Feelings

[babeismijnkat]

bound to these feelings
something gave it me
persons disappoint me
it's gettin' dangerous

not enough sleep
sleep well enough
and I'll wake up
from this inner death

nothing is told
no descriptions
I say to you, it's mine
you can't take it

not enough, it is
I was all right
deep within my sleep
creating new memories

'cause there is a lack
a missing piece
deepest feelings
are always true

[Erthona]

The poem leans strongly towards vagueness and generalities which weakens it, although it does engender a half asleep feel to it.

For it's purpose the poem is for the most part clear enough.
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To me there are two disruptive points:


The line,

"something gave it me"

is problematic syntactically, and so creates a distraction in the reading.

Another is "not enough, it is"

which seems like a bit of Yoda speech.

I think it is somewhat of a difficulty/weakness when you end with the thesis

"deepest feelings
are always true"

It is not addressed in the poem, and not connected to it in anyway. That is to say it seems somewhat ad hoc, and because the way the poem is structured I could plug about any statement into that spot and it be as valid as that one. To put it poetically, it hangs more as an appendix than a heart.

Cheers,

Dale

[babeismijnkat]

Thank you very much for the feedback!

[Passionate Poet]

It was very hard for me to connect with this poem. I couldn't quite grasp the true concept of it.

You started off with with:
"Bound to these feelings
something gave it to me"
-You speak of these "feelings yet don't elaborate much on this. Instead you jump right into the next paragraph. Maybe instead add another section about these feelings so the reader can connect better with what you trying to express.

"It's gettin' dangerous" - next I wanted to point out your use if grammar. Instead gettin' you should use getting. It just feels less childish and flows smoother.

"'cause there is a lack" -Try using because instead of 'cause

[arbil_poieo]

I agree with Passionate Poet, it is difficult to grasp the concept. I believe you had a great idea and emotion, it just wasn't executed well...which happens to me a lot. Sometimes you have the right words and the right feeling, it just doesn't seem to come out properly for others to understand. What I did appreciate in this poem are the lines:
"deepest feelings
are always true."
I like these lines because the meaning behind them is honest and relatable. I'm not an expert writer (hence, why I'm in the novice section) but heres a suggestion when you write about emotions be more specific. Detail always helps. I do believe the overall meaning are in the last 2 lines of your poem, which are powerful and meaningful, so start there.