loneliness

[grannyjill]

loneliness

against the window-pane
cold cheek pressed to cold glass
reflecting
a mask of misery
miming – pity me

her tears match smears
of old rain stains
as she stares
at a naked oak
silhouetted against the moon

eons pass

she becomes aware
of shifting shadows
and play of hand-like
fronds conveying a blessing
seemingly
caressing her
through the glass

she is grateful
that time has passed (this line is to be deleted

[billy]

it feels snow whitish or some other princess type of waiting poem.
i like the enjambment, and reflecting on it's own line.
the sonics are very good and it's easy to read. i'm not sure as i have any constructive feedback to give.
if novice poets could put together a poem like this i don't think i'd call them novice.

i'm not sure the last two lines add anything to the poem. for me they temper the sadness too much.

good write granny. jmo

[grannyjill]

Billy - you are GOOD. Last lines were in, then out, then in, then changed, then out, then changed, then out and finally they were in....but with great doubt. I did almost post with 'She is grateful' as the last line.

The second line - I think the word 'that' was the decider - because either 'that' or 'time' can be the emphasised word in the line so changing the meaning. But, I'm sure you are right. I would prefer to do away with the last line.


I'm hiding in novice because I'm not a confident poet, and I can easily fall from my perch like a Monty Python parrot if too harsh a criticism comes my way (hm perhaps my analogy is faulty - aren't his feet nailed onto the perch?)

[billy]

just stay where you feel safe if that's what you want
it can be a bit hairy at times in serious crit hehe.

i never saw the 'she is grateful' as the last line, but yeah.
it does work well and still leaves the poem with that coldness we feel when sadness is about.

[Philatone]

ey granny!

really liked the intro, from the title to the first line. said together, it is wonderful. the use of reflecting as the middle line stanza one is great, moving from the window pane to the mask.

not a refreshing image, the tears in the second stanza do work. I like the staring at a "naked oak", really draws a parallel again between her and the tree, and even the moon. with the next line, everything just gets washed with a sense of age.

I think the last lines can be played with and salvaged; ultimately, your choice of course. I was thinking something along the lines:

Grateful/ time has gone.

I think "gone" would keep that sense of sadness. a pleasant read, granny

[grannyjill]

Thanks mate - this was a kind of experiment by me, in answer to a challenge....I was trying to be 'emo' which isn't naturally me. I agree the last line does need work. I will come back to it at some time.

[popeye]

Loved the poem granny, including the last lines, but i aint no poet, just a bit emo at times, have a good Christmas, cheers

[Erthona]

GrannyJIll,

I like this poem, it has some nice evocative images, but I think you could work on the cadence, and bring it emotionally closer to the reader by making it more personal. The following isn't a suggestion, just an example of what I mean.

Her cheek is pressed against the cold window-pane
condensing into a mask of misery – "pity me".

The image would not be a reflection if her face is pressed against the glass. Window pane is glass. I think it is implied that her cheek would be cold if it is pressed up against a cold glass. Maybe you did mean to focus on the reflection, but you need a transition statement to show she has moved her face away from the glass. However, I think it will be very difficult working with a duel image of what has condensed on the glass, along with a reflected image. I only make a point of this because I use to do this sort of thing all the time and it caused me no end of trouble. I've worked long enough at this sort of thing that I can handle it grammatically, but unless I have a very compelling reason I generally stay away from it. It places too much of a demand on the reader and generally tends to be disruptive to the poem. As someone said this is not really a novice poem, and I don't know how to write a novice critique that is also helpful at the same time, which is my intent.

Dale