overwhelm.

i do like the poem, so i would have said yes on the poll, but it needs a fair bit of work.

at present the poem has a lot of cliche (common phrases) you need to keep the poems central theme of trench warfare but make it original. add something to shock and show. jack's leg on his chest, make it graphic or poignant.

if you think the feedback is a bit harsh in this section, it's because it's used to help workshop a poets work.
the mild critique section tries to point out just one or two things that could be of help. and the novice section offers feedback via a broad outline. what i will ask is that you don't get despondent, give us a chance if you think any of us can help, just send a pm someone and ask. if they're on line they'll probably try and help. i'm on most days and so are jack and mark. other members will make good mentors too (i'm sure) if you ask them .

thanks for the read

billy

[Erthona]

For me this is a problematic piece at best, and probably not a good subject for this writer as the necessary minimum depth of understanding about the topic is not in evidence. While it is admirable to want to stretch one's imagination, generally smaller jumps are better than large ones. For me there are areas, and will always be areas upon which I can make little or no legitimate comment, especially from an unknown or alien viewpoint. One of things a poet must learn is that even in the most (to us) mundane areas, there is always opportunity for legitimate comment, for our commonplace can be another persons exotica.
----------------------------------------------------
A number of cliche phrases: such as

-One mistake is all it takes,
-we learned the hard way.
----------------------------------------------
"Clouds of blood" yes, "clouds splattered with blood" no. Better, "blood misting the air from high velocity explosion of metal into flesh, congealing into dirty red clouds..."
-----------------------------------------------
Tense problems.

"One mistake is all it takes, (present)
A shell fallen short of mark, (past)
That we learned the hard way. (past)
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies." (present)

"One mistake is all it takes.
A shell falls short of it's mark,
and we learn the hard way.
A mistake that still rings through our bodies."
---------------------------------------------

"A shell fallen short of mark" ---not sure what this means. "it's mark"?
"Some even give in to their bullets."---or this.
----------------------------------------------

"Her smile and laughter fill my dreams" ---dream should be singular as you are speaking of just a single incident upon awakening.
"Her smile and laughter fills my dream"
--------------------------------------------------
Awkward phrasing: example

"The men have just begun to fight,
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds,
Soon becoming the only thing I hear."

The viewpoint shifts focus three times within three lines. They (the men) We (Our heartbeats), I (I hear).

Generally you want to pick a viewpoint and stick with it.
------------------------------------------------------------
For me, besides the problems with the writing, there are two main problems with this piece.
This sort of thing has been covered to the point that the subject itself is almost a cliche, and there is nothing new or fresh that is being related. I think it is good to expand yourself and try to see things through someone else s eyes, but when you are so far removed from what you are describing and have never experienced anything similar, then the only thing you have to draw upon is someone else's account, and you lack the experience to put that in context. This means you tend to come away with what is most often repeated, but without any depth in understanding of what is behind the cliches.
I think you would be better served sticking with something a little closer to home. I don't think you need to limit yourself to just your own experience, but probably something that you have had similar experiences with. As you learn and grow, you will be able to stretch further away from your personal experience, because you will develop the ability to project empathy into what you describe, giving it the necessary realism to make it believable, and which is lacking here.


Dale

[madibea]

A great effort, Madi and I do love the subject matter that you chose. The narrative lends it a nice tension and immediacy, while at the same time the POV introspection softens it a lot. Here are a few thoughts
(take note this is my own personal evaluation of the piece; use the bits of advice that genuinely help you and your vision, and take everything else with a grain of salt)

Six Feet Wide and Seven Feet Under
By Madi Bea

Seven feet under I lie comma here?
Covered in fears and dirt. Wonderful lines, imo

One mistake is all it takes,
A shell fallen short of mark,
That we learned the hard way.
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies. How do you feel about abbreviating this? Maybe something like “One mistake is all it takes; // the shell fallen short of mark // still rings through or bodies.”

