Memory of Baptism

[Larry]

NOTE: I recycled "Sermon" into this one, although I'll still probably keep it. I know, another religious one, but it's for highschool, so mercy!
Fire away.


after she gave birth
my mother took me to be born

to a hospital of pews
and not beds
frankincense instead
of disinfectants
and bent statuettes
which crowded solemn walls
marking the absence of
hanging PHDS
or any trace of
medical machinery.

but the doctor did wear
a traditional white
and in the april light
that leaked through
the stained glass windows
he looked like id imagine
a ghost would
nearly transparent
in the purifying sun

my parents spoke only
"lawrence, lawrence"
to him, and he smiled
above his folded palms
before opening them in water
and blessing me...
that's the extent
of my memory.

[addy]

Another nice effort. Don't worry about writing religious poems; yours are very lovely

after she gave birth
my mother took me to be born

to a hospital of pews
and not beds
frankincense instead
of disinfectants
and bent statuettes
which crowded solemn walls
marking the absence of
hanging PHDS
or any trace of
medical machinery. I think you can compress these last four lines, they seem telly (to me). e.g. "abstinent from framed PHDs and costly machines" (nicer lines than that of course )

but the doctor did wear
a traditional white
and in the april light
that leaked through this doesn't need it's own line, I think, since it barely adds anything. How about "staining rainbow windows" or something like that?
the stained glass windows
he looked like id imagine
a ghost would
nearly transparent
in the purifying sun

my parents spoke only
"lawrence, lawrence"
to him, and he smiled
above his folded palms
before opening them in water
and blessing me...
that's the extent
of my memory. Not the ending I would choose... it really took me out of the poem. Try ending with an image ("my name, candle-bright in my memory"... something much nicer than that)

[billy]

NOTE: I recycled "Sermon" into this one, although I'll still probably keep it. I know, another religious one, but it's for highschool, so mercy!
Fire away.


after she gave birth
my mother took me to be born........... i like these two lines

to a hospital of pews
and not beds........................................ is this line needed?
frankincense instead
of disinfectants
and bent statuettes
which crowded solemn walls
marking the absence of .....are the last four lines of this stanza
hanging PHDS...................needed?
or any trace of
medical machinery.

but the doctor did wear.............is but needed, wore instead of did wear
a traditional white
and in the april light............April
that leaked through
the stained glass windows...........is the needed
he looked like id imagine................[I'd]
a ghost would
nearly transparent...........so you mean translucent then
in the purifying sun

my parents spoke only
"lawrence, lawrence"..........Lawrence
to him, and he smiled ...........to who?
above his folded palms
before opening them in water
and blessing me...
that's the extent............you couldn't remember that, sorry
of my memory...............so it has to be asked, are the last two lines needed?

nicely done
i really liked;

a traditional white
and in the april light
that leaked through
the stained glass windows

as well as the first two line.

i get the health of the soul thing but i think it goes a little overboard telling us. it leaves little for us to imagine.
with a bit of an edit i think it's one of those that can shine.

thanks for the post larry

[Larry]

after she gave birth,
my mother took me to be born.

to a hospital of gospels and frankincense instead
Of magazines and cherry disinfectants.
Where bent statuettes crowded solemn walls
and crimson candles awaited flames-
their twisted, black wicks begging to be burned.

The doctor wore traditional white,
and in the April light that leaked through
The sapphire stained glass he looked like I’d imagine
a ghost would; Translucent in the purifying sun,
Floating beside a baptismal fountain.

My parents spoke only "Lawrence” to him,
and he smiled back above his folded palms
before cupping them in water, and blessing my head
Drawing a cross for my mind to carry
As it grew with this body, like an invisible limb.

It might’ve been a year since then,
but I had just left the womb-
once again.

---

No wait!

After she gave birth,
my mother took me to be born:

to a hospital of gospels and frankincense
where bent statuettes crowded solemn walls
and crimson candles awaited flames-
their twisted, black wicks begging to be burned.

The doctor wore traditional white,
and in the April light that leaked through
the sapphire stained glass he looked like I imagine
a ghost would; translucent in the purifying sun,
floating beside a baptismal fountain.

My parents spoke only "Lawrence” to him,
and he smiled back above his folded palms
before cupping them in water, and blessing my head.
He etched a cross for my mind to carry
How it grew with the child, like an invisible limb.

Uhh....crap I need an ending?

[billy]

if i'm honest i have to say the essence of the original
is disappearing in the edits. i think the original form suited the piece much better larry. but that's just me.

the edits have imagery but it feels that the poem is no longer about you.