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(for Ted)
Weary and heavy too my heart,
not like the singing of the wren
that once sang to me in the Spring,
and filled me full of wondering.
My only mate is now despair,
for I know, I will not hear
that songbird sing its joyous song,
and be held for too brief of time
in its manifest, divine.
The time betwixt here and there
is a time too long I fear,
I never again will hear her sing,
for I shall not last until the Spring.
The rime of winter has settled in,
my life begins, to begin its end,
for I have not the strength or will
to ever try to start again.
So I open wide my arms
embracing Death, my new found friend.
Yes Death, whom I once had feared,
when living life, was still so dear.
Yet, now I only beg of him,
take me to my home again.
Yes take me to my home once more,
I’m tired of fighting life’s long war,
for I’ve forgotten what it was,
that I was fighting for.
©2011 ~Erthona
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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May I do my picky bit, quickly, then depart?
to my heart (unless you mean 'also' my heart)
its joyous song, its manifest, its end
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GJ (simple soul and waverer),
"May I do my picky bit, quickly, then depart?"
only if you don't fart!
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Yes, I do mean also.
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If "its joyous song, its manifest, its end" is a replacement suggestion, it wouldn't work as it is in a completely different meter than the poem is written in.
Let me give a little explanation. The wording is as it is because it is suppose to be him speaking, and this was how he tended to write poetry, basically a bit archaic and disjointed. The idea is that through the language you will become aware of the personality underlying it. In my minds eye, if he were an actor on stage, speaking a soliloquy, which is also a lament as he is about to die, this is how I see him saying it.
Thanks for your thoughts,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
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No - I didn't mean that at all (and I'm sure you knew that)....I don't want you to move any of those words...I just have a pet hate of 'it's' being used when it should be 'its'......and I have made it my life's work to seek out and destroy every instance of it that I find!!  And if you find that I have slipped up on this or any other spelling or grammar errors- please do let me know. It matters to me.
His, Hers, Its............that's it... not Hi's, Her's and It's..........It's means 'it is' or 'it has' and when I read it thus it drives me bonkers. (well, more bonkers than I already am) 
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Sorry, I didn't realize what you were trying to point. Thanks for finding those. They still get by me. Some days are better than udders! BTW Have a Happy Mooo Year!
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Who is Ted...is it Ted Hughes? I don't know his work very well...I read 'Crow' but it was a long time ago.
This may sound insulting, it's not meant to be - this verse sounds old-fashioned. It has an olde worlde atmosphere, simple word choice and a lilting even cadence. Even the subject matter speaks of a simpler time.
I like it.
The punctuation of the following does need a little attention,
my suggestions here could probably be improved upon by you.
Yes. Death, whom I once feared,
when living life was still so dear.
Yet, now I only beg of him,
take me to my home again.
Yes! Take me to my home once more,
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"this verse sounds old-fashioned. It has an olde worlde atmosphere, simple word choice and a lilting even cadence. Even the subject matter speaks of a simpler time."
Yeah, that's a pretty good description of how Ted wrote poetry.
Ted Cherry, was nobody famous, he could on occasion turn out some nice lines of iambic pentameter. I think he would be eighty if he were still alive. He died at the beginning of 2011. Like me I suppose, he was a bit of an acquired taste.
Although the punctuation appears awkward, it is there more as a pronunciation guide than anything. Probably should be an exclamation mark after yes, instead of a period. I also write music, and at times I feel frustrated that poetry has no notation system that tells where you more or less time to a word, how long a silence is, or where and how hard to stress certain syllables. I will note you concern, and come back to this later when I am not so familiar with it. I'm not sure at the moment I can see what is actually there, as opposed to what I intend to be there. For some reason this is one of the more difficult aspect of my poetry for me to see clearly, not because I have any problem changing it, but after working on it for so long, I can no longer tell what it sounds like because I have such a strong impression of what I want it to be. It is weird, as often I write with the idea of up beats, down beats, quarter notes and triplets. If you take the first line, assuming we are in 3/4 time signature "yes" would receive one whole beats, "Death" would get one beat, and the last four words would almost be like a triplet formation of sixteenth notes. So the line would basically take one breath for those three beats, as it is a bit andante, maybe around quarter note = 55. Stately, but tired, or tired dignity if you will.
Dale
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I do see what you mean, although I have no musical ability. I have a very strong rhythmic beat in my head which forms a lot of my poetry, and I also I find rhymes appearing - not forced, or searched for...they're just there. I am reading a book The Best of British Poetry 2011 and most of the poems have neither of these in them...and I'm finding it a struggle to relate to them.
I also find that if I am trying to update an old poem for re-posting that the ghost of the old poem interferes with any amendments I try to make (even tho' I know the changes will improve the finished poem)
It's hard-luck life in poetry!
- must dash, I'm taking two of my grandsons to Birmingham on the train.
ps - I reckon you might be onto a winner there....inventing a notation system for use by those who wish to read poetry aloud.
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When you say musical ability you mean as it relates to pitch. I knew many good drummers who were all but tone deaf. I have known many people who could not even tap their toe in time to the music. My joke was that was what disco was for, as the loud, straight downbeat is the most predominate feature of disco, which is in no way an endorsement on my part for something I am still unsure deserves the appellation of music.
