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Trapped
I’m an extra
rhubarbing my way
through a scene from a Noel Coward play
this is my life
no-one knows
I’d win a Buddha look-alike game
my brain doesn’t wave
it shakes its fist
my face shows no trace
it remains still
Does no punctuation detract or add anything? Does my rhyming - ditto?
Are there too many I's and my's? All suggestions gratefully received
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i only just got round to this one granny;
i'm not sure the wave play works that well. as it stands out more than if it had a rhyme scheme.
love the first two lines. i can imagine coward saying the 2nd.
the zero punctuation seems okay to me. it doesn't lose anything. that i didn't notice it is a plus i think.
if i had a comment outside the questions it would be the title. the last 2 lines shows us trapped. maybe use the title to add something more to the piece.
thanks for the read.
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ey there granny.
I thought your I's and my's were ok, didn't detract anything for me--same for the punctuation
"rhubarbing" is fun in this piece.
I guess I feel something is missing here. I question the focus; how much of this information is necessary for the piece? It seems to have a stronger idea in the last 4 lines. however, the poem could also benefit from the age-old "more show, less tell" (for instance, I think "my face shows no trace" would lend itself easily to some figurative language).
just some things to think about
Written only for you to consider.
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(11-29-2011, 05:55 PM)grannyjill Wrote: Trapped
I’m an extra
rhubarbing my way I'm not sure I like the use of slang here. I think such language works better when being comic, presenting a character or writing intimately about oneself. Could just be a personal thing.
through a scene from a Noel Coward play Very good line. Insightful and witty.
this is my life
no-one knows
I’d win a Buddha look-alike game Why would no-one know this?
my brain doesn’t wave
it shakes its fist
my face shows no trace
it remains still I really like these last four lines. They convey a sentiment as old as the hills in a flowing and original way. The brain shaking its fist behind a still face is a powerful image.
Does no punctuation detract or add anything? Does my rhyming - ditto?
Are there too many I's and my's? All suggestions gratefully received
As this is a free verse poem with short lines I think it would work best without punctuation. All my feedback is JMHO, of course. Thanks for the read, grannyjill.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Hi Granny,
I like your poem - it's punchy. It has spunk.
When I read this, I thought about leaving it at "My face shows no trace."
The next line "it remains still" seems to almost take the air of mystery out of it for me. I like leaving it at my "face shows not trace" because a still face is already implied, and it has more of an impact for me.
But that's just me! i enjoyed reading your poem. 
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Hi Jill,
I have been lax in my crit duties lately. Please forgive me. I was a little out of the loop on this one because I have never heard of Noel Coward before I read this. After Googling his name and rhubarbing, I feel that I can possible contribute some useful feedback.
(11-29-2011, 05:55 PM)grannyjill Wrote: I’m an extra
rhubarbing my way
through a scene from a Noel Coward play
this is my life
no-one knows
I’d win a Buddha look-alike game --'game' is a little odd to me, but this might be a localized misunderstanding. 'contest' is what I immediately felt was the better word, but again, it might be a AmE/BrE thing.
my brain doesn’t wave
it shakes its fist
my face shows no trace
it remains still --Is this line needed? I read it without the last line and felt it was just as effective if not more.
Sorry I didn't have a lot to say, but I think that it's a fine poem as-is. Thanks for sharing.
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Hi, Mark - thank you for your contribution. If I am remiss and don't get to others it's because I am in the middle of flu. I'm not a doctor person...so, I've assumed it will get better eventually...but, to-day after a week of trying to cough my lungs up through my mouth (nice!) I'm finally going to see if I can get a doctor's appointment.
I remember when I got to the word 'game' it was 'contest' originally but I didn't want two syllables and also 'game' found an echoing sound with 'brain' and I was hooked.
I agree on jettisoning the final line...I often have difficulty in knowing how to end stuff!
'Rhubarb' refers to the word extras are supposed to repeat to look as if they are actually talking...but it is meaningless chatter. And Noel Coward plays were full of stiff-upper lip people never saying what they really want to say.
But, to strictly truthful this was a very spontaneous - straight from the brain to the page thing - so it doesn't deserve much attention!
looking at it now, I can see that I am mucking about (as we say here in the UK)
....my brain doesn't wave/it shakes its fist - being an example of my silliness
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(12-19-2011, 05:05 PM)grannyjill Wrote: ....my brain doesn't wave/it shakes its fist - being an example of my silliness
Actually I thought that was the strongest, most imaginative line. Sometimes I do better off the cuff than when I over analyze.
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Your line breaks act as punctuation, still I see no reason to leave it out as it makes the reading easier, and there is no reason to leave it out. While not earth shaking, it is a nice snippet of insight into life as it goes along... even if it does date you a bit. Still, I think it is the bees knees and rather peachy keen!
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Stop mocking me! I can't help being ancient. I have never ever said 'peachy keen' in my life (altho' perhaps the odd 'bee's knees might have made it through)
.........which playwright's play are you appearing in?
