We're All Queer In Our Own Way:

[billy]

small edit; (grammar in the 2nd stanza)

With pants round ankles I braced
arse pointed seaward.
The heavy splash of salt water
stung my spread cheeks.

Harry captured our anal escapades
on the cliffs of Anglesey;
filming us in our cups acting like twats.
It was a calling for us and for him,
he never joined in though.

We teased him about being queer
which he was, it was something
he always denied.

shortly after the drunken squall
Harry drove himself
into the back of a lollipop man
his dad....

The stop sign flew through the windscreen
its handle pierced his heart....

Harry the queer;
We all cried, we all loved him.

original:
With pants round ankles I braced
arse pointed seaward.
The heavy splash of salt water
stung my spread cheeks.

Harry captured our anal escapades
on the cliffs of Anglesey;
filming us in our cups, acting like twats
it was a calling; for us and him,
he never joined in though.

We teased him about being queer
which he was, it was something
he always denied.

shortly after the drunken squall
Harry drove himself
into the back of a lollipop man
his dad....

The stop sign flew through the windscreen
its handle pierced his heart....

Harry the queer;
We all cried, we all loved him.

[abu nuwas]

What a sad tale! I think you mean 'our' cups.

[billy]

yes i did thanks, i'll change it.

[heslopian]

I really like this poem. It's simple but expressed with a quiet elegance, making an unpretentious tale somewhat profound. I also like the salt water on spread cheeks Thanks for the read, Billy.

[billy]

thanks for the comment jack

[Philatone]

hello billy,
just to share my thoughts

With pants round ankles I braced
arse pointed seaward.
The heavy splash of salt water
stung my spread cheeks. ...great /t/ sounds, such a great variety of them

Harry captured our anal escapades
on the cliffs of Anglesey;...and here with the /a/ and /s/
filming us in our cups, acting like twats
it was a calling; for us and him,
he never joined in though. may need more readings, but i got a bit confused on the punctuation in the last 3 lines

We teased him about being queer
which he was, it was something ...i wanted the "which he was" to stand out a little more
he always denied.

shortly after the drunken squall
Harry drove himself
into the back of a lollipop man
his dad....

The stop sign flew through the windscreen
its handle pierced his heart....

Harry the queer;
We all cried, we all loved him.
..i blame poor reading on my part, but i am struggling with the "lollipop man/ his dad." I think I'm blending together the stop sign and his father; both interpretations work in the context of the last stanza; to hit his father (with its multiple meanings) would have hurt him emotionally for sure, whereas hitting a stop sign would do much more physical damage. I suppose that's the intention. not wanting an answer,but more to share my thoughts to for you to see if they led me where you wanted. overall, i liked the tone of this piece, billy

[billy]

thanks for the feedback phil.
i tried to change the grammar in the 2nd.

in the uk, a lollipop man is someone who mans road crossings at school times.
his dad was a lollipop man. the stop sign is the typ thats held in the hand by the lollipop man (it looks like a giant lollipop, hence the name.)

[Leanne]

With pants round ankles I braced
arse pointed seaward.
The heavy splash of salt water
stung my spread cheeks. -- great image to start, it makes the poem seem as if it's going to be frivolous, which is neatly subverted later on

Harry captured our anal escapades
on the cliffs of Anglesey;
filming us in our cups acting like twats.
It was a calling for us and for him,
he never joined in though.

We teased him about being queer
which he was, it was something -- I tend to think that "which he was" should be on a line to itself, without punctuation
he always denied.

shortly after the drunken squall
Harry drove himself
into the back of a lollipop man
his dad.... -- any chance you could put (his dad) instead of bothering with an ellipsis?

The stop sign flew through the windscreen -- I keep thinking you could easily have "the stop sign pierced the windscreen/ its handle pierced his heart
its handle pierced his heart....

Harry the queer;
We all cried, we all loved him.

This is very poignant, Billy, and a really good read. Thanks

[billy]

thanks for the feedback Leanne.

I like the pierced suggestion and the others, will do something about it tomorrow.

[popeye]

I think you have captured male adolescence in it's full glory here billy, from their skylarking,

through peer pressure, the teasing and the possible consequence of that, one lad feeling left out of

it, even though he was encouraged to join in the fun, his reasons for remaining a bit of a loner

arn't stated but I'm left with the thought that his drinking before killing his father was on his

own, lack of understanding for his condition being quite normal for young people, then the question,

did he kill his dad on purpose?, was his withdrawal from the crowd due to some family problem which he

kept bottled up? When his mates found out they were shaken by it all, suddenly maturing to the point

where they questioned themselves about their behavior towards him and realising too late that they

had really lost a friend? I could ramble on for ever about the various scenarios but I'll give you a break and leave it there!

A very good poem about the 'bitter/sweet' of growing up, thanks for that mate, a most thought

provoking and enjoyable read. Cheers

[billy]

thanks for the comment jiminy

[Erthona]

Billy,

Nice poem. I'll go with what Heslopian said,

"It's simple but expressed with a quiet elegance, making an unpretentious tale somewhat profound"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, the lollipop part gave me trouble also, and not just because I didn't know what a lollipop man was.

