The Destroyer's Manifesto

[heslopian]

You cannot tell the oak tree's shade without first feeling summer's palm,
and as the mother seeks her son to comfort him,
so we linger in our cells, aliens to empathy, no compassion finding us.
We will soak in the degradation of man like gays in a Roman bath house.
When I think of my soul I picture a creep in a leather jacket,
leaning against a wire fence, chewing gum as rats scurry over his feet.
When I think of love and friendship I picture an unfurnished house.
These are the constructs of cowardly souls,
those who seek to impose God where He's not wanted.
Man is righteous and imbecilic. Know him with your knife, not heart.
To violate the daughters of your oldest comrade is divine.
We will hack through humanity like a mongoloid hacking at wheat.

[ckeo]

- The first line I have a hard time understanding what you are trying to get across.
(but i am a noob :/)
- on line 3 I would drop the "so"
- I am not a fan of using words like "us" and "we"
and "god" in this piece would be better implied rather than stated.

Other than that I really like the narrative style, it reads natural for the most part.
nice work

[heslopian]

Thank you for your feedback, ckeo The first line intends to communicate that one cannot revel in meanness and horror unless one has once lived with grace, if that makes sense. That's the best I can put it.

[billy]

You cannot tell the oak tree's shade without first feeling summer's palm, would know work better than tell
and as the mother seeks her son to comfort him, the 'and' feels off
so we linger in our cells, aliens to empathy, no compassion finding us.
We will soak in the degradation of man like gays in a Roman bath house.
When I think of my soul I picture a creep in a leather jacket,
leaning against a wire fence, chewing gum as rats scurry over his feet.
When I think of love and friendship I picture an unfurnished house.
These are the constructs of cowardly souls,
those who seek to impose God where He's not wanted.
Man is righteous and imbecilic. Know him with your knife, not heart.
To violate the daughters of your oldest comrade is divine.
We will hack through humanity like a mongoloid hacking at wheat.

some decent stuff but for me it feels a bit too deep.

the 'so we linger in our cells' is such a part. is the poem about the manifesto or the killer in prison? of course cell can have more than one meaning but here i see a convict which takes something from the manifesto. do mongoloids hack at wheat? i think the similes need a couple of commas.

i think you have a good poem in here thats a bit tied up in too much wrapping. some good lines
To violate the daughters of your oldest comrade is divine. i really liked. jmo

thanks for the read[/b]