I think I will wait for some overachieving soul to do that for me, plus I can think of no way to do it with our existing input device. Plus, because the notation is by necessity on one line and the poem on another it makes reading both a definite skill set that has to be learned, rather than dealt with, with the mental tools available. Except for the designation of the pitch, it would be almost as complex as music notation. which is itself about equal to learning a new language. As I was already playing and reading music by the age of four, it functioned like a second language to me. At one point, I could sight read music as easily as I could written text on a page. The only difference being with written text you use your voice as the instrument, as opposed to a piano keyboard. Although in the final analysis, just as one must put in many hours of practice to preform a song, and even though it has notation, a vocalist still has to break the song into phrases, and practice taking a breath in the correct place, which is not always the natural place. Generally too much work for most people, and learning a new notation system certainly is.
Dale
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Ah well...bang goes your fortune. Actually, that's a daft statement - I can't see poetry writing or performing (and a notation system) ever earning any money.....but, I have been wrong before (many times)...as I don't expect to live for ever I shall never know.
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This verse is very evocative of dear old Ted, who irritated me no end yet always meant well and was beloved, the grumpy old sod.
For the most part I'm quite happy with the meter, but I find it fails in L10, a beat too short -- I'm not too sure what to offer as a suggestion unless it's something like "the passage between here and there". (Though I was thinking, when reading it, that perhaps Ted would have chosen "betwixt" )
I do love your use of "rime", so very appropriate in all its meanings, and your final four lines in particular are very poignant.
It could be worse
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Although it generally falls in iambs, I was probably writing it as accentual verse, so this is how I read the stresses. Stressed syllables in bold.
"The time be tween here and there\"
"Betwixt" is probably in keeping with the wording, and the way I read it I still have four stresses per line.
"The time be twixt here and there\"
Would "The time betwixt the here and there" be better?
That changes it to straight iambs, but seems to create problem for the following lines because the next line starts on a half foot, or truncated head if you will.
The time be twixt the here and there
is a time too long I fear,
I never a gain will hear her sing,
(for) I shall not last un til the Spring.
After awhile I start losing how I would read it, as opposed of how I should read it, I know when this happens because my eyes cross
I'll take on the betwixt (thanks that was a good idea, and it is very Ted like), but I don't know about making it straight iambs, as I still read it as a four foot line without the extra syllable.
----------------------------------------------------------------
GJ
Yeah, anyone who thinks they will make money off of poetry needs a reality check. Even Ginsberg didn't make a living off of his poetry, he made it from appearances. Actually, I'm not sure who has ever made a living solely off of poetry. Most either taught, or made paid appearances. The only people making money off of poetry is poetry.com and Hallmark, and calling what either promote poetry is a bit iffy.
Dale
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Dale, to my reading either betwixt or between -- coupled with the strong stress I would place on "here" given that "here" and "there" are the important words in that line -- are too light stresses or, if I were going to go nuts on the scansion, I'd maybe even call it a pyrrhic (but I'm not going to!)
The TIME/ betwixt HERE/ and THERE
is a TIME/ too LONG/ i FEAR,
i NE/ver aGAIN/ will HEAR/ her SING,
for I SHALL/ not LAST/ unTIL/ the SPRING.
If I pronounce it with a stress on the second syllable, I get:
the TIME/ beTWIXT/ here and THERE -- as it's very unnatural for me to put a stronger stress on HERE in this case. So either way I'm getting three feet.
I thought of sticking "the" in as well -- and it wouldn't be out of place as then it does allow the second syllable of "betwixt" to have a slightly stronger stress.
the TIME/ beTWIXT/ the HERE/ and THERE -- which makes it perfectly iambic.
There's no really strong stress on the "is" in the next line, when I read it I just trip over the two reasonably unimportant words -- call it an exercise in accentual rather than metric Although even if the next line did start on a trochee instead, it wouldn't be out of place since a line break gives enough of a pause anyway.
It could be worse
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"the TIME/ beTWIXT/ the HERE/ and THERE -- which makes it perfectly iambic."
That's what worked for me. even when writing accentual verse, I often like to treat it like iambic free verse, with the option of trochee of course. There are too many instances where you can get those long strings of non-stressed syllables at the start of the line, and everyone reads them differently it seems. So I like this as it brings it all into iambs for a line.
Dale
(01-02-2012, 05:41 AM)Leanne Wrote: Dale, to my reading either betwixt or between -- coupled with the strong stress I would place on "here" given that "here" and "there" are the important words in that line -- are too light stresses or, if I were going to go nuts on the scansion, I'd maybe even call it a pyrrhic (but I'm not going to!)
The TIME/ betwixt HERE/ and THERE
is a TIME/ too LONG/ i FEAR,
i NE/ver aGAIN/ will HEAR/ her SING,
for I SHALL/ not LAST/ unTIL/ the SPRING.
If I pronounce it with a stress on the second syllable, I get:
the TIME/ beTWIXT/ here and THERE -- as it's very unnatural for me to put a stronger stress on HERE in this case. So either way I'm getting three feet.
I thought of sticking "the" in as well -- and it wouldn't be out of place as then it does allow the second syllable of "betwixt" to have a slightly stronger stress.
the TIME/ beTWIXT/ the HERE/ and THERE -- which makes it perfectly iambic.
There's no really strong stress on the "is" in the next line, when I read it I just trip over the two reasonably unimportant words -- call it an exercise in accentual rather than metric Although even if the next line did start on a trochee instead, it wouldn't be out of place since a line break gives enough of a pause anyway.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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