"shortly after the drunken squall
Harry drove his car into
the back of a lollipop man—his dad—

The stop sign flew through the windscreen
its handle piercing Harry's heart..."

and unless "the back of" is purposefully an allusion to anal sex, I would leave it out, so

"shortly after the drunken squall
Harry drove his car into
a lollipop man—his dad—

The stop sign flew through the windscreen
its handle piercing Harry's heart..."


Dale

[billy]

lollypop man;

is someone who mans a childrens crossing at school time. they're call lollypop men because the sign they have is like a 5 or 6 foot aluminium pole with a round metal plate at the top (about a foot across) which sys those immortal words 'stop'.

i was trying to be ambiguous with the son running into his dads back. but i agree that it didn't work as well as it should have.
i agree also about the handle part

thanks guys, i'll make time tomorrow for the edit.

[Leanne]

They're lollipop men here too, Billy, just thought I'd throw that in... or mostly lollipop ladies these days.

[abu nuwas]

Billy,

Nice poem. I'll go with what Heslopian said,

"It's simple but expressed with a quiet elegance, making an unpretentious tale somewhat profound"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, the lollipop part gave me trouble also, and not just because I didn't know what a lollipop man was.

"shortly after the drunken squall
Harry drove his car into
the back of a lollipop man—his dad—

The stop sign flew through the windscreen
its handle piercing Harry's heart..."

and unless "the back of" is purposefully an allusion to anal sex, I would leave it out, so

"shortly after the drunken squall
Harry drove his car into
a lollipop man—his dad—

The stop sign flew through the windscreen
its handle piercing Harry's heart..."


Dale

I want to be pedantic, but I am baffled. Dale, if a writer wants to describe a situation accurately, reflecting that the car did go into the man's back not his front, what is he supposed to say? It seems a strange world where 'back' automatically suggests anal sex. Back, to me, suggests back. There are a few other words, in common use, one beginning with 'a', which the writer could use if he wanted to talk about anal sex. Am I missing something obvious? Will all the other chaps laugh at my naivety? E

[Erthona]

Ed,

Did you read the original?

Here it is

"Harry drove himself
into the back of a lollipop man
his dad...."

There are two points, why omit car, and why the need to describe that it was into his back, when we usually just say, "he drove his car into the person". BY leaving out "the car" and say he drove himself into the man's back I think it easily sets up the idea of at least symbolic anal sex with his father, a not unknown sentiment expressed my many gay men. It is not much different from a common thought in female psychology of having sex with their father in order to feel love. If a man is gay, he basically takes on the role as daughter in relation to his father. We know the guy is gay because Billy tells us he is. That he is unable to come to terms with this evidently has something to do with him killing his father. If I said "he forcefully drove himself into her" would you not at least suspect sexual overtones? Considering the set up in this poem, I think merely seeing a suspicion of sexual symbolism is the least inference we can draw.

Dale

[tectak]

small edit; (grammar in the 2nd stanza)

With pants round ankles I bracedsomething missing between ankles and arse
arse pointed seaward.
The heavy splash of salt water
stung my spread cheeks.only a moraliser could find something worryingly off about this image. I know the connotations of "spread cheeks" but is this an appropriate adjective? Even "pale" might contribute to the class image rather than the risqué.

Harry captured our anal escapades
on the cliffs of Anglesey;Is this a continuation of the sea scouring tale or something additional occuring up't cliff? I ask out of general interest because there is an altitudinal shift here which may or may not add to the scene(s)...and that makes the whole piece thus far more complicated than at first indicated. We are getting into adult themes here.
filming us in our cups acting like twats.or looking like twats?
It was a calling for us and for him,
he never joined in though.I like the judgement call implicit in this line. It makes the reader feel.a little more comfortable with whatever may be coming next. Adds immensely to the tension of a first read.

We teased him about being queer
which he was, it was somethingor "though he was"
he always denied.Phew,safe at last. We can turn our backs again

shortly after the drunken squall
Harry drove himself
into the back of a lollipop man
his dad....This stanza needs punctuation

The stop sign flew through the windscreen
its handle pierced his heart....

Harry the queer;
We all cried, we all loved him.The last two stanzas are unclear gramatically but not entirely without poignancy. Sometimes this works as a simplification to allow the reader to relax in his certainty of interpretation...like I alway knew the butler did it. Not sure here though.
Best,
Tectak

original:
With pants round ankles I braced
arse pointed seaward.
The heavy splash of salt water
stung my spread cheeks.

Harry captured our anal escapades
on the cliffs of Anglesey;
filming us in our cups, acting like twats
it was a calling; for us and him,
he never joined in though.

We teased him about being queer
which he was, it was something
he always denied.

shortly after the drunken squall
Harry drove himself
into the back of a lollipop man
his dad....

The stop sign flew through the windscreen
its handle pierced his heart....

Harry the queer;
We all cried, we all loved him.

[billy]

Thanks for the solid feedback.
it was a continuation of the cliffs. and cheeck spreading to the crashing waves when drunk was something most of me and my mates did at one time or another, if lucky we could get the girls to do it (thought they never went on dinking sprees to wales with us that often.
sometime in the near future i'll be back with edits for this and others.