Last night the chain that drags 'til dawn was broken by her smile.
The sleep that heals was longer by the links unjoined; and while
the dead time lasted, and while the dark air swirled,
I held on to her, breathed her skin,
touched her sweetness, entered in,
and round her body curled.
Mine again, mine again, thank God she is mine again.
Keep the dream, die in sleep, as long as she is mine again.
Last night the chain that holds and binds was broken by her smile.
The hours of night were endless angst, an unrelenting trial.
Loosed into the loveless void, with wretched wraith-like peers,
I screamed her name, her name is life;
Then fell upon that blessed knife
called peace or death or fear.
Mine again, mine again, thank God she is mine again.
Keep the dream, die in sleep, as long as she is mine again.
(02-25-2012, 09:26 PM)tectak Wrote: Non-recurring dream --Is this the title or the first line? (Please let it be the title! [If this is the title, then why is it here? The title goes in the thread name {Please forgive me if this is the title . . . | and also if it isn't |}])
Last night the chain that drags to dawn was broken by her smile.
The sleep that heals was longer by the links unjoined; and while
the dead time lasted, and while the dark air swirled,
I held on to her, breathed her skin,
touched her sweetness, entered in,
and round her body curled.
Mine again, mine again, thank God she is mine again. --I'm fresh off a repetition lesson from abu nuwas so I have a little more appreciation for the song-like 'refrain' here and again later. The repetition really does capture the insanity of obsessing over that which you cannot (or should not) have.
Keep the dream, die in sleep, as long as she is mine again.
Last night the chain that holds and binds was broken by her smile.
The hours of night were endless angst, an unrelenting trial.
Loosed into the loveless void, with wretched wraith like peers, --could be the way I'm reading it, but the meter seems faulty at the start of this line.
I screamed her name, her name is life;
Then fell upon that blessed knife
called peace or death or fear.
Mine again, mine again, thank God she is mine again.
Keep the dream, die in sleep, as long as she is mine again.
Tectak
2012
Overall: I really got a good feeling from this. Which is weird because its really kind of dark, but that's just me I guess.
Thanks for sharing.
In my quote, your refrain looked like this:
Mine again, mine again, thank God she is mine again.
Keep the dream, die in sleep, as long as she is mine again.
Since it was that way both times I'm assuming that was your intended layout. To accomplish that you would just insert the 'sp' tag into the sentence like this:
Code:
[sp] Mine again, mine again, thank God she is mine again.
Keep the dream, die in sleep, as long as she is mine again.
Note: You must place a space or line break between the 'sp' tag and the next word.
(02-25-2012, 09:26 PM)tectak Wrote: Non-recurring dream --Is this the title or the first line? (Please let it be the title! [If this is the title, then why is it here? The title goes in the thread name {Please forgive me if this is the title . . . | and also if it isn't |}])
Last night the chain that drags to dawn was broken by her smile.
The sleep that heals was longer by the links unjoined; and while
the dead time lasted, and while the dark air swirled,
I held on to her, breathed her skin,
touched her sweetness, entered in,
and round her body curled.
Mine again, mine again, thank God she is mine again. --I'm fresh off a repetition lesson from abu nuwas so I have a little more appreciation for the song-like 'refrain' here and again later. The repetition really does capture the insanity of obsessing over that which you cannot (or should not) have.
Keep the dream, die in sleep, as long as she is mine again.
Last night the chain that holds and binds was broken by her smile.
The hours of night were endless angst, an unrelenting trial.
Loosed into the loveless void, with wretched wraith like peers, --could be the way I'm reading it, but the meter seems faulty at the start of this line.
I screamed her name, her name is life;
Then fell upon that blessed knife
called peace or death or fear.
Mine again, mine again, thank God she is mine again.
Keep the dream, die in sleep, as long as she is mine again.
Tectak
2012
Overall: I really got a good feeling from this. Which is weird because its really kind of dark, but that's just me I guess.
Thanks for sharing.
In my quote, your refrain looked like this:
Mine again, mine again, thank God she is mine again.
Keep the dream, die in sleep, as long as she is mine again.
Since it was that way both times I'm assuming that was your intended layout. To accomplish that you would just insert the 'sp' tag into the sentence like this:
Code:
[sp] Mine again, mine again, thank God she is mine again.
Keep the dream, die in sleep, as long as she is mine again.
Note: You must place a space or line break between the 'sp' tag and the next word.
Ahhhh Mark. I wrote this to hook you.....really
You are a writer of songs and it shows in your poetic efforts. You will become a good poet because you can hear the words. Poetry,above all,pays homage to the spoken word. When you read a poem read it out loud. Poetry should be shareable, like a good song.
Thanks for commenting. Not all poetry deserves to be written, but all criticism does!
Best,
Tectak
Some of these lines are beautiful. The third stanza's closing couplet is divine; I like how the knife can mean such opposing ideas, which symbolises the narrator's spiritual pain and confusion. The "mine again" refrain was also great; it felt like the chorus of some old love song.
As for suggestions, I think putting "us" or "me" after "drags" in L1 might help, and a dash should go between "wraith" and "like" in L11.
Thanks for the read, tectak.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
(02-27-2012, 03:27 AM)Heslopian Wrote: Some of these lines are beautiful. The third stanza's closing couplet is divine; I like how the knife can mean such opposing ideas, which symbolises the narrator's spiritual pain and confusion. The "mine again" refrain was also great; it felt like the chorus of some old love song.
As for suggestions, I think putting "us" or "me" after "drags" in L1 might help, and a dash should go between "wraith" and "like" in L11.
Thanks for the read, tectak.
Many thanks for taking the time to read and crit. Interesting point on "drags to" which just goes to show how the slightest error in wording changes so much. My error. Though you would be (are ) correct if I had been clearer, I will change to v2. You will see what I mean.
I am over-cautious of hy-fens as er-thona grubbed me over their mis-use some time back....but if you insist! It is on your head.
Best,
Tectak
I suggest the hyphen simply because otherwise it seems like you're saying the wraith is "like" peers, suggesting a simile. I hope I don't incur Erthona's wrath
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
It is nicely written, almost too smoothly, notwithstanding that the meter jumps about, but chiefly, it is very sad, and the more so, as it has the ring of truth.
The abbreviation for 'version two' - V2-- perhaps predisposed me against, a little.
(02-27-2012, 09:01 AM)abu nuwas Wrote: It is nicely written, almost too smoothly, notwithstanding that the meter jumps about, but chiefly, it is very sad, and the more so, as it has the ring of truth.
The abbreviation for 'version two' - V2-- perhaps predisposed me against, a little.
Hello Abu,
You picked up well from this one. I hoped the meter was sound but I am my own first critic and usually my last. Somewhere between I stick things up on this board and hope for a good grubbing. Reading out loud, which I do, makes modifications in emphasis that can cover off-beats so I unhesitatingly accept your point but would ask that you read the piece stentorially somewhere public so as to disturb the peace and risk arrest, to determine where I should make changes.
Sorry the v2 caused a flashback but I have picked up the habit quite recently from other threads. I admit to having some problems with the reply procedure on these boards but if it works for one it should work for all.......my problem.
Best and thanks,
Tectak
