Sculpture

[Philatone]

V. 2 changes (much thanks to Todd for bringing the polish)

S.1 removed
new S.1- "tools" to "chisels"
- moved "We are not God" to the 1st stanza
S. 2 "cloak" to "shroud"
S. 4 removed the first repetition of "It is not easy"; removed "and" before "be finished"
S5. created by moving "It is not. It is not" to its own line

Sculpture
hammers and chisels
cannot separate
spirit from stone
man from earth
life from rib.
We are not God

enough to lift the dead; just enough
to bury them in the darkness
of a shroud, a windowless room,

return them
to the grains of dust,
hide the evidence
of a fallow field.

It is not always easy
to lay the file down,
place the chisel by the sink,
wipe the powder to the floor;
to finish
be finished.
It is not always easy
to abandon a face
you almost recognize.

It is not. It is not.




--------------------------
Original


Sculpture
staring into petrified eyes
as chisels burrow into marrow,

hammers and tools
cannot separate
spirit from stone
man from earth
life from rib.

We are not God
enough to lift the dead; just enough
to bury them in the darkness
of a cloak, a windowless room,

return them
to the grains of dust,
hide the evidence
of a fallow field.

It is not always easy
to lay the file down,
place the chisel by the sink,
wipe the powder to the floor;
It is not always easy
to finish
and be finished.
It is not always easy
to abandon a face
you almost recognize.
It is not. It is not.

[Todd]

Hi Philatone,

It's been awhile since I've had a chance to read and comment on your work. Hopefully, this feedback will be helpful to you.

I have a feeling that most of my comments (almost all) will fall under the category of style choices. It is very possible that I'm just being a slave to my preferences. I read this through a few times and didn't find any glaring issues so please weigh these comments appropriately.

staring into petrified eyes
as chisels burrow into marrow,

I'm not convinced that these opening lines do much for you. I like the idea of staring into petrified eyes both for how petrified conveys stone and fear. The rhythm you establish in the hammers line though feels like a more true opening. These lines feel like they got you to the action and I think I'd prefer simply starting there (again might simply be a style preference)

hammers and tools--If you do make a change above then you may want to consider changing tools to chisels. Tools just seems a bit too vague. I certainly don't want you to use chisels three times in the poem so possibly only if you make an earlier adjustment
cannot separate
spirit from stone
man from earth
life from rib.--These four lines have a nice cadence to them. I love the thoughts. My one suggestion would be to pull up We are not God to the end of this strophe. I think it would benefit from a longer break and I think the longer lines might stand alone better without it in the same strophe (again a format style thing to consider). I really do love this entire train of thought. I think your build up to the rib (Eden allusion) fits so nicely into the next line.

We are not God
enough to lift the dead; just enough--nice line break
to bury them in the darkness
of a cloak, a windowless room,--why a cloak? I tried reversing the phrasing but "cloak of darkness" is too cliche and melodramatic for me. I kept wanting something like shroud to replace cloak, but I might be missing the intent. It's also quite possible that the image of the windowless room could stand alone

return them
to the grains of dust,--sort of a play on the ashes to ashes, dust to dust thing
hide the evidence
of a fallow field.--I found these two lines most interesting. I like the comparison of this barren type of life to a fallow field. You would expect harvest from a field but none is coming. It also made me think of the cursed fig tree in the gospel accounts.

It is not always easy
to lay the file down,
place the chisel by the sink,
wipe the powder to the floor;--To me this build up is the meat of the poem. The angst of the creator and the need to keep chipping away at it all
It is not always easy--I wasn't fond of this repetition here.
to finish
and be finished.--alternately you could mirror the previous line with "to be finished" losing the and
It is not always easy
to abandon a face
you almost recognize.--loved this line. Maybe consider inserting a strophe break at this point to set off the final line.
It is not. It is not.--This has a hollow despairing sense to it. I thought the ending had a good pay off.

I enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[Philatone]

todd

you raise the same points of contentions I had. I thought about removing the first stanza after finishing, but wanted to see other thoughts. glad to have confirmation on it.
also agreed on "tools" being too vague as I was writing; with the deletion of the first stanza, it certainly becomes much more possible to use "chisel", and more appropriate I feel. finally, agree on a number of your word and line shifts. thanks for helping to solidify this for me.

[Erthona]

Oh yes, I think this reads much better. It is much more clear, and that clarity makes it more powerful. And whereas "It is not. It is not." just seemed repetitive before, it now conveys the emphatic tone it should. When I read it, I can hear it being said, "It is not! (By God) it is not!" Yes, you capture that sense of having to stop before you want to very well. The painfulness of having to pull back before you are done.

Dale

[grannyjill]

I've come late to this verse and this puts me at a disadvantage. I think it is easier to find an occasional blip in rhythm or a slightly jarring word with a raw poem - but this has been 'chiselled' free of imperfections.

I like the sound of the opening lines, they echo the rhythmic strikes of a hammer on chisel, which reinforces the words.

I would prefer the God line to be back where it was in the first instance because the pause created was too much and it broke the link to the following lines which puzzled me until I checked back to see how they were originally.

The most intriquing bit of this was the dust and fallow field....I wanted 'fallow' to be 'fertile'...returning as dust to the earth, but that would infer that originally there was life (something fertile, not fallow)....so, I must confess I haven't worked that bit of the poem out.

I like the way you have described the sculptur's inability to say 'This is finished' , and to be satisfied. He must always suffer that gnawing feeling that there might be so much more if only he had more time and freedom to follow his own desires. (a bit like me really )

[Philatone]

Erthona- I'm happy this result fared much better with you than the last. I'm glad my emotions could be conveyed in the way I wanted

granny-similarly, thanks for your input, it is much appreciated. I do try to use punctuation as guide in reading, but I may need to rely on more. I admit, I like the revised placement more than the former, but I will have another look. really appreciated your raising of those concerns

[Wildcard]

I am a fan! I missed the first version(sorry guys I am trying to get my head back in the game) and now it seems that the ship is safely in the harbor. So, I'll just tell you that I really like the way the revision stands out from the original. The last line with it's repetition made me start all over. Maybe I was day-dreaming the first time through, but then when I re-read the poem with the last line in mind, I could see so much more.

Thanks for sharing.

P.S. You and others here give me feedback that helps so much. Maybe I could just send you money through PayPal because I can't seem to find enough to say about your work. Its hard for me to critique those who I think are way better than me(like everybody I know :p)