hotel

[Philatone]

V. 4 Thanks to tec
number of changes; most apply to the closing stanzas

hotel

If the photograph is right,
the walls were black, the window shrunken,
and everything grey as 1935.

Our single was still a records office,
back when our door was closed by a clerk
thinking of sleep, unable
to see room for a bed or expect
a Bible in a drawer.

When we shower, I wonder
if he would sit in our chair without a desk
to crowd with folders, drafts, and pens
and be uncomfortable;

if he ever wanted to wash away
the smell of ink and numbers
before returning to a wife,

as if the sound of us
could wake him
eighty years ago.





V. 3 thanks to Todd and billy
S. 1: old stanza 3; the bull and bank have been removed
S. 4: added "away" before "before"
S. 5: completely new
penultimate stanza: removed "and"

hotel

If the photograph is right,
the walls were black, the window shrunken,
and everything grey as 1935. 

Our single was still a records office
back when our door was closed

by a clerk thinking of sleep, unable
to see room for a bed
beside his desk, or
expect a Bible in a drawer.

When we shower, I wonder
if he ever wanted to wash
the smell of ink and numbers
away before returning to a wife,

if he would sit in our chair,
eyeing the river bend
instead of straddling a desk;

the same chair I find myself
wanting to replace.





Original
hotel

Our single was still a records office
in a bank when a bull stormed the lobby.

During the rodeo, three men paraded
him to a trailer, as upstairs

our door was closed
by a clerk thinking of sleep, unable

to see room for a bed
beside his desk, or
expect a Bible in a drawer.

If the photograph is right,
the walls were black, the window shrunken,
and everything grey as 1935.

When we shower, I wonder
if our clerk ever wanted to wash
the smell of ink and numbers
before returning to a wife,

and if he would sit in our chair,
eyeing the river bend
instead of straddling a desk, but mostly

I wonder what it was like to be paid
for a room with a view.

[Todd]

Hi Geoff,

I struggled with the interpretation on this one. I've started these comments only to erase them and start again. I'm still not sure I'm putting the pieces together correctly, but here goes.

Taking the title into account, I think we have a couple that is sharing a room in a hotel that has been converted from a bank. I'm not sure if there is/was an actual bull or if we're saying that there was issues keeping the bank running because of a bull market? The rodeo would seem to imply that there may have been an actual incident but I'm a little unclear of what's going on in S1-2 as far as the bull is concerned.

It seems that the clerk that is taking the couple to their room may have once used the room as his office (or someone like him did). It's possible that "our clerk" refered to later is simply the narrator imagining the old use of the room and the man that used to occupy it.

Some line comments:

Our single was still a records office
in a bank when a bull stormed the lobby.

During the rodeo, three men paraded
him to a trailer, as upstairs--I've already mentioned my interpretation issues with S1-2. Not understanding the lead in fully, I'd be tempted to focus on the clerk right from the beginning since he seems the point of the piece. That said, I'm just as likely missing something crucial so possibly disregard what I'm saying here.

our door was closed
by a clerk thinking of sleep, unable--I like the detail of "thinking of sleep" and the way you use unable to imply unable to sleep and to play off the next strophe

to see room for a bed
beside his desk, or
expect a Bible in a drawer.--These are good character details it suggests someone without much imagination. He sees only what is. It's hard for him to adjust his perceptions to any other reality. It suggests something about his life.

If the photograph is right,
the walls were black, the window shrunken,
and everything grey as 1935.--I absolutely love these lines. They are the strongest in the poem. I would be tempted to begin the poem with them as the set the scene so well. It really is brilliant writing

When we shower, I wonder--This might but does not necessarily suggest intimacy. If the word both was included after we it might suggest separate showers. I read this as showering together.
if our clerk ever wanted to wash--I think you need to add "off" to the end of this line.
the smell of ink and numbers
before returning to a wife,--This kind of gives a Walter Mitty sort of sense. The clerk is disappointed with his life or knows that his wife is. There's a sad sense here. You do a lot of nice stuff with these lines

and if he would sit in our chair,
eyeing the river bend
instead of straddling a desk, but mostly--I like all of this

I wonder what it was like to be paid
for a room with a view.--I wonder if there is a way you could condense these two lines into the previous strophe. I think you almost touch upon this idea in the previous strophe in the setup. The way the ending is written was a bit of a letdown for me. It could just be that room with a view is something I've heard before and it isn't what I'd want ot leave the reader with. It probably is mostly because your build up is much better than your conclusion (in my opinion).

I hope some of this will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[Philatone]

todd-

thanks for giving me your thought process and input. I am addressing the first two stanzas; I like the idea of switching the 5th to become to 1st, but I think it gives more of an impact in the middle of a piece rather than at a beginning. You can make arguments, but I think "grey as 1935" is tough to pull off in a first stanza (and perhaps in general--was having doubts as to how well it functioned, but it really felt perfect); I like it, but I think it needs some background in order for it to work, and pushing it too soon would lessen its depth. Just my thought. Hopefully, what I have in mind will make the intro clearer. A hint for the edit: the bull doesn't make it....

appreciate everything you wrote

[billy]

V. 2 thanks to Todd
S. 1 and 2: removed the bull and bank; combined with S3.
S. 4: added "away" before "before"
S. 5: completely new

hotel

Our single was still a records office
back when our door was closed the opening lines leaves too much work for me to do

by a clerk thinking of sleep, unable
to see room for a bed
beside his desk, or
expect a Bible in a drawer. tidy stanza but it it doesn't help the 1st any.

