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[Image:
http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/2...2yy6op.jpg]
"Romance is a slow dance"
Don't just kiss me
Make me feel beautiful
Make me feel needed
Loved...
Look in my eyes
And count the lights
Brush your fingers through my hair
Smile.. smile that beautiful smile
And slowly brush your lips to mine
Don't just taste it
Feel it
Love it like I do
No! don't go too fast
You're scaring me
No! don't do that
That's not how it's supposed to be!
Hey! Where are you going?
So that's it?
I can't dance your dance so you're leaving?
It's okay
Find someone else to kiss
It doesn't matter anyway
The moment you leave me here
Someone's gonna come and take my hand
Someone's gonna ask me to dance romance's slow dance.......................
"i wanna know how it feels to be over you for real..
til i do, ill keep writing POEMS about you"
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01-22-2012, 08:40 PM
(This post was last modified: 01-22-2012, 08:41 PM by billy.)
hi Karren
some parts to like and some that are clichéd.
brush your finger through my hair has been used so much and in so many poems, songs, films etc, as has slowly brush your lips to mine
i can see improvement in your poetry. the opening line and the repeat of it as hook work well i think.
my suggestion would be to go over it and edit anything you may see as being said by others in other stuff, and also look to see if any words than don't add anything can be stripped away.
i think you did a good job with the enjambment, it flows really well when read.
overall it has an original feel to the first (or one of them) love conflict that's going on. well done
now i have something to ask you 
can you leave a few comments on a few of the other peoples poems. "i don't know how to" isn't good enough we all have to start somewhere, just say what you think and how something in the poem affects you, we have some guidelines. take a look in the give feedback section at the top of the page
thanks for the read.
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I think your lineation works well here. However the tone comes across as somewhat selfish and demanding and so it is difficult to feel much sympathy for the speaker, which makes it difficult to emotionally connect to the poem. As is the problem with most love poetry, the vocabulary is so overused already, it is difficult to not wander into the cliche.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Hello Karren
I really enjoyed the first half of your poem. It was beautifully written.
However, the second part seemed awfully childish to me. It felt like someone screaming those last lines instead of expressing the true emotions that should of been in them. This poem has tons of potential. Maybe just go back and figure out how to end it more smoothly so it will flow better.
Hannah
hi Karren,
I really related with the emotion or the goal of the poem. It's all about those feelings so many people have while dating. It's a continual (many times difficult) cylcle that some of us go to before we find our partner.
What you could do is consider the ways a partner would make you feel beautiful. Do they fix your flat tire, do they always answer on your first ring, do they buy you your favorite candle?
After you establish those images and we know what qualities you are looking for through the examples, the "Hey! Where are you going?" is very effective line because it creates a strong dividing point in the poem - in tone and in word, as it catches the reader off guard. We then understand you disappointment that this is not the person who can fulfill your aforementioned requests.
When you close, I would suggest using more examples to express the words you write.
Instead of "I can't dance your dance so you're leaving?" you could explore ways that a partner would leave while including the theme of dancing which is throughout the poem... It's also hard to believe that "the moment you leave me here" someone else will come. I know it is figurative, but you probably could express that in a different way to mean that someone else will take that journey with you in time.
Thank you for sharing!
