Song of the Reluctant Nihilist

[heslopian]

I might have been a thousand souls,
more and less in touch with God,
treading the canyons of good and despair.
How simple and how beautiful existence would appear
in the light of moral clarity,
knowing if pain or empathy your heart beats to evoke.
I am lost in the woods of the human spirit.

I would have liked to inhabit the bones
of a God-fearing woman, hermetic and chaste,
tending her roses and reading her psalms,
her vaginal leaves dying in synch
with those which fill the golden urns
guarding Yahweh's door.

I could have lived with wickedness,
the dirges of hurt, the marches of hate
elicited from metal harps
inside my godless hands.
A swamp in the place of my soul,
yielding naught but skeletons.

Instead I linger here with you,
my anonymous priest,
sculpting my flesh into verse.
I try to seed the barren sky,
and speak with He who isn't there.

[popeye]

Profound thoughts being brought to the surface Jack, I particularly enjoyed the wording of the second stanza, well done mate, cheers.

PS the title works a treat!

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words, jiminy

[tectak]

I might have been a thousand souls,
more and less in touch with God, beautiful line.I once read "if I could be a thousand souls,each knowing less of God"anon. Same thought?
treading the canyons of good and despair.
How simple and how beautiful existence would appear perhaps drop the second "how" if only because it is easily implied
in the light of moral clarity,
knowing if pain or empathy your heart beats to evoke. your heart? Or my heart. Moved away from 1st person.Small but noticeable shift in a "personal" piece
I am lost in the woods of the human spirit.

I would have liked to inhabit the bones
of a God-fearing woman, hermetic and chaste,
tending her roses and reading her psalms,
her vaginal leaves dying in synch
with those which fill the golden urns
guarding Yahweh's door. somehow synch is out of synch here. The stanza is just so homogenous that anything which destroys the smoothness is noticeable. Another word would need to be carefully chosen to keep peace with the piece

I could have lived with wickedness,
the dirges of hurt, the marches of hate
elicited from metal harps
inside my godless hands.
A swamp in the place of my soul,
yielding naught but skeletons.

Instead I linger here with you,
my anonymous priest,
sculpting my flesh into verse.
I try to seed the barren sky,
and speak with He who isn't there.Again,beautifully conceptualised and worryingly close to the thoughts of many. There is something universally depressing in these last two stanzas and it may well be that the cry of the child left unclaimed in the orphanage is evoked. ....they always choose some other kid, and I'm left here to cry.

Generally, there is literally no room for improvement but that is not to say that a different day may bring a different reading to this terse-verse. Congratulations.
Best,
Tectak

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind words and feedback, tectak In L7 "your" refers to everyone. I might change it to "one's" to maintain the first-person narrative.

[tectak]

Thank you for your kind words and feedback, tectak In L7 "your" refers to everyone. I might change it to "one's" to maintain the first-person narrative.

Or "your hearts beat" if that is what you would really like to say.

[heslopian]

I think that would be too much of a deviation from the first-person. Thanks for the suggestion though

[Philatone]

hey!
some thoughts

I might have been a thousand souls,
more and less in touch with God,
treading the canyons of good and despair. ..reminiscent of those biblical valleys
How simple and how beautiful existence would appear
in the light of moral clarity,
knowing if pain or empathy your heart beats to evoke ..I think you capture the question here, though it did strike me as slightly direct. for a piece like this, perhaps that works best.
I am lost in the woods of the human spirit ...i like the connection of man to nature in this line.

I would have liked to inhabit the bones
of a God-fearing woman, hermetic and chaste, ..."hermetic and chaste" didn't do much for me; I think removing them would also allow the reader to focus on these images which are pretty strong, and to do so more rapidly
tending her roses and reading her psalms,
her vaginal leaves dying in synch
with those which fill the golden urns
guarding Yahweh's door.

I could have lived with wickedness,
the dirges of hurt, the marches of hate
elicited from metal harps
inside my godless hands. ...I'm seeing a lot of a single word in this piece (god); of course, up to you to determine if that is appropriate, again considering the topic
A swamp in the place of my soul,
yielding naught but skeletons. ...could be trimmed to just "yielding skeletons"

Instead I linger here with you,
my anonymous priest,
sculpting my flesh into verse.
I try to seed the barren sky,
and speak with He who isn't there.

pretty strong close. again, a lot of the comments are just personal preferences; I'm sure you'll make the best decision as to leave or adjust

[heslopian]

Thanks for your kind words and feedback, Philatone

[ckeo]

Your writing has advanced nicely since last I read your stuff months ago.
most nits have been pointed out already,
but I am going to stress that "god" is always better implied... for me anyway, others may feel differently.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind feedback, ckeo