Men scream and cry,
Bleed and die.
Some even get rid of “even” give in to their bullets.

My eyes venture across the empty battlefield,
Weapon in my left hand,
Picture in the right,
Those baby blue eyes keeping me sane.

Her smile and laughter fill my dreams, A little bit cliche
Halting time for just awhile.
I’m woken with a start of wonder and commotion. I think you should get rid of this line. The stanza’s flow from poignant to tense works beautifully without it, imo
The men have just begun to fight,
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds,
Soon becoming the only thing I hear.

My eyes venture across the dusty battlefield This repeats the fourth stanza opening, but is there a significance to the mirroring? What ideas in stanza four and six do you wish to connect/ contrast by recalling it?
Blanketed with dust, it appears to be full of clouds.
But those clouds are splattered with blood
The bright red blood of my fellow men.You do quite some repetition here too, with the words “cloud” and “blood” being repeated in immediately subsequent lines. Normally repeating words is distracting, but in this case it’s distracting in the right way, giving the effect of a narrator descending into stilted panic. You can edit this to make the narrator’s thoughts even more gripping and desperate, if you want

The thought enters my mind as the bullet enters Maybe “exits” would give it more punch? my body.
The clouds are splattered with bright red blood,
The blood of my comrades,
The blood of my enemies,
My blood.

Seven feet under I lie
Covered in fears and dirt. Nice mirroring in this part

Since you’re new to the forums, I'm wondering if perhaps you'd like to post your stuff at the Mild Critique Section first-- the feedback there is moderate, and more broadstroke. The Serious Critique Section is usually the place where readers get to whip out their red pens and really tear into a piece, so if you're not prepared for really tough feedback from the get-go it might be an overwhelming experience. However you want to do it is cool with us, though, as long as it helps you with your writing

Hope to see more of your work, Madi!

Thanks so much for all of the help! I'm pretty good at taking some criticism and looking at my own work in a new way so I thought I'd try something tough first! Next time I'll try the mild critique and see how it goes. (:

Thanks again!

---

Six Feet Wide and Seven Feet Under
By Madi Bea

Seven feet under I lie
Covered in fears and dirt.

One mistake is all it takes,
A shell fallen short of mark, would this line work best as the 3rd
That we learned the hard way. would this line work better as the 2nd
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies.

Men scream and cry,
Bleed and die. this line and the line above feel cliche
Some even give in to their bullets. this is a good solid line

My eyes venture across the empty battlefield,
Weapon in my left hand,
Picture in the right,
Those baby blue eyes keeping me sane. 2nd use of eyes, and baby blues are cliche, could another descriptor work?

Her smile and laughter fill my dreams,
Halting time for just awhile. is 'just' needed?
I’m woken with a start of wonder and commotion.
The men have just begun to fight, another 'just'
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds, would a comma help after 'chests'
Soon becoming the only thing I hear.

My eyes venture across the dusty battlefield
Blanketed with dust, it appears to be full of clouds.
But those clouds are splattered with blood
The bright red blood of my fellow men. would 'blanketed with dust and blood spattered clouds' work

The thought enters my mind as the bullet enters my body.
The clouds are splattered with bright red blood,
The blood of my comrades,
The blood of my enemies,
My blood.

Seven feet under I lie i'm not sure the reiteration of the opening lines work as of yet
Covered in fears and dirt.

hi again Madi.
first off i'd like to say it's sometimes better to start of in the mild critique or novice forum; places many of us post. at present the critique you'd get here could overwhelm.

i do like the poem, so i would have said yes on the poll, but it needs a fair bit of work.

at present the poem has a lot of cliche (common phrases) you need to keep the poems central theme of trench warfare but make it original. add something to shock and show. jack's leg on his chest, make it graphic or poignant.

if you think the feedback is a bit harsh in this section, it's because it's used to help workshop a poets work.
the mild critique section tries to point out just one or two things that could be of help. and the novice section offers feedback via a broad outline. what i will ask is that you don't get despondent, give us a chance if you think any of us can help, just send a pm someone and ask. if they're on line they'll probably try and help. i'm on most days and so are jack and mark. other members will make good mentors too (i'm sure) if you ask them .

thanks for the read

billy

Looking at it now I definitely agree, a lot of my words are a bit cliche and I wish I had been a bit more creative! It can be a bit harsh on this section but I'm not afraid of a bit of criticism! (: It was great getting to see this from another persons view so thanks for the advice!