If the photograph is right,
the walls were black, the window shrunken,
and everything grey as 1935. for me this as an opener would open the clarity of the poem up by a factor of 5

When we shower, I wonder
if he ever wanted to wash
the smell of ink and numbers
away before returning to a wife, another solid stanza, i like the way the photograph leads to all these thoughts.

and if he would sit in our chair, is 'and' needed
eyeing the river bend
instead of straddling a desk;

the same chair I find myself
wanting to replace. a solid close, we always dislike something in a hotel room

as i said, for me the poem breaks down at the very start of me reading it. if the 3rd stanza were the 1st then it would flow really well and my stutter would fail to manifest itself. just a suggestion of course.
i think this a really solid poem that's hindered by the stanza order. jmo
thanks for the read.

[Philatone]

billy

alright, well i'm starting to see a trend in stanza order. hopefully, this will lead to a clearer read. thanks for the time and input, will have a look at that "and" as well

[tectak]

V. 3 thanks to Todd and billy
S. 1: old stanza 3; the bull and bank have been removed
S. 4: added "away" before "before"
S. 5: completely new
penultimate stanza: removed "and"

hotel

If the photograph is right,is true. The photograph is always "right" as it cannot be "wrong". It is a photograph.
the walls were black, the windfow shrunken,
and everything grey as 1935. but a good opener and a good close to the stanza.

Our single was still a records officepunctuate pleeeeeease! What does lack of punctuation add to the piece? To any piece? I am becoming a pedant and that is not good. I may give up on this cause if anyone cares. Just a comma after
"office" would make an old man very happy
back when our door was closed
and what the hell does this space signify? Is it trendy? Am I supposed to speak the way it reads?OK. Back when our door was closed........mmmmm .......zzzzzuzzzzuzzz........dooby dooby do ......by a clerk. Huh?
by a clerk thinking of sleep, unablesemi colon after sleep.Is this piece written on a till-roll? Why are the lines so short that you feel the need to change lines after"unable"?
to see room for a bed
beside his desk, or
expect a Bible in a drawer. especially when you have such great word-sense and ideas? This pseudo-caesura inducing verse form ruins the atmospheric intensity of the story by a series of near glottal stops. Not cool, not smooth. Long lines equate, almost always, to that languidity which suits recall. Memory runs on tracks, one image leading into the next.If you are sitting in a quiet place recalling old memories and you are distracted, you lose your "train of thought". Getting it back involves mental playback, one thought brings up the next. You can be aware of the process. It is this thought linkage that is destroyed by uncontrolled line chopping. Sorry. Pet hate of mine.
When we shower, I wonder
if he ever wanted to wash to wash away the smell of ....not "ink and numbers away"
the smell of ink and numbers
away before returning to a wife,

if he would sit in our chair,lovely contribution to the imagery. Smells are emotive. Cut out the line spaces, capitalise "if". Not clear where our chair came from or where its going to. River ditto. Hurried endings leave plots pending.
eyeing the river bend
instead of straddling a desk;

the same chair I find myself
wanting to replace.


I only whacked away at this one because I liked it and wanted it to do well. Corporal punishment,then.
Best,
Tectak


Original
hotel

Our single was still a records office
in a bank when a bull stormed the lobby.

During the rodeo, three men paraded
him to a trailer, as upstairs

our door was closed
by a clerk thinking of sleep, unable

to see room for a bed
beside his desk, or
expect a Bible in a drawer.

If the photograph is right,
the walls were black, the window shrunken,
and everything grey as 1935.

When we shower, I wonder
if our clerk ever wanted to wash
the smell of ink and numbers
before returning to a wife,

and if he would sit in our chair,
eyeing the river bend
instead of straddling a desk, but mostly

I wonder what it was like to be paid
for a room with a view.

[Philatone]

tec-

thanks for the time as always. some of the line breaks do have more to them than randomness, I assure you. Usually when reading, I'm more guided by punctuation first, then line breaks if I can't make sense of it. Yet I do agree, some of the lines could be extended. I hope to have a revision up in a few hours.

I thought I could bring in the chair from association with a hotel room, but perhaps it was too much of a stretch. I'll see what I can add

[Philatone]

relatively major edit

[Todd]

No nits. The revision works very well for me.

I think it's an effective rewrite.

[billy]

excellent process of editing, for me it's a much stronger more coherent piece.

[Erthona]

Geoff,

As this has already been gone over a bit, and I come to it late, I will simply state that the current version seems to clearly convey what it is you are try to convey. It creates sort of a nice duality, and for me seems to have a hint of Hitchcock or maybe the "Twilight Zone". Beyond that, I have nothing critical to say about this last version.

Dale