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V. 2
when my body prepares
to imprison me in silence,
walking me towards my pine cell,
it will casually ask
for a last request
and I will have none.
I will not even have
a final word
to be remembered by
as they have all run out
like chairs at a table.
All that will be left
is an M,
a letter left hanging in the air
when all of its brothers--
the S's, A's, even the Q's--
were stroked into sentences.
Just an M
small enough
to be carried in a pocket,
while still too large
to crumple into a farewell,
potent enough
to poison certainty into doubt
and still show delight
before a meal.
M
one letter to show a thousand,
one sound to shut a mouth.
How unfortunate
to not have used it sooner,
to live without
the curves
of the pill
on my tongue,
to remember it
at the moment
the door is closed
and there is nothing more
to say.
________________________
Original
when my body prepares
to imprison me in silence,
walking me towards my maple cell,
it will casually ask
for a last request
and I will have none,
not even a final word
to be remembered by
as they have all run out
like chairs at a table.
All that will be left
inside this belabored box
is an M
small enough
to be carried in a pocket,
while still too large
to crumple into a farewell,
potent enough
to poison certainty to doubt
and still show delight
before a meal.
M
one letter to show a thousand,
one sound to shut a mouth.
How unfortunate
to not have used it sooner,
to live without
the curves
of the pill
on my tongue,
to remember it
at the moment
the door is closed
and there is nothing more
to say.
Written only for you to consider.
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i'll give some feedback tomorrow phil, sorry about the delay.
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I've read this through several times now but I fear I'm missing the "M" reference completely -- my guess would be a drug of some kind, but I'm afraid I'm completely ignorant in that area  . I also don't really get the "cedar cell", since it sounds like it refers to a coffin but I'm not familiar enough with your timber types -- here our cedar is used mostly for furniture and ship building, not coffins that I know of. Maybe we're just cheaper than you guys...
I do really like
"one letter to show a thousand,
one sound to shut a mouth."
I'm sorry I can't be of any help here.
It could be worse
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changed the title to "The Last Letter", as well as altered "cedar"
Written only for you to consider.
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Joined: Dec 2009
(01-30-2012, 01:38 AM)Philatone Wrote: when my body prepares
to imprison me in silence,
walking me towards my maple cell,
it will casually ask
for a last request
and I will have none,
if maple cell or cedar cell is a coffin reference it doesn't work well for me, i could just be a location thing though. if it had been a pine cell i'd have caught it straight away.
not even a final word
to be remembered by
as they have all run out
like chairs at a table.
i like the analogy but think pulled instead of run would work better
All that will be left
inside this belabored box
is an M i'm confused with the M thing
small enough
to be carried in a pocket,
while still too large
to crumple into a farewell, even more so if it's possible
potent enough
to poison certainty to doubt would 'into' work better
and still show delight
before a meal.
M
one letter to show a thousand,
one sound to shut a mouth.
How unfortunate
to not have used it sooner,
to live without
the curves
of the pill
on my tongue,
to remember it
at the moment
the door is closed
and there is nothing more
to say. i really tried to work out the M but failed. the poem flows well enough but the M disorientates me. i thought of meth but felt it couldn't be that.
i really would like to see a bit more of the M in order for the poem to work well.
i enjoyed the lines:
small enough
to be carried in a pocket,
while still too large
to crumple into a farewell, they're quite poignant
jmo
thanks for the read.
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I think i may have led you to dig farther than I wanted, did not intend any drug references; was merely a contemplation on the last things you say before you die. added a few lines to the third stanza; i'm sorry the message isn't quite coming across. could just have been an idea that worked better in my head
Written only for you to consider.
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02-01-2012, 01:14 AM
(This post was last modified: 02-01-2012, 01:16 AM by billy.)
whatever it is it isn't far away from working well. it's why it's here isn't it? i hope you try another edit phil
oops, i was too quick, i checked out the added lines and i'm still struggling (sorry)
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The only thing wrong with this poem is that it makes no sense. I am thinking it is the sound of "M" like in Hmm! or Hmmm? from what you say, but you are being to coy. Still, it seems a thin reed to play a soliloquy on.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(01-30-2012, 01:38 AM)Philatone Wrote: V. 2
when my body preparesWhy no capital.Does the lack add anything?
to imprison me in silence,As a confirmation of advancing age, this opener holds water but....
walking me towards my pine cell,then an anomally; who is walking who?
it will casually ask Who?
for a last request
and I will have none. sorry to be pedantic but you will have none last request?
I will not even have It, I and oh no...I can see what is coming! They is the final word. This stanza MUST be looked at. More horrors follow.
a final word
to be remembered by
as they have all run out
like chairs at a table. Not metaphorically acceptable. There is a comedic image here which is hard to overcome. The grammar is the problem. I wonder did the chairs run out at a gallop or a canter? Try "There are no words left,
No chairs at the table" I still have no idea what it means but by God it means what it says.
All that will be leftFrom here to the end I shall require medication; preferably something illegal and mind expanding. This is not unfair criticism because it plays into the spirit of the piece.
is an M,
a letter left hanging in the air
when all of its brothers--
the S's, A's, even the Q's--
were stroked into sentences.
Just an M
small enough
to be carried in a pocket,
while still too large
to crumple into a farewell,
potent enough
to poison certainty into doubt
and still show delight
before a meal.
M
one letter to show a thousand,
one sound to shut a mouth.
How unfortunate
to not have used it sooner,
to live without
the curves
of the pill
on my tongue,
to remember it
at the moment
the door is closed
and there is nothing more
to say.
OK. What to say? It is entirely within the remit of the critic to declare bias. I am not able to appreciate work which leaves me perplexed and not in a good way. I confess to feeling that some work, and this is an example, is a trap; unwittingly, perhaps, the writer is testing the critic. I have done it myself in a fit of pique when I was ten. Not since then. Why do I judge this piece so harshly? Well, because that is the contract. Breaking the contract is unforgiveable by either party....writer or critic. If I am a pedant then expect pedantic comment. It is only me. So if I am still enabled would it be too much to ask (and if so, say so ) to begin by using punctuation. I will not judge content for the reason stated above.
Best,
Tectak
________________________
Original
when my body prepares
to imprison me in silence,
walking me towards my maple cell,
it will casually ask
for a last request
and I will have none,
not even a final word
to be remembered by
as they have all run out
like chairs at a table.
All that will be left
inside this belabored box
is an M
small enough
to be carried in a pocket,
while still too large
to crumple into a farewell,
potent enough
to poison certainty to doubt
and still show delight
before a meal.
M
one letter to show a thousand,
one sound to shut a mouth.
How unfortunate
to not have used it sooner,
to live without
the curves
of the pill
on my tongue,
to remember it
at the moment
the door is closed
and there is nothing more
to say.
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