Madi

[Leanne]

Hello Madi, and welcome . I already like your attitude, it's a great one for a poet (or anyone else for that matter).

Your poem does suffer from cliches, but that's already been covered and you've had many great suggestions so I'm just going to touch on a few general points and see if they make things a bit easier for you.

Seven feet under I lie -- in free verse, since you don't have rhyme and meter to give your poem structure, sound often becomes very important. Consider the difference it would make to the sound of the poem if you had "seven feet beneath". Also, the usual tendency for readers would be to say "beneath what?", which forces them to read on and gives you a more solid hook.
Covered in fears and dirt. -- I like the simplicity of this, and I do actually like the bookend effect with the last lines of the poem, it makes it very cyclical.

One mistake is all it takes,
A shell fallen short of mark,
That we learned the hard way.
That one mistake still ringing through our bodies. -- this stanza becomes very repetitive, all the more so because the images are not very solid

Men scream and cry,
Bleed and die.
Some even give in to their bullets. -- to build your rhythm, you could consider instead:

Men scream and cry,
bleed and die,
giving in to bullets


My eyes venture across the empty battlefield, -- you don't need to say "battle-field", it detracts from the rhythms and we already know it's a battle, you might try instead:
my eyes venture wide
across the empty field

Weapon in my left hand,
Picture in the right,
Those baby blue eyes keeping me sane. -- though "baby blue eyes" is a cliche, you can also use it as a popular culture reference but you'd really have to change it to "those baby blues keeping me sane"

Her smile and laughter fill my dreams,
Halting time for just awhile.
I’m woken with a start of wonder and commotion.
The men have just begun to fight,
Our heartbeats echoing in our empty chests into our minds,
Soon becoming the only thing I hear. -- this stanza is almost all "tell" and no "show" -- think about how you can hint at these things without actually coming right out and saying "this happened then this happened and this is how I felt" (you get the idea, I'm sure!)

My eyes venture across the dusty battlefield -- the perfect chance for some repetition, I'd suggest using this line like a refrain which enhances that cyclical thing I mentioned earlier
Blanketed with dust, it appears to be full of clouds. -- this line is very long and awkward, as well as all "tell" -- "appears to be" is wasting words, just say it is and we'll believe you
But those clouds are splattered with blood
The bright red blood of my fellow men. -- this line is unnecessary, it's implied already

The thought enters my mind as the bullet enters my body.
The clouds are splattered with bright red blood,
The blood of my comrades,
The blood of my enemies,
My blood. -- you could cut the first two lines of this stanza entirely and not lose a thing

Seven feet under I lie -- obviously I'd suggest that whatever you end up with as your opening line is reflected exactly here
Covered in fears and dirt.

[ckeo]

I could swear graves are six feet deep ?

Leanne suggested:
my eyes venture wide
across the empty field

I kinda like:
my eyes grazed wide
across the empty field

**but what do I know, i'm insane !
And.. Welcome to the Dragons Den.

[billy]

Looking at it now I definitely agree, a lot of my words are a bit cliche and I wish I had been a bit more creative! It can be a bit harsh on this section but I'm not afraid of a bit of criticism! (: It was great getting to see this from another persons view so thanks for the advice!

Madi

way to go Madi.
my suggestion would be to put stuff in the mild crit forum for now and if you have a piece you really need strong feedback with in order to give you some ideas; get it in here. don't forget to visit the just for fun section and some of the other play pits we have