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You already know the answer to that one. Shakespeare's! Although I generally appear as Puck in MSND, I've also been a Dick in Much Ado, and of course Lear. On my bad days I am often Sweeny Todd, or Richard III, depending if I am homicidal or just nutters! My days seem to vacillate between either taking or giving a pound of flesh. Of course as much as I have it is little noticed
Regardless, I'm sure that you are the cat's meow! Or Mao, if it is a communist cat!
I guess it's out with the "il" and in with the "un" in North Correa - Ageless and evergreen! (God I hate Barbara Strident!)
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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I love you! There, I've said it and I don't care who knows it.....('course, you are only one of many!)
I see you more as Falstaff or Malvolio on a bad day....no, that doesn't read right. Or on a bad day, Malvolio.
Was she North Korean, I didn't know that?
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Kim Jong Il was the leader (read dictator) of North Korea. Which reminds me
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator!
Falstaff, is a total reprobate, so that fits. However, Malvolio, I think not! I never wear my garters crossed, but what you will. Like Shylock he can be viewed sympathetically, myself, never. You only love me because you don't know me, but I appreciate the sediment as I can always use a little ballast! However, I will take either over Hamlet -
T.B.
or not T.B.
That is congestion!
Can anything be done about it?
Of corpse, of corpse,
but it will take a lung, lung time!
(It is from borrowing a lent air bee)
A dew, a dew, there's water on me, it's dew!
Now harks the mobile crack,
good'n tight meat prince,
and tights with bangels
ring out you're a pest!
Thus doth this insect go to his rest!
I do love me some Helena Bonham Carter in the 96 version of 12th Night, with Ben Kingsly. I'm going to have to buy me a copy one day.
But if any this has offended,
lean o'er the chair and we will mend it!
But in waking do not forsake,
for, not e'en the crack of dawn is safe!
(or so it's said of fairy's and bikers
it's what you'd expect from bloody blighters!)
Disappears through trap door!
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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You know something? On second thoughts, I don't think you are anything like Malvolio (I was mistooken) I reckon you are more of a Sir Toby Belch (though it is a long time since I read Twelth Night at school)
I know about Kim Jong-il and Kim Jong-un being Korean, I'm not stupid - I was taking about Barbra Streisand.
Of course, I don't know you, have you never heard of virtual love? It's much better than the real thing since you then don't have to put up with the object of your love being an irritating human being, and then having to reject them , and then they become a stalker, and then they break into your house and then they stab you to death (I know about these things, I watch tv, you know).
You certainly know your Shakespeare, don't you?
I only know -
Is this Mick Jagger I see before me
His handle toward my hand?
Come (no I resisted the urge) . Lets go dutch, see!
and
Once more down to the beach, dear friends
once more
or risk a wallop from your dear old Dad
or Too hoarse, too hoarse, my throat's raw, of course.
....disappears exeunt stage left pursued by a bear.
(What has this to do with my verse 'Trapped', pray?)
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(What has this to do with my verse 'Trapped', pray?)
Haven't the foggiest.
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"I know about Kim Jong-il and Kim Jong-un being Korean, I'm not stupid"
Well, one never knows, and asking if BS is Korean is rather oblique.
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"I reckon you are more of a Sir Toby Belch"
Sorry, but no. I only drink Scotch, and as I can no longer afford that, I don't drink at all (thus, if I am broke, I'm not drunk, and if drunk, I am not broke), besides I never marry for money, only stupidity (my own... of course the opposite end could also be successfully argued).
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"You certainly know your Shakespeare, don't you?"
Well you know, if one is of sufficient age, one generally has picked up the odd bardonianism here and there (as I see you have), it is something akin to cheese and mold (at least the smell is similar!). You seem to have a fondness for Henry, et al, I prefer the comedies myself, life is already tragic enough! Henry is OK in his yute, but then he becomes so mean and cold, and treats poor Falstaff so rudely!
Speaking of the unsuccessful footballer, do you know what Mick said when he saw Hugh Hefner sodomizing Dennis Weaver? "Hey, Hugh, get off of McCloud!"
Clod-dumbo, Clod-dumbo, wherefore art thou Clod-dumbo?
Oh falk it, Peter's dead!
Oh, happy Jagger (thus we come full circle) here is thy Heath!
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"It's much better than the real thing since you then don't have to put up with the object of your love being an irritating human being,"
No one has ever accused me of being human, so you're safe there.
"and then having to reject them , and then they become a stalker, and then they break into your house and then they stab you to death (I know about these things, I watch tv, you know)."
Well love is a many splintered thing.
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"....disappears exeunt stage left pursued by a bear."
A just reward for baring it (no doubt a hairy situation)!
...exeunt stage right being pursued by mod-squad for non sequitorial verbosity!
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Thank you for your very detailed response. My example of sequential non-verbosity
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Yes! (mine)
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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